Here's What Happened In Episode 9 Of "The Bachelor" Australia In 90 Seconds Or Less

    Shockingly it didn't go great for the brunettes.

    Mat Whitehead
    by Mat Whitehead

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Didn't catch Episode 9 of The Bachelor Australia? No worries, it'll only take us 90 seconds to fill you in on what you missed.

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    START YOUR WATCHES!!!

    The Single Date:

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    Intruder Steph got the single date. Noni asked, "what do I have to do to get a single date around here?" The answer to that is be blonder. The single date was jet skiing. It was so boring.

    Literally nothing happened so here's some quotes from Richie:

    "Steph loves anything with an engine."

    "What's a dealbreaker for you?"

    "Cheers, yeah, fantastic, ha ha ha, awesome."

    *a low humming noise while Steph plugged him in to recharge his batteries*.

    Steph got a rose because RICHIE LITERALLY CAN'T STOP GIVING THEM AWAY.

    The Group Date:

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    EVERYONE was invited to the group date today to compete in a "Bachelor Compatibility Test", or a "Reverse Bechtel Test" if you will.

    Test one had the women answer several questions like "Are you a spender or a saver?", "Are you a cat or a dog person?", "Where would you hide a body, you know... hypothetically?" That kind of thing. If their answers matched Richie they could step forward to get closer to him. Rachael called Steph a bogan which is like me calling my glass "full of gin". AKA it was fuckin' hypocritical.

    Test two was a "touch test", the women weren't allowed to say anything, only physically assault Richie. The women who didn't make it past test one had to watch on a monitor in the house. As A Mum Alex made everyone very anxious when she made sex-eyes at a blindfolded Richie. Nikki was upset because apparently Richie and her have a connection which WE'VE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN?

    Test three, between Gotta Have Faith and As A Mum Alex, had Richie blindfolded in a golf cart, driving the women to complete various errands. Faith continues to be a brilliant human, deserving of far better than this season of The Bachelor. She won most compatible and got some alone time with Richie. They got some free gelato which Richie called "ice cream" several times.

    The Cocktail Party:

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    Not only did we have to endure the 800th conversation about As A Mum Alex's white rose, but when Richie whipped it out for her (the rose, you pervert) we then had to listen to her talk about being a mum. She's a mum btw.

    Rach apparently took Alex aside to tell her that Richie had already decided Nikki was the winner which, if you think about it, is honestly a really depressing thought for EVERYONE INVOLVED? Nikki was really sweet to Alex, which is probably why Richie picked her as the winner.

    The Rose Ceremony:

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    Osher entered and said, "It's been quite an interesting week!" And everyone watching at home was like "... Really?" He then told the women that TWO of them would be leaving tonight. "Sorry, I was refilling my gin, what did you say?" Everyone at home probably said.

    Noni and Kahlia didn't receive roses because THEY'RE BRUNETTES. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT??