While relationships always start off in the honeymoon phase, you don't often see the real work that goes on behind all that love. Recently, we asked couples married 20+ years to share their "unspoken rule" for a successful marriage. Here's what they had to share with the rest of the BuzzFeed Community:
1. "Understand that you will both meet different versions of each other as you grow as people. Learn how to still have that time to yourself to be better for each other."
2. "Never stop acting like you're dating. Go on dates and flirt. Act just as you would if you had just met, and it really helps to keep that spark alive!"
3. "We trust each other! Seemingly just about every argument couples have are rooted in a lack of trust. Are they cheating? Are they spending money? Are they secretly wanting something different? We communicate openly, and we don't question each other's motives because we trust that we are true to each other in all ways. When things get tough, we run toward each other instead of away from each other."
4. "Invest heavily in the friendship. When your relationship hits the bumpy patches, and it will, a solid foundation built on friendship goes a long way."
5. "Communication is key. You are constantly growing and changing. So, it's important to always communicate; otherwise, you can grow into people you hardly recognize. Remember to be honest and self-reflective of your own wants and needs. And be considerate of your partner's wants and needs."
6. "Pick your battles. You aren't going to agree on everything, but every disagreement doesn't have to be a big thing. If it's important to you and a big deal to you, make that clear, but every argument or disagreement should not be a huge event."
7. "I make a point at least a few times a week of looking at my partner through the eyes of a stranger. He's still a stone cold fox."
8. "Separate bank accounts."
9. "Respect the way your partner responds to things. If they withdraw during stressful times, give them space but let them know you're there with a reassuring hand squeeze or leaving their favorite snack somewhere you know they'll see it. If they get overly excited about something, let them, even if you don't get it. Do not downplay things that bring your partner joy unless it's harming you, themselves, or others. And finally, recognize that your person will transition through many versions of the person you fell in love with, and you won't love all of these versions. This works both ways and is unavoidable."
10. "Compromise and admit when you're wrong. Been married 41 years."
11. "When my husband asked me to marry him, he got down on one knee and said 'marriage is hard work' before he popped the question. It is hard work that continuously requires communication, listening without solving, and admission of being not right. Love is respect, and it carries into not only intellectual but physical intimacy."
12. "It's actually OK to go to sleep angry, but don't say things in anger. Wait for it, let it simmer. What you want to say at one point will be drastically different once you've cooled down. Going to sleep angry is fine, but make sure you sleep next to one another despite how angry you are. Storming away or sleeping separate only says that you think the other person is being unreasonable. Sleeping next to one another says that you acknowledge and recognize that you are angry and that these feelings are valid. This means so much and does a lot for a marriage. When you wake up, you won't wake up angry."
—Anonymous
13. "Just had our 39th anniversary, and the answer is easy: humor. If your spouse makes you laugh every day, you are truly blessed."
14. "In one word, respect. Respect your mate's feelings and opinions even when you disagree."
—Anonymous
15. "Forgiveness. Genuinely wiping the slate clean. 'Love keeps no record of wrongs,' someone once said."
16. "Don't let other people into your marriage. Friends, family, and especially parents have no business on the inner workings of your marriage."
—Anonymous
17. "You choose to love the person even when you don't 'feel' like it. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice."
18. "During arguments, we never use the words 'you did this' or 'you did that' to start a sentence. We use 'I feel' or 'I' statements only. Anything else puts the other person on the defensive automatically. Game-changer for our communication skills."
—Anonymous
19. "Never give up. Never quit working on it. Wake up every day willing to put in the time, effort, and nurturing it requires. Anything worth having doesn't come easy, you gotta work for it."
20. "Romance isn't just flowers and gifts. It's making the other person feel important. Little unexpected notes where they will find them. Always holding hands or being close. It's always the little things."
—Anonymous
21. "Marriage is never 50/50. It is more like 70/30 or sometimes 90/10. When your partner is struggling, you pick up the slack, and they do the same in return. If you have a relationship built on mutual respect, this will come naturally. Married 27 years and counting."
22. "Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Did your spouse forget to take out the trash or was too tired to unload the dishwasher? Suck it up. Stuff happens, and your spouse is human. If you choose to fight over stupid stuff, you may as well get a divorce because your partner isn't perfect, and neither are you."
—Anonymous
What's your "unspoken rule" for a successful marriage? Drop yours in the comments!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.