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PSA: That Famous “Love Actually” Scene Is Actually The Fucking Worst

Who the fuck is Carol Singers anyway?

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And you're definitely aware of that ~famous~ scene where Mark admits the worst-kept secret in the history of ever: his love for Juliet.

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Starting at the beginning during JULIET'S WEDDING to MARK'S BEST FRIEND PETER, Mark decides to upstage the whole event with a flashmob of "All You Need Is Love".


Putting aside my personal fears of ever being in range of a flash mob, this is a fine thing to do for friends. But remember, Mark arranged this to occur at the ~wedding~ of Peter and Juliet.


The next time Mark and Juliet interact, things take a turn: Mark shows Juliet the footage he took of her during the wedding. It's all VERY CLOSE SHOTS of her face.


This begs the question: DA FUQ WAS HE PLANNING TO DO WITH THAT VIDEO? Are we to believe Mark wanted to sit at home and jerk it to his best friend's WEDDING VIDEO??? YUCK AND WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!

Which brings us to the night in question. First we see the happily married couple / stalking victims enjoying their lives together as a happily married couple.


But alas! Their delightful evening of sitting on the ugliest couch in the world is rudely interrupted. Who could it be?


Mark continues, "without hope or agenda".

But that's obviously not true, is it? Because a "romantic" gesture on this level comes LOADED with agenda. If Mark didn't have an agenda he wouldn't have spent so long making this IRL PowerPoint presentation.

He then reveals one of the most ridiculous things of the entire "speech".

When the FUCK has Christmas been about honesty? If anything, Christmas is about deceiving children into thinking a reverse-thief is breaking into your house to leave presents for you. OR it's about telling your relatives that yes, Aunt Helen, you ARE happy being single at almost 30, thank you for asking. Christmas has never been about truth-telling, Mark, you double liar!!


Which brings us to the most recognised moment of the entire scene:


Here's the thing: This ~incredibly romantic sentiment~ comes positively dripping in implications. "To me, you are perfect." Is he implying that to Peter – HIS BEST FRIEND – she is not? Audiences swooning over this dramatic display of affection forget one thing: HE WAS LITERALLY STANDING AT JULIET'S WEDDING A MEASLY FEW WEEKS AGO!

Mark continues, ~without agenda~.

Now, based on the evidence we have collected: Mark is probably jerkin' it to his weird wedding video close-ups he has sitting on his shelf. Therefore we can probably assume he's definitely jerkin' it to that picture of a mummy. His house is some demented masturbatorium, wallpapered with photos of fossilised remains and extreme close-ups of Keira Knightley, where he probably parades around, Norman Bates-style, demanding people call him Carol Singers. This is not romantic behaviour.


Juliet's final reaction is to give Mark a friendly peck.


This, I believe, is to put an end to Mark's wildly unpredictable actions. Otherwise, what next? He'd show up, without hope or agenda, at Juliet's mother's birthday luncheon in a large comedy cake? Show up to her next gynaecological appointment dressed as Patch Adams??? No thanks, Mark, you weirdo.

To which, Mark FINALLY reflects on his actions:


It was enough when you were outed as having the world's creepiest wedding video, Mark. It was enough when you told Juliet you didn't want any banoffee pie, Mark. It was enough LONG BEFORE you spent hours buying placards, finding a boombox, and going to all this trouble. It was enough.