9 Dos And 4 Don'ts Of Talking About Mental Health At Work, According To A Psychologist

Because mental health *is* health.

As the pandemic drags on and the Great Resignation continues, more and more people are realizing the importance of mental health at work. But actually having a conversation about your mental health in the workplace can still be pretty nervewracking.

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If you're thinking about opening up in this way, you're definitely not alone. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 1 in 5 American adults has experienced a mental illness. 

Plus, everyone has mental health. And just like physical health, it comes with ups and downs. Mental health is a normal part of life that shouldn't be stigmatized.

However, some of us have had less-than-ideal outcomes from talking about our mental health in the past, so we may be feeling anxious about opening up. Or perhaps we grew up in a world that told us that we should never, ever talk about this stuff at work, so we don't even really know where to start.

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Personally, I've told former bosses I was physically ill rather than admit that I was having a panic attack. And that's not uncommon. A poll conducted by Aetna in 2020 found that 51.7% of employees with a mental health condition have similarly lied about their reasons for taking a sick day. 

But these lies add another layer of pressure to an already delicate situation. Let me tell you, it is NOT fun trying to make up a cover story when you're already not thinking clearly. In fact, me having to lie adds a new layer of anxiety about doing the things I need to do to feel better, like taking a long mental health walk. What if a coworker spots me out and about and snitches on me for "faking sick"??

It's so much harder to get to a healthier place when you feel like you can't be honest about what's going on. So as workplaces are becoming more open around mental health, we all need to learn how to open up and how to listen so we can be honest about our experiences without fear of repercussions.

To get some expert tips on having these conversations, I reached out to Melissa Doman, MA — organizational psychologist, former clinical mental health therapist, and author of Yes, You Can Talk About Mental Health at Work (Here's Why and How to Do It Really Well). Here's what she had to say:

1. Do know your purpose for having a mental health conversation at work. Understanding your "why" and what you hope to get out of the conversation will help you keep the chat on track.

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Talking about your mental health at work can feel scary, especially if you, like me, have been told in the past to hide your condition from employers at all costs. So Doman recommends preparing for the conversation by focusing on your "why."

"Sharing about mental health should be done with purpose, not just sharing just to share," says Doman. "Sharing about mental health at work is great, but what's most important (aside from shifting the overall narrative) is encouraging people to take action to manage their mental health — and not to feel guilty or fearful of doing that."

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So before you open up, think about what you hope to get out of the conversation and who would be the best person to talk with. Maybe you need to leave early on Tuesdays for therapy appointments and you want to clear it with your boss. Or perhaps you know your behavior has been different recently and you want to let a few close coworkers know why. Whatever it is, getting clear on your purpose helps you plan what you need to say, who to say it to, and when.

2. Don't assume that you need to have a mental health diagnosis to bring up what you're going through at work. Your feelings are valid, and so are your needs.

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Doman says that in her experience, workers bring up their mental health for a variety of reasons. "Most often it’s when people are facing work stress, struggling with a mental health condition, being bullied or excluded at work, problems at home, relationship disturbances, a major life transition, financial stress, health problems, grief or loss, feeling overwhelmed or uncertain, or just a general sense of 'blah' (also known these days as 'languishing')."

And Doman says that pandemic stress is another big reason why more and more people are initiating mental health conversations at work.

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"Talk about feelings of learned helplessness where you're trying to constantly navigate a consistently volatile and changing ecosystem during a time in history of some of the worst political division and socially driven hatred we've ever seen. Those things are leaving a big mark on us." 

3. Do look for signs that your workplace is open to conversations around mental health.

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"Your employer should support mental health as a company value in practice, not just as the 'trendy thing to say' as part of employee engagement." Doman says that the following signs are green flags that your workplace is serious about mental health. "Experiencing negative emotions is normalized and seen as part of being a human at work. You witness colleagues or managers talking about their own mental health. People share that they're in therapy or if they need to take time out from their workday for a therapy appointment."

4. But don't ignore red flags that your workplace may not be a safe space for these conversations.

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"If mental health isn't talked about at all at the organizational level, that’s a red flag," Doman says. "Other red flags: Mental health discussions are actively avoided or hidden, people feel they need to lie about having mental health struggles to take a day off (i.e., they blame it on physical illness), people report not feeling psychologically safe to be open with colleagues or their boss about their struggles, and emotional stoicism is encouraged. People making fun of mental health conditions or co-opting mental illness language to describe how they're feeling are also red flags that a workplace may be less safe for those with mental health concerns." If you're seeing a lot of red flags in your workplace, unfortunately you might be better off not mentioning your mental health concerns or proceeding with extreme caution.

5. Do answer these questions for yourself before putting time on the calendar to talk.

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"If you're the sharer, ask yourself the following important questions: 

• Am I ready to actually talk about this? 

• Why do I want to talk about this at work? 

• Who do I want to share with and why? 

• What do I want this person to do with this information? 

• What am I concerned about in regards to sharing this information?"

"Once you have clear answers on these questions, you can set yourself for sharing with intention, clarity, and purpose — as opposed to feeling like you need to share and aren't sure how to help that conversation take shape."

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It's also totally OK if when thinking over these questions, you realize that you don't feel ready to talk about your mental health at work yet. You're not required to talk about it ever if it doesn't feel right. It's 100% up to you.

