1. Haha! You're joking, though, right?
If my daughter proves she can take care of the Fire Ants I got her, we’ll get her the damn kitten.
2. Dude, you can't...write that!
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
3. Wow. Funny! But wow.
The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.
4. You know your kids will be able to read these one day, right?
Nothing better than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.
5. And that your wife can see these too?
Being a Dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.
6. Ryan!
My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.
7. There's a lot to unpack here.
Can’t decide between a midnight blue minivan with all wheel drive and foldable rear seats or a coffin.
8. 😳
My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.
9. Some thoughts you can keep to yourself, Ryan.
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes, whispering, "I can't do this".
10. Me: Snickering then saying, "No, dude."
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
11. Gasp!
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
12. Way harsh, Tai.
My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.
13. About that book, Ryan...
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
14. Yikes!
LOVE dressing my daughter in baby clothes. The itsy-bitsy pink pajamas. The tiny white socks. The black leather mask. Cuteness overload!
15. You probably shouldn't imply your kid is a vampire.
Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.
16. Or come right out and call her an asshole.
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
17. This one might've been good to DM a dad friend:
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
18. Man, that's dark.
Love writing nursery rhymes for my daughter. Her favorites are, "Sunshine-Cuddle-Time!" and "Everyone You Know Will Eventually Die."
19. Delete this, Ryan.
Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.
20. Aw, this one is actually sweet! Wait, scratch that. I hadn't got to the second sentence yet.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Alright, Ryan. These ARE pretty damn funny, and by all accounts you're a grade-A dad (who just happens to have a twisted sense of humor). But be warned — we're watching you!
