1. This description of a perfect friend:
Just once I'd like to hear "Aziz, looks like you gained a few pounds! You must be eating a lot of delicious food. Good for you."
2. This ode to squash:
Thank you, butternut squash, for being an appetizing food despite having the words butt, nut, and squash in your name. #thankyounotefriday
3. This practical use of food:
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
4. This commitment to chicken:
answering the phone eating chicken
5. This dazed feel:
Hi. Let's nap @carlyaquilino
6. This call for regular-size Halloween candy:
Halloween candy should not be called "fun size" because it is not fun unwrapping 150 mini snickers in one sitting
7. This election we'd rather participate in:
A lot of great candidates, and I just can’t make up my mind. Ok, fine. In-N-Out Burger. #dinner
8. This ideal 4/20 meal:
#Happy420! I hope you celebrate with a cake. And some Pringles. And a pizza. And a cupcake. And Oreos. And another cake.
9. This confused feeling we can all relate to:
I'm wandering around Whole Foods like tom hanks in The Terminal
10. This truly insulting serving size:
Look at the size of the slice of pie my son gave me a few minutes ago before I grounded him for 2 years.
11. This cleaning solution:
My kid found a jar of chocolate covered almonds & scattered them across the floor. I did the only logical thing & cleaned* them up. *ate.
12. This pizza obsession:
You are what you eat.
13. This actually good point:
Why are we excited about Oreo Thins? I'm still waiting on triple-stuffed. So.
14. This truism:
there's no "we" in Pizza 🍕❤️
15. This perfectly acceptable way to eat wedding cake:
Serious question: how much are wedding cakes? And how weird would it be if I wanted to buy one just to eat? By myself?
16. This dedication to the best meal of the day:
I ate cereal for dinner last night because I am a grown ass woman and I CAN.
17. This correct use of candy corn:
The day after Halloween I'm going to dress up as a sexy pile of vomit with some candy corn in it.
18. This bland excuse of a snack:
A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
19. This explanation for a chocolate addiction:
My personal recipe for happiness is very similar to the recipe for chocolate chip cookies
20. This place we've all been in:
Got recognized by my food delivery man. Woulda been dope had I not been ordering food at 3pm on a Tuesday wearing a cat shirt and weeping
21. This need for different beauty standards:
I wish we could all agree to adjust our cultural perspective on beauty so that I could eat more.
22. This wishful thinking:
You know when you wake up and you're like, "I'm gonna be super healthy today" and then you eat a whole chocolate egg and a 40
23. This perfect sentence:
"Hey I know you didn't mention being hungry, but here's a tasty snack if you want it." - Greatest Thing Ever Said to Me
24. This astute observation:
Garfield's favorite food is THE most labor intensive dish you could ask someone to make for you and he eats it in one bite like an asshole