1. The exterminator:
She took my kindergarten photo and said, "This is what I use to chase the rats away with."
2. The newest great-grandma:
When my older sister told my family she was pregnant out of wedlock and not in a relationship, my grandma sighed, looked at me and said, "We always thought it would be you."
—Savannah McKinney, Facebook
3. The swallower:
Last Thanksgiving my grandmother told me that if my father was her first born child, she would have "just started swallowing from that point forward."
4. The psychic:
My brother came out as gay to my grandma and she said, "I knew girls weren't going to like you from the beginning."
5. The color critic:
I was painting my nails one time, and my grandma leaned over and said, "That's a nice shade of whore red." Then walked away.
6. The honest Abe:
I had just met my boyfriend's family for the first time. As I was leaving, his grandma gave me a hug and said it was wonderful to meet me. I said, "Thank you! It's nice to know I have approval." To which she replied, "Oh, now dear, just because we like you doesn't mean we approve."
7. The judge:
I was playing piano for my family when I was around five years old. When I finished, I noticed that everyone was clapping except her. When I asked her why, she said, "I only clap if it's good."
—Stephanie Gensburg, Facebook
8. The grinch:
I once got a Christmas card from her, signed, "Maybe next year you'll make us proud."
9. The pun-maker:
I was telling my grandma about how my cat likes to sleep between my knees, and she said, "Well, that's as close to a pussy as you're ever going to get!"
—Morgan Strom, Facebook
10. The art critic:
When I was seven I wanted to be an astronaut, so I drew a picture of one walking on the moon. "It's an astronaut, Grandma," I said with enthusiasm. "An astronaut?" she said while taking a drag of her cigarette, "Well that's pretty fucking stupid."
11. The garbage disposal:
My great grandma said to my face, "I always thought Natalie was a white trash name." My name is Natalie....
—Nat Wiest, Facebook
12. The preacher:
Me: "It's hot in here."
Grandma: "You better start going to church because it's a lot hotter in hell."
13. The conversation starter:
When I was 19 I brought my boyfriend over to my grandma's for her to meet him. The first thing she said to him was, "So Ben, I see you like fat chicks."
—Miriam Hoepfner, Facebook
14. The sensitive smeller:
My grandma told me I smelled like shit one Christmas Eve after I had just put perfume on.
15. The discriminator:
After I got my nose pierced, my grandma looked me up and down and said, "Well you used to be my favorite granddaughter."
16. The uninvited:
My (very Catholic) grandma told me she hopes she dies before I get married so that she doesn't have to attend my secular wedding.
17. The Debbie Downer:
Me (annoyed): "All my friends are getting married."
Grandma: "Yeah? All my friends are dying."
—Gwen Miller, Facebook
18. The knitter:
In college I asked my grandma to teach me how to knit. She agreed, saying "I think this will be good for you. It'll keep your hands busy so you won't eat so much."
19. The baker:
My freshman year of college my grandma sent me sugar cookies for my birthday in the mail but then wrote in the card that she put jalapeños in them so that "I would know she was thinking of me, but wouldn't gain the weight."
20. The bag lady:
My nan once offered a paper bag to my brother to put over his girlfriend's face.
21. The mixer-upper:
Grandma: "Oh wow! Have you lost weight?"
Me: "No, I don't think so, but thanks!"
Grandma: "Oh sorry sweetie, I thought you were your sister."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.