6. Do state your intentions at the beginning of the conversation to make it really clear what you need out of this talk.

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"Whether you're the sharer or listener, please understand that a mental health at work conversation may not be linear or have a nice bow tied around it at the end. That's why stating intentions (on both sides) at the beginning of the conversation is so helpful — so you can both align on exactly what's happening and (hopefully) what will come from it."

7. Don't worry that you'll have to share every little detail about what you're going through. If you make the decision to talk about your mental health, you only have to share what needs to be said.

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"Some conversations may be as easy as someone just wanting to feel connected to another human being," Doman says. "Other conversations may be very complex, requiring the person who is disclosing mental health information to speak with Human Resources about getting certain accommodations at work or being referred to the employee-assistance program or health insurance to get clinical counseling. Most conversations are somewhere in between."

"It's about sharing as much as needed, and ultimately deciding where that conversation should sit, and who would be best suited to help someone in need of assistance."

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This means you don't have to share every detail of your trauma or go into your symptoms in depth to accomplish these goals. It's a bit like talking about your physical health at work. You can just say you had the stomach flu and get your point across without going into all the gory details.

8. And if you have any fears or concerns going into the conversation, do be up front about those feelings as well.

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Doman urges, "Do be clear about any concerns you have (i.e., that you don't want that person to see you differently or share your information with others without your consent)." Expressing these concerns is a way for you to set boundaries around your personal information. Plus, acknowledging that it's a sensitive, even scary, topic for you to broach can actually help take some of the edge off. 

"Having a fear of being judged for a mental health disclosure at work is very valid. Our history as a species, and even now, continues to give us countless reasons to be afraid to share about something totally normal. We all have mental health, and countless people have mental illness, and yet — there is the continued fear of being othered."

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Just remember, you're extremely not alone in having a mental health concern, especially in 2022. Odds are the person you'll be sharing with has had similar experiences themselves or with a loved one. Mental health is health, and it's normal.

9. Do be prepared to educate the person you're talking to about your condition if they aren't familiar.

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Unless you specifically work in mental health, there's a good chance that the person you reach out to might not understand what your experience is like — and that's OK. "Educate the person on what you're struggling with if they're not familiar (i.e., they don't understand clinical depression)," Doman recommends. She also says it can be a good idea to make them aware of some high-level ways that your symptoms may be showing up at work. "Be clear about any changes in your tone or body language so the person doesn't assume any changes are because of them."

10. And don't think any misunderstandings or feelings of awkwardness automatically mean that the conversation isn't going to be productive.

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"Don’t assume that the conversation can’t be productive or that a misunderstanding will result in a poor outcome. This is an opportunity to get on the same page," Doman says. It might take more time and patience, but if there's genuine willingness on both sides, working through misunderstandings and misconceptions can be really rewarding.

"Realize this is step one and that it could take time for your manager or colleague to know how they can help."

11. Do set expectations for any "next steps" that should follow after you've opened up.

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Make sure you spend some time talking about what you hope will come out of the conversation. Depending on what you need, Doman says, "Next steps could vary. It could be anything from just having a coffee chat every couple of weeks to check in, being switched to another role or a different project (if feasible), needing mental health accommodations through HR (this would need to be supported by medical professional recommendations), getting a referral through health insurance to go to therapy, or tweaking how you communicate with someone." Whatever you need after this conversation, be sure to make it known.

12. If you face discrimination or repercussions for opening up about your mental health, do know your rights.

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Sadly, it is possible that you could face illegal discrimination after disclosing mental health concerns. "In these unfortunate situations, the type of discrimination will determine the next steps to take," Doman says. 

"If it should happen that you shared your condition with a colleague in confidence and they repeated it to others or are now bullying you, you should discuss with your manager.  If you shared your condition with a manager and they're treating you differently or unwilling to discuss it, you may need to escalate to HR for mediation or an investigation. If you're being taken out of the running for a promotion by your boss or the company is trying to manage you out of the business due to a mental health disclosure, you may need to consult with an attorney."

13. And finally, if a coworker opens up to you about their mental health, do keep an open mind and be a safe person for them to talk to.

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"If you're the listener, the best things you can do are make it known to those around you that it's safe for people to share with you, role model by sharing about your own mental health, have a basic understanding of mental health and mental illness, and try to suspend pre-existing biases around those topics."

"Respect that person's confidentiality (unless it's an emergency), ask the type of help that they want (i.e., do they want you to just listen or to help sort through things), and don't get distracted! Give the conversation the attention and space it deserves. Be clear on next steps (if there are any)."

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If someone tells you that they are planning to hurt themself or others, then that's an example of a mental health emergency. In these situations, NAMI recommends calling 911 if there is immediate, life-threatening danger, or contacting a county mental health crisis unit or suicide hotline if the situation is less urgent. If you do have to call 911 in a mental health crisis, NAMI suggests asking the operator to send a Crisis Intervention Training officer (CIT) who is trained in handling these types of situations. Unfortunately, CITs may not be available in all areas, but you won't know unless you ask.

"Sharing about mental health at work can be an uphill battle, don't make that person regret the climb. Follow their lead and their vibe — they'll set the tone if you listen. If you're unavailable at that time, make sure they know the conversation is important to you and take action to schedule some time to speak," Doman says.

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If you don't quite know what to say, something as simple as, "Thank you for trusting me with this," can go a long way. Often, people just need to be heard.

Do you talk about your mental health at work? Why or why not? Share your experiences in the comments.

And for more stories about work and money, check out the rest of our personal finance posts.