What Is Your Summer Love Horoscope?

The summer may be half over, but it's never too late for love!

Aquarius

Via en.wikipedia.org

Being the passionate water sign that you are, love will find you near the open sea.

Or at least in a saltwater jacuzzi. Be open. Be accepting. Be prepared for UTIs.

Pisces

Via en.wikipedia.org

Neptune is your love planet for the summer. Primarily because Neptune is the Roman god of water, and he knows how hot and murderous summer months can be. So why don't you get to worshiping in a whirlpool water temple AKA doin’ tha nasty in a saltwater jacuzzi.

Aries

Via en.wikipedia.org

The planetary energies will be in full effect for you this summer. The energy will flow through you like the salty bubbles in a jacuzzi. Which is also where you will end up eventually. Exchanging energies. In a jacuzzi.

Taurus

Via en.wikipedia.org

Money is in the cards for you, Taurus. You know who else has money? Current President of the Florida Marlins, David Samson. You know what he did with that money? Installed a giant aquarium in Marlins Park. You know what goes inside an aquarium? Water and fish. You know what fish do in the water? Pretty much everything, including but not limited to gettin' they freak on. So, in the name of all that is Mr. Samson, focus that cash flow on making your ass go into a saltwater jacuzzi for some sensual aquatic times.

Gemini

Via en.wikipedia.org

Exactly 100 years ago the fates aligned, dear Gemini, awaiting a date in the year 2015 in which love would float down to find you. Because 1915 is the year Jacuzzi was founded, and this is the summer you will seal the fate that Francesco, Rachele, Valeriano, Galindo, Candido, Giocondo and Giuseppe Jacuzzi bestowed upon you with a saltwater kiss: you're going to make love in hot tub.

Cancer

Wellcome Library, London / Via commons.wikimedia.org

You're no nonsense, Cancer. So let's cut to the chase. You're going have sex in a jacuzzi. Make peace with it.

Leo

Via en.wikipedia.org

Leo, your summer romance will obey the age-old adage: You can lead a horse to water, but it's just going to end up in a jacuzzi getting funky.

Virgo

Via en.wikipedia.org

Brent is going to try to convince you to have sex in his friend's jacuzzi again this summer. Just be like, "Fine, Brent. But you better not do that thing with the water jets again." And he'll be like, "What thing?" So, just give him that look that shows him what's what because you're a Virgo, and Virgos are baller af. And he'll be like "...yeah, okay. I won't do the thing." All stars align to you definitely banging it out in that jacuzzi again.

Libra

Via en.wikipedia.org

If your relationships have felt strained this summer, maybe you should stop having relationships with colanders. And start having relationships in sweet, sweet saltwater jacuzzis.

Scorpio

Via en.wikipedia.org

"Mercury is in retrograde and will eventually sync with Saturn" is a thing that sounds horoscope-y. If you figure out with that means, please share. In the meantime, why don't you get to bumpin' bits with the neighborhood hottie in Brent's friend's jacuzzi. He won't care. Literally everyone is getting it on in that jacuzzi.

Sagittarius

Via en.wikipedia.org

What even is a Sagittarius? A centaur with a crossbow? Seems like this summer is the perfect time to work out that man-horse aggression by wetting your poozy in a saltwater jacuzzi. Perhaps with a Capricorn because they're an equally confusing crossbreed of species.

Capricorn

Via en.wikipedia.org

Start drinking that cranberry juice, you mutant goat fish, because someone's about to get freaky deaky in a saltwater jacuzzi until Mother Earth's leaves change to brown. Your compatible love signs for the summer are all of them because everyone's going to be extra okay with having sex in stagnant water these next three months for whatever reason.