15 Stories About Children That Will Make You Laugh
I asked several moms, who happen to be authors, for funny stories about their children and here are some of the hilarious responses. Happy Mother's Day to all of you!
1. When you're just that hungry
2. I'm starving.
When E (my daughter) was in kindergarten, she had a journal she kept in school to help build her writing skills. Every day, each child would write a journal entry about anything they wanted. Most of her entries were what she did in school that day or the night before with her family. But one day her entire entry was made up of two words. I'm starving.
My eight year old makes a point to tell random people, such as the grocery store cashier, a waitress at a restaurant we're attending, etc. that his mom is a NYT best selling author of sexy books he can't read. Every time is funnier than the last because usually it starts up a conversation about wicked hot books and me giving them my card. He's my own little mini-publicist.
4. You ate what?!?
I went to visit family when I was seven months pregnant with my first child, and my four-year-old niece didn't understand how I'd gotten so big since the last time she saw me. Once I explained that I had a baby in my belly, she looked at me with wide eyes -- a face of horror -- and said, "You ate a baby!?"
5. Future commentator
One day, my 7 year old was following his baby sister around and commentating like he was the host of Wild Kingdom or something. In a hushed voice he goes: "The baby is the most vicious of snatchers. See the marks of her smile? She's about to snatch something."
My youngest had tried to go outside without permission for about 6 times in the last half hour. Finally I threatened her with being in trouble if she touched the door again. She looked me dead in the eye and slowly reached out, putting her hand on the door.
I was with my niece the other day and she didn't want to go to sleep. I was telling her I'm going to sleep too because I have a baby and the baby needs to sleep - she said she has a baby too, so I told her that means she needs to go to sleep too, she responds, "but the baby doesn't want to sleep, she wants to watch tv."
8. My favorite girl
My son who is 7, still doesn't understand why he can't marry me. He's starting to get it but for so long he was crushed. Like I broke his heart. He'd say, "you're my favorite girl, why can't I marry you?"
9. The joys of potty training
When my daughter was 1 ½ years old, she came running out of the bathroom with a proud smile saying, " I wiped my a** mommy!" She was potty training.
10. At least she used it right
I was sitting at my kitchen table one afternoon, and my kids were playing in the playroom adjacent to me. My eldest, who was two-and-a-half at the time, was playing in a little school bus that was a sort of play center, and my youngest, who was six months old, was crawling around. My eldest looked back at the baby, smiling sweetly, and said, "Come here, Claire! Get in the f*****g bus! Come on, baby. Come get in the f*****g bus and play!"
Because that's just what you say when you really, really want someone to do something.
I called my husband, after explaining to my daughter that f**k was a rude word for little kids to say and bad manners, and when I told him what happened, he laughed and said, "Well, at least she used it right."
11. I didn't do it!
My daughter was playing with my mom and brushing her hair. My mom playfully yelled "Ow that hurts!" And in return she said "I know! My brush is so mean!"
Last year on the last day of preschool our son cam home to tell us he broke up with his girlfriend. When we asked why he said, "Because I can't have a girlfriend for the summer! I need options." Mind you, he was 5…
13. New dog breed
We adopted Tulle, the Labrador a few years before we had our son. He was the sweetest, gentlest companion and our son adored him.
One sunny day, when we were out walking, a neighbor stopped us. She warmly asked our son, who was around three, what kind of dog he had.
Peering up at the neighbor with his blue eyes glistening, he crossed his pudgy little arms and thoughtfully considered the question. I couldn't imagine what he was going to say. He looked so earnest, so serious…
Finally, without a smile and appearing very adult, he answered. "Why that's a Labradog. A very fine Labradog breed."
14. Hoover International DAM!
This didn't happen exactly as played out here, but it's pretty close and the word creativity was straight from my daughter's imagination.
"Did something happen at school, sweetie?" I repeat.
"I yelled out a landmark and Ms. Weldon made me move my clip down."
"I don't understand what that means. Why a landmark?"
"When Keeley said she was moving, I got mad. I wanted to yell and say a bad word like I heard Daddy do in the garage when he dropped the drill."
I shake my head and wait for this story to make any kind of sense. With Sophie it eventually gets there, but sometimes the trip is oddly fun. "And…"
"So I yelled, Hoover International DAM!"
15. Clorox pens are a moms best friend
One evening I went in to my bathroom to run a bath for him, to my horror when I walked into my bathroom there was red drawings all over my white tile and white grout. The grout of course made perfect straight lines for him and he was so excited. I thought my entire tub tile area was ruined. It wasn't one of his washable markers, he'd gotten ahold of one of my red sharpie bold permanent markers. In the end thankfully clorox bleach pens were my best friend as they actually got all that red out.
-Melissa A. Hanson