1. On drunk rides home:
When yer absolute mwi tryin tae tell the taxi driver where ye live
2. On fashion:
Lassies dressed heed tae toe in Topshop gear givin it "Hate when other girls copy my style" aye awrite Kate Moss
3. On booty calls:
Saying 'wuu2' at fucking 00:45?? yeah I'm fucking swimming init
4. On the elderly:
pensioners love gawn on buses when its roastin n shuttin the windaes, aww yes boil me alive Agnes beat me wae a ladle n call me lentil soup
5. On lost packages:
Fuck yodel man
6. On politeness:
When you're using the face swap filter on snapchat with some and they say 'I look so ugly'. Arite den pal, thats my face you got on there
7. On quick trips:
said tae ma maw a wis away oot n she turned round n went 'awrite see ye Sunday', am just away tae the shop Susan fs
8. On who to trust:
if the discovery channel ever taught me anyhin its that all snakes shed their skin and so a never trust anyone wae eczema
9. On mothers:
Mams at it again proper not got the time
10. On romance:
"Mum how'd ye meet dad?" "Well when i was 16 n he was 22 i put up a snapchat sayin 'lifts? X', n next thing he was at my door in his Corsa"
11. On young love:
Wee sister went to the irn bru carnival last night with her bf and then her bf said to ma da that ma sister was the best ride there hahaha
12. On saving time:
poor cunts sat n typed aw that oot when he could have just wrote "virgin"
13. On house parties:
16 y/o's going up town instead of house parties is so stupid!! Get yersell fingered in a vacant mum and dads room fae Gareth who has fags
14. On dolling up:
Fuck makin maximum effort wi ur appearance 24/7 btw bein an ogre durin the week makes u look better at weekends its aw about logical thinkin
15. And on looking your finest:
Shavin yo π± for tha weekend purely cos u know ur gny havety pee infront a at least 5 a ur pals
16. On nights out:
When u actual love the sesh
17. On psychic feelings:
I get sooo annoyed seeing "psycho" spelt as "physco" π clearly girls don't "find out everything" if ye canny find yersel a dictionary
18. On text-backs:
Double text? Triple text? Who gives a fuck, al text u until you reply ya cunt
19. On showing interest:
can tell a boy a is trying to graft a girl when he favs tweets like "love tan Thursdays" all he's wantin is to tan his balls across ur face
20. On news travelling fast:
aye that's sound dad is there anyone else ye wanty share the bad news with x
21. On little white lies:
if the queen asked me tae DJ her party ad dae it n when she requested some dusty caveman banger ad say 'aye it's on next' n never play it
22. And on hard truths:
Yerv goat dyslexia init
23. On hunger:
Am I a prostitute if I suck someone off for bringing me a nandos?
24. Of the food and people kind:
Scotland wid deep fry anything if it tasted gid, deep fried mars bar, deep fried swedger, deep fried wee sister, you name it we'll gub it
25. On all kinds of pie:
I really hope she meant mince
26. On helping out a friend:
When your pals running late for the bus
27. On chores:
How shites the patter you get off neighbours when your cuttin the grass 'you gonnae cut mine as well son haha' naw Linda am no, fuck off
28. On celebrities:
Taylor Swift seems like the kinda weirdo ye had in yer primary class that barked when ye spoke to them
29. On celebrity-inspired cuts:
Short back and deed in a car crash
30. And on science:
Mental that ice cube's 46 years old n he's still no melted
31. On college life:
Maws just put 2 quid under ma wee brers pillow cause his tooth fell out and av stole it cause av nae money to get to college the morra
32. On following rules:
MATE YER GONNY GET US CHUCKED OOT
33. On laziness:
Emdy else put the first digit wrong oan a phone passcode n just fire in 3 random wans tae clear it instead of movin yer thumb tae delete it?
34. On typos:
So annoying when you type "hiya" and it changes to "Hoya" like naw am no a fucking karate instructor or suhin
35. On persuasion:
Trying tae persuade mcnot tae come oot for nye n this is wit a get hit wae Hahahah am in tears
36. On living at home:
Cunts wae shite lit "Wonderland" as their bio locations... Is that right aye? an which part ae yer maws hoose is that in ya fuckin ride
37. And on goodbyes:
Byeeeeee driver ππππππππππππππ