1. The Worst Things About Being an Adult
"You have to call your own doctor; I'm not mature enough to speak to a medical professional."
2. The Worst Types of People on Instagram
"Do you know how many hashtags are necessary? Zero! Zero hashtags."
3. The Most Annoying Types of Couples
"There is only one two-for-one special I am interested in and it comes with a side of gravy."
4. Things People Do in Public That They Should Do in Private
"Unless you are literally being chased by a man with a functioning chainsaw, there is no good reason to be running."
5. The Worst Things About Online Dating
"Do you want to know who else liked music, movies, and books? Hitler!"
6. The Worst Things About Weddings
"Jesus said, 'Thou shall not have a wedding and make thou guests pay to get fucked up.'"
7. The Most Annoying People to Text With
"Don't you dare text me 'K' unless you are ready to throw down."
8. Reasons Wearing Pants Is the Absolute Worst
"Let's squeeze into a piece of fabric that measures how much fatter you are than the last time you tried on pants."
9. Reasons Mornings Are the Absolute Worst
"My body isn't ready to confront the world until I've had at least three cups of coffee, cereal, a nap, and lunch."
10. The Worst Things About Fall
"Do you know what pie is better than apple pie? Any pie! Any pie is better than apple pie!"
11. The Worst Types of Roommates
"If you think for a second that I don't count every stick of the sweet potato fries that are in the fridge, you're out of your goddamn mind."
12. Types Of Foods That Are the Worst
"What kind of a bitch noodle is a ramen noodle?"
13. Reasons Why Kids Are the Absolute Worst
"Never once have I come across a kid that didn't have at least two dirty Hello Kitty Band-Aids loosely covering a green scab."
14. The Worst Things About Office Holiday Parties
"Just because Santa is watching, doesn’t mean he wants you grinding on things you’re not allowed to grind on the other 364 days a year."
15. Reasons Going Out Is the Worst
"Making plans to go out is like trying to wrangle a pack of gorillas into a broken-down station wagon."
16. Types of College Students That Annoy Me
"There is always that one guy who loves ultimate frisbee. Do you know who else loves ultimate frisbee? Dogs! Actual dogs love it."
17. Types Of Co-Workers That Are the Absolute Worst
"We're all just trying to turn hard work into chicken nuggets."