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8 Quick Dinners That Will Be Sure To Impress Your Guests

If you have company coming over, but don't have time to cook a big fancy meal, here are a couple dinner suggestions that take no time at all to prepare and will still wow your guests!

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1. Steamed Broccoli Florets With A Side Of $40

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SCENARIO: It's Saturday night and you're about to kick up your feet and watch the Girlfriends marathon on UPN. You been waiting for this all week. All of a sudden, BZZT BZZT goes your celly. You don't want to answer it but something compels you to.

Oh no! It's your boss from the firm! He's 10 minutes away and he can't wait to talk about your potential promotion to Head Paper Shredder. You need this promotion or your girlfriend is gonna leave you! Your life is in shambles! Why are you such a loser?! WAIT.

Take a deep breath and take action.

HOW TO IMPRESS: Steam up the bag of broccoli florets that you have and lay them delicately on the plate. Then, take 2 crisp 20's out of your savings and put them next to the broccoli. Fan it out so it looks like a lot. Remember: It's not a bribe if it's served on a plate! For a little extra added class, put out a small bottle of San Pellegrino sparkling water.

You've done it! Your boss comes over, shovels down the florets and pockets the $40. You got the job and he now considers you a friend. This couldn't have gone any better.

2. Pasta Fondue

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SCENARIO: Your best college friend Emilio has hit you up after 5 years of not talking to you. What the hell does he want? How'd he get your number? Who knows but he wants the dinner you promised him. What dinner? Well, he apparently has a video of you at a frat party screaming "MAN. Oh DUDE. Seriously, if you EVER EVER need EVER need a dinner...like if you're down on your luck...I'll MAKE you a dinner. Come find, me and i'll MAKE you a dinner. No questions asked. BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE MAKE EACH OTHER DINNER FOR LIFE, best." He'll be over in 5. Better hop to it!

HOW TO IMPRESS: Break out those individual bags of pasta that you have. Lay them delicately on the plates. Then, get out your mini pots and quickly boil some water in each one. Voila! You two can make your own pasta! Very arts and craftsy. It's like cheese fondue but with out all that cheese hassle. He may ask you if you learned this on Pintrest. You can say yes or no. It doesn't really matter. Also, if you want to show Emilio you've become a little classier since your "pork fartin'" days, why not put out a couple small bottles of San Pellegrino sparkling water. It's light, crisp and sort of tastes like the beach.

NOTE: This works with penne and quadrettini.

This does not work with: Acini di pepe, Agnolotti, Alfabeto, Anelli, Anellini, Bavette, Bavettine, Bigoli, Bucatini, Calamarata, Calamaretti, Campanelle, Cannelloni, Cannelloni, Capelli d'angelo, Capellini, Cappelletti, Capunti, Casarecce, Casoncelli, Casunziei, Cavatappi, Cavatelli, Cellentani, Cencioni, Chifferi, Ciriole, Conchiglie, Conchigliette, Conchiglioni, Corallini, Corzetti, Creste di galli, Croxetti, Ditali, Ditalini, Elicoidali, Fagioloni, Fagottini, Farfalle, Farfalline, Farfalloni, Fedelini, Fettuccine, Fettuce, Fettucelle, Fideos, Fideuà, Filini, Fiorentine, Fiori, Foglie d'ulivo, Fregula, Funghini, Fusilli, Fusilli Bucati, Garganelli, Gemelli, Gigli, Gnocchi, Gramigna, Grattini, Grattoni, Lagane, Lanterne, Lasagne, Lasagnette, Lasagnotte, Linguettine, Linguine, Lumache, Lumaconi, Macaroni, Maccheroncelli (trying it with this pasta has, in cases, caused temporary blindness), Mafalde, Mafaldine, Malagliati, Maltagliati, Maltagliati, Mandala, Manicotti, Marille, Marziani, Matriciani, Maultasche, Mennette, Mezzani, Mezzelune, Mezzi bombardoni, Midolline, Mostacciloli, Occhi de pernice, Occhi di lupo, Orecchiette, Orzo, Paccheri, Pappardelle, Passatelli, Pastina, Pellizzoni, Pelmeni, Pennoni, Perciatelli, Pici, Pierogi, Pillus, Pipe, Pizzoccheri, Puntine, Quadrefiore, Radiatori, Ravioli, Ricciolini, Ricciutelle, Rigatoncini, Rigatoni, Risi, Rotelle, Rotini, Rotini, Sacchettini, Sacchettoni, Sagnarelli, Sagne 'ncannulate, Scialatelli, Seme de melone, Sorprese, Sorprese Lisce, Spaghetti, Spaghetti alla chitarra, Spaghettini, Spaghettoni, Spätzle, Spirali, Spiralini, Stelle, Stelline, Stortini, Stringozzi, Strozzapreti, Tagliatelle, Taglierini, Torchio, Tortellini, Tortelloni, Tortiglioni, Trenette, Trenne, Trennette, Tripoline, Tripolini, Trofie, Tuffoli, Vermicelli, Vermicelloni, Ziti, and Zitoni.

3. Possessed Phone With A Side Of Blood

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SCENARIO: You got drunk at bible study and told everyone they could come to your place for an after study meal. Everyone is so pumped because you always talk about how amazing of a cook you are. Hubris will ultimately be your downfall in life.

