Why I will never find rape jokes hilarious

I was only six years old. He was 21, our neighbor down the road and my babysitter. All I remember from that night is suffocating in the bathtub and being too terrified to scream. He was drunk. Following nights I had several hallucinations and night terrors. I couldn’t sleep normally anymore. I dreamed of hell - thought I was being punished by someone and woke up in the middle of the night clawing my face and ripping my hair. Paranoia Schizophrenia was developed first, then Trichotillomania. I was terrified whether or not he was still there all the time or think he would show up again. That all of it would happen all over again at any moment. I was too traumatized to sleep peacefully anymore. Ever since, I’d stare deeply at cliffs and tremble. I had chronic impulses to jump off. I was fighting with the idea of committing suicide since I was 8 years old. Since that day - I would avoid showers for several days - even months on end if I could get away with it. I never looked at- and I could never acknowledge-or take care of that part of myself for years. I’ve seen over eight professional therapist in my lifetime and it’s not a practice that works or heals me or ever will. I don’t mind talking about it over and over again. It’s just nothing can ever undo what happened or the pain im always in. I probably got sick and tired of beliving these adults who have absolutely no idea, no personal experience, what its like- could ever help me. I could find the same basic level of listening, healing and support from my friends -or people i’m actually close to and established that level of trust. It always happens again - no matter how much you try to guard yourself. You are afterall an easy target. You either gain or you loose a serious amount of weight. You stop taking care of yourself and have the most warped self esteem. It was middle school. I was 13 - there were four boys who wanted to meet up after school. I was pinned down. The staff had found used condoms. They pled me to - but I was too terrified for the students getting in trouble and so full of guilt that I couldn’t speak out against them. I was sure no one would believe me anyway. I was new- from another state and had no friends. Who would care anyway? I was so scared whenever I saw or heard a group guys near me. I used to tremble and subciosiously pee myself. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I stopped doing this. The endless amount of bullying and social isolation I faced throughout school had brought on panic attacks - which eventually developed into agoraphobia. Since then I- and no one else was ever able to insert tampons or anything in - because of all the tissue damage, dry blood, and clotting that developed. At the age of 22 I was diagnosed with a Imperformate hymen. I need surgery to cut and remove my hymen and inner uterus. This is the only way I can ever create a family for myself one day. (What I live and breathe for doing) The purity ring I had bought for myself at 16 was a complete front. I didn’t like thinking I was tainted and unlovable. While the truth of the matter was I was dirty. I could never be pure. But still - I wanted to believe so badly- even though It was a delusion- that I was still dating and marriage material. My personal surivial tactic I had was conjuring several imaginary childhood friends in my head. They would encourage me- I could laugh and smile about the scenarios we had in my head. I was never mentally lonely. That was how I was still alive. Others I had met who suffered through foster care - knew my exact feelings of neglect, embarrassment, shame, isolation, deprivation, and the inability to trust or to relate to anyone of any age. I cant tell you how many times I held on to sleeping pills after coming home from school. I cant tell you how many times had stabbed myself from being alone in my thoughts. I cant tell you how many times I screamed this is the night im going to hang myself-called a lying attention whore- and ended up in the hospital on mental watch. I need the rape jokes to stop. I can never find it funny. I can never understand why it’s funny. It will never stop tormenting me. It’s a miracle in itself I have never developed or died from an std in itself from all this. The fact that our society is okay with the number one most sought for and desired porn is “Barely legal” scares me. I don’t want what happened to me as a child and growing up to ever happen again to anyone else. We need to end the thought that it’s acceptable to be sexually aroused by any shape or form - children and all others who are under the legal age of 18. I don’t believe that rape is something that can be prevented. It’s something that should be ended. Unthinkable and I- along with millions of others of all ages- won’t stop suffering from post traumatic stress disorder in daily living until it does.