I turned 25 in May and for the past fifteen years of my life I refused to let myself be distracted by boyfriends and relationships. I wanted to focus on what was more important to me at that time; getting good grades and doing well in school. It sounds so noble and such a responsible thing to do but under that facade, I was just afraid of being rejected.
As a child and even until I was a teenager, I was overweight and I never really felt I was pretty compared to my friends. I was not the prettiest or the smartest one around. I'm also a little weird. Naturally, I felt like an outsider.
At the same time, I watched my friends begin and end relationships. They were on their seventh boyfriend by the time they were fifteen! Their relationships were so fragile. I remember them being completely happy and in love one week and the next week, they broke up. And they broke up for the dumbest of reasons.
I thought my relationships would be just like that too. Or worse. So to save myself from heartache and rejection, I focused all my time and energy on other stuff.
Then I had a teacher who for some reason talked about her personal life to me one day. She said something that I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
"Don't find someone to complete you. You complete you. You're not a semi-circle but a full circle. Don't let yourself be at the mercy of someone else because people can be fickle. If you let someone else be the very thing that completes you when they leave, you'll be broken. Don't be like that."
So, I did as I was told. I took years and lots of tears, but I finally did it.
At first I thought being complete means to be perfect.
Oh, I was so wrong.
No one is perfect. I am only human and I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to have flaws. Being complete means to be comfortable in my own skin. To accept myself for who I am and to accept that there are people who love me, flaws and all.
I don't do it well. Most days I'm pretty happy with what I have, but there are days where I hate myself. There are so many things I wish I could change about me but on days like that, I will do something that makes me happy. I went back to my books. They transport me to a different world and I forget, even for just a little bit, I forget that hate myself.
As time passes, I watch my friends have more meaningful relationships with their partners. Those relationships are strong. They no longer break up for stupid reasons but instead, I hear them tell me stories about how they worked out their problems together as a couple. I hear stories about compromising and staying together even during tough times.
I started to have a little bit of faith in relationships.
Slowly but surely, I begin to receive wedding invitations. The people whom I would copy homework from and some copied my homework, are starting their own families. I am beyond happy for them but as I watched them walk down the aisle, I feel like I'm lagging behind.
There are people my age who have a job that they love; they are getting married and having babies. I enjoy my job and I love my colleagues. but it's not my dream job. I have no one special in my life and I'm not likely to find someone in the near future.
As Taylor Swift once said and it describes my situation perfectly: "I don't even have someone that I'm texting that is a guy that might someday be my boyfriend."
Is there something wrong with me? Why am I always two steps behind my peers?
I do my best to push those insecurities away. I tell myself that if it's meant to be, it will happen.
There are days where I'm weak and I let those insecurities get to me.
It stings to see the people around me in love and completely happy. I'm not bitter because I care about them and I'm thrilled to see them with so much joy in their lives. I do feel a little left out because I can't help but wonder when will it be my turn to shine.
It also stings when there are people around me who say that I should find a boyfriend quickly because I'm getting too old. I simply smile and nod along.
Then I remember the Noah's Ark. The animals enter the ark two by two. And I always remember that two is better than one. I believe that it is God's way of telling me that there is someone out there for me, I just have to be patient.
Mind you, patience is so not my strong suit but I'm getting better at it.
If there is one thing I won't compromise is that I will never find a partner just for the sake of it. I will never be that girl who can't survive on her own. I don't want to get a boyfriend just because the people around me are getting hitched. Being too old will never be my reason to find a boyfriend.
"I want to be that girl who like when she falls in love it's like a big deal. It's a rare thing." - Taylor Swift (Yes, her again. Because she is awesome and I love her. Deal with it.)
People need to understand that being alone does not mean being lonely. I am very comfortable to be by myself. I am complete because I know who I am and what I want.
I am not about to compromise. And you shouldn't either. You deserve to have someone who truly cares about you and love you for who you are.