5 Totally Badass Ocean Creatures

They might just be more badass than the honey badger AND they can breathe under water. Nuff' said.

5. Dolphins - "We figured out how to have orgies and use sex toys with no hands. What have you done lately?"

environmentalgraffiti.com

Oh I know what you are thinking "Dolphins are so cute and cuddly- they make little sweet clicking noises, swim around doing flips and dancing around on their tails". Awwww....

Think again...

They are ruthless murders, who are sex obsessed tramps that engage in orgies, use sex toys and kill for fun...might want to think again before jumping in the water huh?!

Especially after is has been confirmed that the Soviets sold a bunch of combat dolphins to Iran back in 2000. Yes - that is right - combat dolphins. Ruthless killing combat dolphins.

The ocean is just filled with sexually deviant Rambo dolphins - swimming around banging and gossiping behind your back. Yes - they are laughing at you.

Watch your back you have been warned...

4. Greenland Shark - "I got so sick of typical ocean food... I killed and ate a Polar Bear"

listnation.blogspot.ca

Not only is the Greenland shark one of the largest predatory sharks out there, but they are pretty much blind from the parasitic copepod's that are attached to their eyes, which makes the next fact all the more badass...

The Greenland shark might look kind of dumb, but has been known to hunt and eat Polar Bear's... that is right... one of the biggest bears on LAND! These sharks are not just eating the carcasses either... they are hunting and killing LIVE bears.

Respect Greenland shark. Respect.

If that wasn't badass enough - Greenland sharks are also poisonous to pretty much everything except Sperm Whales and Orca's due to an enzyme in their blood that makes them 21 ft long /2,200 lbs balls of anti-freeze.

If anything dares to challenge how badass these sharks are - you are going to end up dead. Now who is laughing.

3. Box Jelly Fish - "This is a box that you certainly want to look out for"

aquaviews.net

You would think that after being around for more than 650 million years (p.s. that is longer than dinosaurs) - evolution would get something right... and the Box Jellyfish would be it. Not only are these things highly poisonous and can kill you in a few minutes, but they are also almost transparent and can travel up to 6 meters per second. Even Phelps and Lochte don't stand a chance against this kind of Box.

These guys are so poisonous that they have enough venom to kill up to 60 people... so you can't even sacrifice one of your friends if you see one. You are going to have a bad day as well.

But the weirdest part of all... the Box Jellyfish has 64 anuses'. I am not even going to touch that fact.

Just let that one sink in...

2. Pistol Shrimp - "One shrimp I wouldn't want to piss off"

en.wikipedia.org

The Pistol Shrimp belongs to a family of snapping shrimp called Alpheidae. While they are pretty wimpy in size (1-2 inches) - their "snap" (aka wave of bubbles) can stun larger fish and break small glass jars. Seriously!

Incredibly the pistol shrimp competes for the title of "loudest animals in the sea" right up there next to sperm whales and beluga whales. When the pistol shrimp snaps its claw shut a bubble is produced that extends out at speeds of 60 miles per hour (or 97 km/hr) and releases a sound that can reach 218 decibels. Not only is this as loud as a jet engine, but it can kill small fish. Like straight up kill them... with a sound bubble.

I don't know about you, but the pistol shrimp just won a place in my heart next to the honey badger.

1. Cookiecutter Shark - "I eat submarines and Great Whites like its no big deal"

Say hello to the cookiecutter shark (Isistius brasiliensis) - a relatively small creature (typically under 2 feet long) that doesn't even blink an eye before chowing down on Great White sharks and submarines.

Wait what?!

That's right - this little f*cker has taken out a nuclear submarine by biting through its cables and sonar domes.

They roll up to their prey like it is no big deal, latch on to the side of their prey with their top teeth and then violently twist until a perfect little "plug" gets savagely ripped out of the side of whatever they are snacking on.

...WTF

I have had nightmares that ended better than this...