10 Things I Learned Becoming A Mother To Double Rainbows
Having children after the loss of a baby is full of good days and bad days, here are ten things I have learned from becoming a mother to Rainbow twins!
When our first and only child, Chance, passed away from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) we were thrust head first into the child-loss community. Words like "Angelversary", "rainbow baby", and "PTSD" became part of our everyday vocabulary. A "Rainbow Baby" is a baby born after the loss of a child, meant to bring hope after a storm. After two years of trying, we discovered we were going to become parents to a "Double Rainbow." The twins (both boys) are currently a month and a half old now, so I'm sure this list will grow as they age, but here are ten things that I have learned as a mother to a "Double Rainbow":
1.They will inevitably look like their "Angel" sibling.
Our twins are not identical (two different embryos) but they both bare a striking resemblance to their big brother. It was first noticeable during our 3-D ultrasound at 26 weeks, but it wasn't until their birth that we were smacked in the face with how much of our Angel was in our Rainbows.
Their likeness to our Angel can be really heartwarming. As the twins continue to grow, I will get to finally experience how Chance's features may have changed one way or another. It can be really rough too. Especially in the middle of the night, when you are ridiculously sleep deprived, and reach down to pick up a crying baby and in your delirious state, you see the baby that passed away. Now imagine the same thing happening roughly twenty minutes later, five or six times a night. Our Angel passed at two months and twenty-six days, so he never had the opportunity to grow out of the "baby stage" so until the twins do, this is bound to happen a lot. There have been many tears shed as I watch them sleep, thinking about Chance and how I didn't fully appreciate these little moments with him.
I think this can be therapeutic for parents of Rainbow babies and possibly even more so for those blessed with a Double Rainbow. Our babies don't look identical to their sibling, but close enough that we can grow.
2. I can not keep my eyes on both of them, 100% of the time.
As a loss parent, I have this extreme need to watch my children, like a hawk, all of the time. I want to watch their chest moving as they breathe, their skin color remaining a healthy pink, and their little movements, 100% of the time. Its a form of Post Traumatic Stress. My Angel died in his sleep, while my husband and I were sleeping, so now, my head correlates me not looking at them, with death. So, to make watching them easier, everything we have for them is placed side-by-side. Their swings are right next to each other. They sleep (for now) in the same crib. I "tandem nurse" them. During the first few days, when they slept a lot, it was easier to keep my eyes on them, but now they are awake more, they cry at different times, and one will want picked up while the other doesn't.
It took me almost a month to realize that I can not keep my eyes on both of them. It is physically impossible. I had to wrap my head around that and find a way to be okay with it. For the record, I'm still not okay with it, but I am getting better. I can now proudly say that I can move one to the changing table (currently a pack-and-play with a double bassinet) without waking the other to move them too. I can also baby-wear one to the kitchen while I let the other sleep when tough times call for desperate measures.
As they learn to crawl, walk, and run, I can only imagine that this will still be a problem for me because as I've heard from other twin moms "one twins favorite direction is whatever is opposite from the other twin." I'm sure by that time I will be finding all sorts of places to stick a baby-gate or invest in some kid-leashes. This realization also connects with the next thing I have learned:
3. No matter how hard I try to stay awake, I will eventually fall asleep.
The first week is a blur to me now. The elation and bliss of having two babies and the mixture of pure adrenaline pumping its way through my veins helped me stay awake. As I said above, my son dying while I slept still wreaks havoc on my mind and soul. I believed that as long as I stayed awake, my two Rainbows couldn't die. Which worked well for me, until it didn't. The human body can not stay awake forever and when I did eventually pass out, it was coma-like. Luckily my husband was still on paternity leave and was able to wake me up when the boys needed to eat. That's when we started sleeping in shifts, so someone would always be awake with them. Again, another good plan, until it didn't work. He had to go back to work, which meant I was at home with our Rainbows while he was at work during the day, and trying to stay up with them at night while he slept.
Everyone and their mother kept saying, "sleep when they sleep." Which is good in theory, but not a stable plan for my PTSD. I tried, but then I would wake up in terror thinking one of my babies had died- even when both of them crying would wake me up. It still happens, every single time I fall asleep, but I have pushed myself t the point where I MAKE myself sleep, at least two to three hours a night. Other then that, I spend my nights feeding babies and binge watching Netflix. I haven't found a plan to alleviate the stress from this yet, so if anyone out there has, please let me know.
4. With two babies, comes double the nightmares.
As I said, I have to sleep. When I do, there is usually some form of nightmare occurring. They used to be about finding my Angel the night he passed away, now, if not him, it is finding one or both of my Rainbows dead. As a "new" parent, these types of dreams are especially scary, but for a mother who has had these nightmares turn into reality, it down right horrifying. If not being able to watch them made me not want to sleep, it is nothing compared to knowing what types of dreams await me.
The one I had a couple times last night, went something like this: I would wake up in the dream and walk over to where my twins were sleeping in their swings. Both mottled in color, with blue lips. Their bodies were cold to the touch and I had to give them CPR- like I did with their brother. As long as I gave one CPR, that twin would stay alive, but when I went to give the other CPR- the one I had just brought back to life would start dying again. back and forth this dream went, until the boys woke me up again to eat. Music to my ears.
Many loss parents have these types of nightmares constantly. They'll come and go, but when a life changing event such as having another child come along, they tend to stick around a bit. I find it gets worse as they approach the age and date when their brother passed, but I have also heard it gets better as they age. Others tell me the dreams come less and less, but will occasionally strike when you least suspect them to.
