His celebrity crush is the Phillie Phanatic.He does a fantastic impression of the dog from Fraiser.
He's got a big time crush on that alien mascot.
His middle school notebook was covered with “Mr. Rob Phanatic.”
He identifies as Team Jacob but is secretly Team Edward.He can identify a person’s Zodiac sign just by looking at their ear holes.
He's a Zodiac Psychic!
Don’t ask him how because he’ll just say it's "so obvious” and shake his head disapprovingly.
His favorite food is plain croutons.He eats soup with a fork because it’s “more filling that way.”
Croutons for Life!
Saltines with margarine are a close second.
It was with a Palm Pilot in a Radio Shack.It was with a spinach quiche sample in a CostCo.
Palm Pilot <3<3<3
They weren’t selling it. He just found it in a box in the back marked “y2k prep kit.”
He has the eyes of a rescue dog.He has the autograph of a Rescue Me cast member framed in his locker.
Eyes of a Rescue Dog!
Just look at them. They scream to be adopted and renamed something cutesy like Muffins or Queen Lashtifa.
Once told a washing machine to "shut up."Will only do laundry if someone’s next to him humming “Shut Up” by the Black Eyed Peas.
He told a washing machine to "shut up!"
It was at a Sears Outlet, and he hasn’t been back since.
His full name is Crisco Collinsworth.His Full House name is Danny and Joey’s Lovechild.
Everywhere you look, everywhere there’s a reminder of this beautiful family.
Telling the most kids to “cool it with the chatting” in a movie theater.Most Held-In Elevator Farts.
"Cool it, kids!"
Bonus Fun Fact: Belichick can ONLY fart in elevators. So, this was kind of a trick question! Sry!!!
Uses pita pockets for shoulder pads.Uses feta cheese as deodorant.
They give surprisingly good support.
Isn't fooling anyone.Nice Try.
You can add an extra "l" to your name, but we all know who you really are.
You can't hide from your part in Legally Blonde forever.
Get Up Offa That Thing
And dance until you prove to me that you also deserve to be named James Brown.
He thinks he's the Carrie of his friend circle.He thinks he's the Samantha of his friend circle.
But he's actually the Miranda.
And he just needs to accept that.
He keeps sandwiches in his football pants.He keeps making eye contact with people eating sandwiches.
Sandwich Eye Contact
It's because of a curse put on him by a witch, and he doesn’t like to talk about it.
He keep calling Katy Perry "That Bedazzled Zooey Deschanel."He keeps calling it “Super Bowl Ex-Licks” because he doesn’t know what Roman Numerals are.
Super Bowl XLIX?
He thinks it's an off-brand Ex-Lax.
It's actually short for Justin Ross Sweet&BreezyIt's actually short for JK Rowling Sweezy.
JK Rowling Sweezy
Not to be confused with his brother, J.RRTolkien Sweezy.
Is maybe a robot.Is definitely a robot.
The studies are inconclusive.
But he's probably a robot.
The ending to Marley and Me, and he was as sad about the movie being spoiled as the ending itself.That he was totally pulling off that hat, and he just really needed to hear that.
Cool Hat, Tom.
That pom pom really does suit you.