Vladimir Putin: More Than A Mere Human Being
Taking a moment to appreciate the President of Russia.
If there is one person in the world right now that many Americans consider the anti-Christ, it is Russian President Vladimir Putin. That is, of course, putting aside the person who holds the number one place in our country's heart as an apocalyptic-seeking devil: Barack Obama.
Now, I'm not saying good old Putin hasn't given many people around the world a right, to put it nicely, hate his guts. After all, he thinks Russia needs to be "cleansed" of homosexuals, he banned anyone outside of the country from adopting Russian children, and he happened to grant asylum to Edward Snowden, that brilliant guy that leaked a bunch of top secret U.S. information.
It's easy to look at these acts as a reason to further vilify the man. Especially when American media basically draws devil horns on his head every night when covering the news around the world. And, I will admit, prior to researching anything about Putin, I thought the guy was pretty much a narcissistic asshole. However, I knew that even bad eggs usually have at least one or two positive attributes (if only to feed the starving rats in the gutters). This led me on a quest to discover the real man behind his ever scowling face that seems to scream "fuck off" to everyone else.
On this quest, I first wanted to look into the backgrounds of people who are even more hated by the world than Putin. I felt like discovering some good in the world's most atrocious criminals would make any positives about ole Vladdy sound even better.
Take Charles Manson for example. True, he did convince a group of drugged-up, brainwashed cronies to slaughter seven innocent people. But what most people don't know is that the former hippy–turned-bat-shit-crazy murderer was, and still is, a huge environmental activist. Even after being in prison for over forty years, Manson's foundation ATWA (air, trees, water, animals) still has a lot of support.
Even necrophiliac serial killer Jefrey Dahmer gave us a glimmer of hope for his soul. He did this by finding religion in his jail cell and becoming baptized. This was, of course, before he was beaten to death by another inmate.
My point is, if we can find redeeming qualities in two of the most well-known criminals of our time, surely we can cut Putin a little slack. If you're still having a hard time finding a soft spot in your heart for him, keep reading.
Despite being an Orthodox Christian family man, the Russian President has many other qualities that would certainly appeal to many Bible-beating conservatives in America's great south. Putin is a hunter, a fisherman, a sportsman, and basically Russia's equivalent of Chuck Norris.
The man reportedly caught one of the largest Pike fish ever recorded, attached satellite tracking devices to live polar bears to conserve their population, and saved an entire camera crew from a Siberian tiger by shooting the animal with a tranquilizer pistol. While these heroic incidences have a "small" chance of being exaggerated by the man himself, the world cannot just sit back and ignore this powerhouse of a human being.
As a very credible internet source called cracked.com put it, "he's the good and bad guys combined so that the morality cancels out and you're left with the best part of a Hollywood movie: pure, unadulterated ass kicking."
If you need further proof of his ass-kicking abilities, just turn to the worldwide web. I know it is possible for photographs to be manipulated these days, but I'd say there is a pretty good chance that many of the images you find of Putin are the real deal. To give you a small preview of the photographic evidence of this superhuman, you can find pictures of him literally spraying water down from the sky to extinguish the flames of a raging wildfire while simultaneously flying a Beriev BE-200, a.k.a. a big-ass plane.
The recently divorced president can also put on quite the charm for the ladies. There are countless photos of Putin flexing his large pecs and biceps while doing manly tasks such as fly-fishing and horseback riding. While some, as I said before, photos may be slightly manipulated (example: shirtless Putin riding a brown bear,) no one can question the fact that the man is in good shape.
While strong, pure Russian genes probably play a role in his sculpted physique, Putin keeps his sixty-two year old bod in shape by participating in a multitude of sports. In addition to the aforementioned fishing and horseback riding, Vladdy is skilled in Judo, ice hockey, skiing, and white water rafting. If you're not impressed by his wide range of athletic abilities, factor in that he is only five foot, seven inches. Little man syndrome? Maybe. But that doesn't detract from his strangely attractive, partially-balding sex appeal.
Sadly, Putin is rumored to be dating former world champion gymnast Alina Kabayeva, so good luck competing with that.
Many Americans may claim to hate Putin, but this negative view isn't held by the entire country at large. This fall, Vladimir Putin topped the Forbes Most Powerful Person List. The makers of the list claim that he came out on top because of his sheer power and ability to control a large continent. I bet his "coolest dude ever" persona had something to do with it. Putin actually came out on top over Obama, which further proves my statement that those who pledge their allegiance to the stars and stripes hate our president more than Putin. Putin was also nominated for this year's Nobel Peace Prize, but he lost to Pakistani teenage education campaigner Malala Yousafzai.
This paper was not written to convince anyone to love the dictator-like president of the unforgiving Russian continent, but rather to inform readers that there exists in this world a man who seems to be more of a superhero than a mere human being.
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