1. What is the perfect bag for your trip? Any bag you can find!
Soft-shell duffel? Hard-top suitcase? A bunch of plastic grocery bags? It doesn't matter! There is a robot attacking the city! We thought maybe it was peaceful at first, but it just blew up a city bus! Grab any bag you can find and claim it as yours!
2. Don’t Fold or Roll Your Clothes—Just Throw Them Into Your Bag!
Rolling your clothes is a great way to avoid wrinkles, but do you really want to die making sure your polo shirt doesn't have any hard creases? I don't! I recommend using both hands when you're packing to make sure that you really cram as much as possible in there. Don't be gentle! Just cram!
3. Do You Have Anything That Is Wrinkle-Resistant or More Importantly, Fireproof?
Cotton fabrics will wrinkle easily when packed and also they will ignite like a goddamn firecracker. That robot has a weaponized flamethrower and all of the people wearing breezy cotton just got charred. What do you have that is fireproof? THINK, GODDAMN IT! THINK!
4. How Dressy Will Your Escape Helicopter Be?
Helicopter pilots are notoriously casual people especially in a situation of a giant robot attacking a city. A good rule of thumb about planning your attire for an escape helicopter is that nobody does that. One thing is definitely true. We need to get to the roof right now because the robot is coming this way!
5. A Helpful Tip For Packing Liquids: Leave Them!
You don't need your liquids! Hairspray, lotion, mouthwash. Leave all of it! We have to go!
6. Nothing Says Fun Like Canned Goods!
You know what will really be a delight to have on this trip? Food! Pack anything that is non-perishable. Remember: Nobody is gluten-free when a giant robot is attacking!
7. Choose A Simple Color Scheme—The Robot Is Attracted To Busy Patterns
That robot just intentionally stepped on a man wearing plaid on plaid! The robot looked down, shook his head disapprovingly, and then stepped on him for clashing. Get rid of your patterns! Just basics!
8. Do They Have Towels Where You’re Going? No! There Are Robots There Too!
I thought maybe we could escape to a place that had towels, but I just saw the news: we aren't the only city with a giant robot attacking. They are everywhere.
9. Sharing A Bag Screams, “We’re In This Together!” So You Don’t Have To!
We don't survive without each other, do you understand? You need me. I need you. No matter what happens, we stick together. I know this is a confusing time for me to say this, but I love you. I never have had good timing.
10. Take Advantage of Pockets For Your Flare Gun…You Have A Flare Gun, Right?
Oh my god, the helicopter is leaving. I gave you a flare gun to stow away. Where is it? Get it! Get it right now! That's why I told you to keep it in an easily accessible pocket! It's too late. They left us here. God save us.
11. Wrap Your Keepsakes In A Thick Sweater. Life Will Never Be The Same.
The robot is right outside. Wrap that picture of your family up in a chunky sweater and hold it close to you. Think of your loved ones. If we somehow manage to survive this, you'll want something to remind you of the way things used to be. After today, everything is different.
12. Grab That Light Scarf—And HANG ON TIGHT!
A light scarf is a stylish way to accessorize any OH MY GOD HERE IT COMES! TOSS ME THE SCARF! HANG ON! I WON'T DROP YOU! I PROMISE YOU! I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!
13. Things Are Just Things—Now I See What Is Really Important
As we dangle here, everything is clear. All of these materials are meaningless. You are the only thing that was important. If I could go back and do it again, I would hold you and never stop holding you. And also, I probably wouldn't have wasted so much time getting packed when I saw a robot attacking the city. I LOVE YOU. WE ARE ABOUT TO DIE AND I WANT THE LAST THING YOU HEAR TO BE—
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