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    Sleepless In Austin: $1,500 Finders Fee If You Find This Man A Girlfriend

    Do you long for long walks on the beach discussing Alex Jones and a mutual disgust for homosexuals? Ladies, I've found your man.

    Ladies, Meet Larry.

    The Basics

    Larry Busby, a 39 year-old wedding photographer, is single and interested in finding the woman of his dreams. We will get to the semantics of that woman in a moment; however, if you are this woman, I would totally be willing to split the fee with you. Think about it: having dinner and calling everyone "sheeple", mentioning Bohemian Grove on your first date and his eyes magically lighting up, or that special moment when you both say "FEMA camps" at the same time as your eyes meet.

    I'm at half-mast just thinking about it. Let's see the type of woman Larry is looking to bag.

    The not-crazy part

    Departure from Reality's Gate

    Liftoff

    "This is your Captain Speaking..."

    "Ladies and gentlemen, we've turned off the fasten seat belt sign..."

    "...you may now move about the cabin freely..."

    For the Ladies

    Now that we've established what sort of person Larry is -- let's see what sort of lady Larry longs to like.

    Fatties need not apply.

    No black people, please (or nearsighted people).

    No Prison Tattoos

    Don't dress like a slut -- but a mini and boots are A-OK.

    Baby-loose vayjays need not apply.

    But I'm totally not racist.

    Please again remember my lack of racism, thanks.

    He also plays guitar in between ranting about blacks.

    View this video on YouTube

    If this doesn't get your sensible non-slut knickers in a knot then I don't know what will.