Posted on 28 Oct 2014

7 Bitching Recipes From The “Baking Bad” Cookbook

Time to get cooking.

by Matthew Tucker

BuzzFeed Picture Editor, UK

Here are three recipes to get you high on sugar:

INGREDIENTS

For the gingerbread:
12oz/350g all-purpose flour
2 tsp (10ml) baking powder
2 tsp (10ml) ground ginger (or more to taste)
4oz/100g cold butter
6oz/150g light brown soft sugar
3 tbsp (45ml) golden syrup
1 medium egg
A little flour for dusting

To decorate:
White fondant icing, black fondant icing
1 medium egg white
1lb/500g confectioners' sugar, sifted. 'THIS (dramatic pause) is not meth'
Green food gel colour
You will need a gingerbread man cutter

DOSAGE: 6 people

DIRECTIONS

'We need to cook...'...

1. Take off your good clothes. You can't go home smelling like a bakery

2. Preheat the oven to 400F/200C/185C fan assisted/ gas mark 6. Grease 2 baking trays or line with baking paper

3. Put the flour, baking powder and ginger into a bowl and mix well. Cut the butter into the mixture in small pieces and rub into the flour mix with your fingertips until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs

4. Add the sugar, syrup and egg and mix to form a dough. Put into a plastic bag and chill for half an hour

5. Double check you haven't left your keys in the RV. You don't want to know what a pain in the ass that would be

6. Roll out the dough on a surface lightly dusted with flour. Cut out gingerbread men with the cutter and place them on the tray. Bake for 10–12 minutes or until beginning to brown around the edges. Transfer to a rack to cool and harden

7. Roll out the black and the white fondant icings on a surface lightly dusted with confectioners' sugar and cut out shapes for the gas masks and the Y-fronts

8. Put the egg white in a bowl and whisk lightly with a fork. Add the confectioners' sugar little by little, beating with a wooden spoon until the texture is of a piping consistency. Divide into three

9. Stick the white Y-fronts onto the men with a little water. Fill a small piping bag with plain writing nozzle with white piping icing and pipe on Y-front details

10. Colour a second amount of icing pale green and pipe outlines of the shirt. Allow to dry. Add a few drops of water to the pale green icing to give a runny consistency and carefully spoon into the outline of the shirt, teasing it into the corners with a small brush. Allow to dry

11. Colour the remaining icing dark green and pipe details onto the shirt. Stick the gas mask pieces to the head with a little water

12. Take a 45 in hand and stand, ready to take on whatever comes over that hill

INGREDIENTS
Plastic. Always plastic
10oz/275g white chocolate drops (or bars, broken in small pieces)
10oz/270g package strawberry-flavoured Jell-O
Bag of body part sweets
Small amount white fondant icing
You will need a loaf-shaped silicone mould

DOSAGE: 8 people

DIRECTIONS

1. Draw lots to decide who's going to do this

2. Melt the chocolate very slowly in a bowl over a pan of simmering water, being careful not to let it get too hot (white chocolate can 'seize' very easily)

3. With a pastry brush, apply a thin layer of chocolate all over the inside of the silicone mould. Chill for 10 minutes or so until set

4. Repeat with a second layer of chocolate; chill and repeat again as necessary until you have a solid wall of chocolate

5. Chill for at least an hour, then carefully peel away the silicone mould and remove the chocolate bath

6. Prepare the Jell-O as per the packet instructions. Chill until cold but not set, then pour carefully into the chocolate bath

7. Mould a faucet from the fondant icing and use a little melted chocolate to stick it to the edge of the bath. Add the body part sweets. Place on a large dish and break open to serve

8. Enjoy upstairs, downstairs, or both

INGREDIENTS

For the cupcakes:
4oz/100g soft butter
4oz/100g superfine sugar
2 medium eggs, lightly beaten (no-one ever made it in this business
without taking a little beating)
4oz/100g self-rising flour
Blue gel food colour
1-2 tbsp (15-30ml) milk

For the buttercream frosting:
5oz/125g soft butter
10oz/250g confectioners' sugar
1-2 tbsp (15-30ml) milk
Yellow gel food colour

DOSAGE: 4 people

DIRECTIONS

1. Find yourself a suitable cooking area: an RV, laundromat super-lab, or fake pest control business, depending on what stage of the plotline you're at

2. Preheat the oven to 350F/180C/165C fan assisted/gas mark 4. Line a 12-hole muffin pan with paper cups

3. Put all the cake ingredients except the colour and milk into a large bowl and beat with a handheld electric mixer or wooden spoon until light and fluffy

4. Add blue colour little by little until the mix is a strong blue. Add enough milk to give a 'dropping' consistency

5. Divide the mix into the paper cups

6. Bake for 10-15 minutes, or until well risen, golden brown and firm to the touch. Allow to cool for a couple of minutes, then transfer the cupcakes to a wire rack to cool completely

7. To make the buttercream frosting: beat the butter in a large bowl until soft. Gently add half the confectioners' sugar and beat until smooth

8. Add the remaining confectioners' sugar with a little milk, adding more as necessary to make a light fluffy icing

9. Add the yellow food colouring little by little and mix until well combined

10. Spoon the icing into a piping bag fitted with a large star nozzle and pipe swirls onto the cupcakes

11. Add shards of blue meth crunch to complete the look