HOW TO IMPRESS: But hubris can suck it tonight! You've got creativity on your side. Run home, you drunk idiot, and break out the fine china. Put your phone on the plate, make sure to charge that other phone that you have, and set out a large bottle of San Pellegrino sparkling water to class up the joint. Then, make a concoction of fake blood using corn syrup and red food dye OR slit the outer corners of your eyes and just bleed all over the plate. When your Jesus gushin' friends come bouncing on over, they'll see the blood you're "crying" (lol) and the phone that's calling from an unknown number (it's you calling from the other phone that you have (lol)). Make one of them pick it up and hide in another room. When they answer it, say in a deep gutteral voice "THIS HOUSE IS UNCLEAN. GET OUT. DON'T DRINK THE PELLEGRINO. IT IS UNHOLY. HISS."

They certainly won't want to eat in your home after that! Guests = impressed and home cooked dinner = avoided. Plus, they'll probably think you're the devil and you'll never be invited back to bible study. I'd consider that a win!

4. Potluck Night

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SCENARIO: You're working late at the office. Shreddin' papers and eyeing the mailboy suspiciously. He's definitely been stealing some of your mail. That's a federal offense! One day you'll catch him in the act and beat hisBLOOP!

You just got a Facebook message. It's Richie from the office. "Whre r u, bro? We're @ ur place 4 teh potluck?2=7!! Whr u @?"

Oh no! Do you have time to make a full meal?

HOW TO IMPRESS: Of course you don't! But that doesn't mean you can't impress your work friends with a quick dinner. Show up to your place with a mouthful of apologies and say "I made a Chicken Cordon Bleu that will knock all your socks off! Hope your prepared to eat!" Stall for approximately 4 hours by talking about how classy your San Pellegrino sparkling water is but how odd it tastes. "It's tastes surprisingly thick. Do you guys understand what I mean by that? Like, it's thick with salt. It's akin to drinking a diluted salt lick. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy." By then, everyone will have eaten everyone else's potluck food and your associates will have completely forgotten about your Chicken Cordon Bleu. If someone does ask about where your dish was, say you're tired and that they all should leave. They'll leave alright...they'll leave impressed. Guaranteed.

5. Burger With A Side Of Fries

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SCENARIO: You're standing in line at the bank because you accidentally shredded a couple $100 bills at work and you're wondering if they can help you in any way. You get a tap on the shoulder. Whip around and who do you see standing behind you? Will Smith! Wow! Unbelievable! Who knew Will Smith did his own banking. Not you! How surreal. He asks if you wanna make him a meal because he's hungry. Bizarre and forward question but are you going to turn down Will Smith? You're not gonna turn down Will Smith. You give him your address and tell him to meet you there tonight! Oh boy! Will Smith!

HOW TO IMPRESS: Go directly to McDonalds and buy a Quarter Pounder W/Cheese and a small fry. Place fancily onto the plate and pick out your finest, largest, classiest bottle of San Pellegrino. This is Will Smith we're talking about here. He doesn't drink that Perrier shit. He's gonna want to see that red star on the bottle. When Will Smith shows up, he may ask "You didn't make this. That's from McDonalds." Assert yourself. This is YOUR home. You're not going to called a liar in YOUR home. You MADE that burger for Will Smith, star of Hancock and 8 Pounds or whatever. He can eat it or he can get out. He'll be so impressed.

You did it. Way to impress a movie star, slugger.

6. Mortar And Pestle Of PB&J And Also Cristal

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SCENARIO: Date night. Ugh. You completely forgot. Your girlfriend is headed to your place with the ultimatum that "If you don't impress me tonight, it's over between us." Yikes! Also, I think it's her birthday?

HOW TO IMPRESS: This is such an easy one. First, break out the stone mortar and pestle that you have. Fill it with one part peanut butter and one part jelly. Rest the pestle on top so it kind of looks like a stone penis. This will be sure to remind her of sex. Then, make sure to set out your chilled Cristal. Present it next to a large bottle of San Pellegrino so, by proxy, the Cristal looks as classy as old money in a monkey suit at a soirée in a manor. (Mix the two drinks together for a crisp and delightful flavor that tastes sort of good). Light a few candles if you have them. Set the mood. Sit down for dinner. Start mashing the peanut butter and jelly. Let her mash it for a little. Stare into each others eyes. Pass the stone bowl back and forth. Lick the concoction off the pestle; slowly. Feel like kids again. Rekindle your romance. Have sex on the table. She's so impressed. Get married. Get a divorce.

7. Shards Of Plate With A Side Of Smaller Shards Of Plate

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SCENARIO: The Democratic National Convention Dinner is at your house this year! How did this slip your mind?! Dammit dammit dammit. You really need to stop shredding your calendars. But now a bunch of left-wing donkeys are headed to your house to chow down and you have nothing prepared.

...or do you?

HOW TO IMPRESS: Okay so this one, while easy to prepare, takes a TON of commitment. Whatever plates you aren't using for place settings, shatter with a hammer (or shatter with the good old fashioned equation "height + gravity = brokens"). Then, neatly arrange the pieces onto each plate. When your guests arrive, stare them down and start eating the broken plate. Start with smaller pieces. Work your way up to the bigger shards. Ask them about how their convention thing went. You may start feeling pains but that's natural because you're eating sharp pieces of a broken plate. Considering this is an unnatural thing to be doing, it is imperative that you put out not 1 but 2 bottles of San Pellegrino sparkling water. The classiness of the 2 bottles may be just the push you need to make sure those DNC boys and girls leave impressed. Also, tell them they have your vote. They like hearing that.

8. As Much San Pellegrino As You Can Afford

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SCENARIO: Any and all scenarios.

HOW TO IMPRESS: Have your guest open their eyes. End of story. Anyone who comes over is going to take one look at this and literally turn into a monocle.

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