5. All the safest products are so expensive, and we have to double up.
When you have a child die, even from SIDS (experts still say that when a SIDS baby dies, nothing will help and nothing will be able to bring them back), when you are expecting another child you want ALL the safety products. Heart-rate and breathing monitors, breathable crib mattresses, the safest car seats, etc. The thing is, all of these "top of the line" products come with a hefty price tag. You'll hear all the sanctimommies say "If your child's life is worth the best, you will find a way to buy it!" Again, good theory, and saving a little bit from each paycheck throughout the pregnancy can help, but when you are having a Double Rainbow, those prices double. FAST.
We knew that we would want the boys constantly monitored. Heart rates and breathing monitors like the Owlet were at the top of our list, there are alternative products like the AngelCare movement systems that have a mat that goes under the crib mattress, but it doesn't pick up the movement of each baby, so that was out as we decided to keep them in the same crib for awhile. BUT- each Owlet costs roughly $250. Parents of twins aren't always rich and because we had to take out a loan for our IVF to even be able to have a Rainbow Baby, our funds were pretty strapped. Luckily, we were chosen by a non-profit to be gifted two Owlet systems and are so grateful for the opportunity to have them. They honestly keep me from waking up my babies every time they fall asleep. (I still do occasionally, even when the monitor shows they are fine, but that relates back to the PTSD.)
But there are A TON of products out there that claim they are the safest for babies. These products are featured in a ton of magazines, recommended by all the baby pages, it goes on and on... but at some point, you have to say to yourself "we can not go into debt, just to keep buying baby products." Personally, I really wanted a HALO Bassinet, well, I wanted two of them, but at $200 a piece, they were just out of our price range once all of our other baby items were bought. I had to learn that it is "okay" not to be able to buy what critics claim to be "the safest."
6. I will question every single thing I do... or don't do. Twice.
After a child dies, you question every single thing you ever did (or didn't do) while they were alive. Especially with SIDS, because they still don't know what causes it. Now, there are so many ways to raise your children, and every single one of them have an advocacy group to tell you if you don't do it their way, you're wrong. Breast or Bottle feed? Cloth or Disposable diapers? Cry-it-out or pick up?
Personally, I have changed almost every single thing I did. I didn't breastfeed my Angel, now I nurse the twins. My Double Rainbows are in cloth diapers, are baby-worn, and I pick them up with every squeak they make. None of my decisions are in anyway going to save them from SIDS, but its just one of those things.
Even though I changed the way I parent, I still question every single thing. Should I let them sleep that extra half hour? Do I need to go running to them if the video monitor shows them waking up? Should I have let the doctors do a C-Section? (That one is obvious to me as it was an emergency to get "Baby B" out safely.) Everything else though? Always followed by me questioning myself. Its going to happen and I can't stop it.
7. Everyone has advice for you.
Just like when anyone announces they're pregnant, they get advice. Wanted or unwanted- its always there, from everyone. When you're a loss parent, expecting two rainbows, you get it from everyone too, and their moms, and cousins, and great-grand parents. We got advice from other loss parents and twin parents- the advice seemed to come from everywhere, all at once.
Again, this is where I had to make decisions, and then question my decisions, and then question them again, then change my mind, three or four more times. We were really lucky for some of the advice (like getting the monitors to help us sleep), but some was pretty useless- again, back to the "sleep when they do." Most people mean it sincerely, yet, some people will throw their advice at you and ram it so far down your throat, you could flush it down the toilet and FYI, that's what I did with a lot of it. All the safety things, car seat checks, ABC's of safe-sleeping, and help with nursing were always welcome. I like that stuff. If you ever come across me and have something about those topics, I am all ears.
I heard everything from vaccines to old wives tales. You have to learn to filter it. Take what you need and "flush" the rest.
8. People genuinely want to help.
I will, for the rest of my life, be grateful for everything that our friends, family, and strangers helped us with. We were showered with an outpouring of love and gifts for the twins, even from places we would have never expected. A friend set up a GoFundMe account to assist us with the costs of our needed IVF. There were strangers who heard our story who I will never be able to personally thank, who donated to us having these two babies. It seemed everyone wanted to help out. Gifts came in from family and friends from all over the country. Big ticket items on our registry were shipped to our home unknowingly and handmade gifts for the boys came daily.
The pregnancy was rough, but my job understood and did everything in their power to help us- even allowing me to remain on bedrest for most of the pregnancy.
Our doctors and the staff were wonderful. They understood my feelings after our losses and took every one of my concerns seriously and to heart. When we were still planning on a natural delivery, there was a local doula who offered her services free of charge.
Our Double Rainbows effect on people really restored faith in others. I can never say thank you enough or be more grateful for everything that everyone who had a hand in bringing them here and welcoming them with such love did.
9. You need more photo storage.
After our Angel passed it felt like we didn't take enough pictures. We didn't just lose a child, we lost the memories we would make throughout their life. All we had left were the memories and photos from the first two months and twenty six days of his life. We could have had a million photos and it wouldn't have been enough.
I have already had to purchase more storage for pictures on my phone- twice. We've printed off so many pictures and saved so many videos. Every new face they make or place we go is documented in photograph. Then saved to iCloud, then saved on a disc, then printed because "what if?"
10. Double Rainbows are the best.
Are twins hectic? Yes. Life with Double Rainbows is stressful, scary, and you will be sleep deprived, but being able to be their mother is better than anything I could have asked for. They gave me hope when I was hopeless.
We will never forget our Angel and our Rainbows will never replace him, but they have altered my view on life after our loss. Before them, I didn't believe that life was worth living without my child. I didn't care if I lived or died. These two though? They have shown me that there is opportunity for life after loss. They help heal wounds that I thought were too deep to fix.
When I see my Rainbows smile, I feel like there is hope after the storm of child loss.
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