America, hi hi hi! You may have noticed during the shitstorm that was Brexit that England suffered another humiliating exit from Europe when they lost to Iceland at the Euro 2016 football tournament.
Iceland won 2–1 in a last-16 match and, kids, I've got to tell you that England were favourites.
The loss did give us one of the classic moments of live sports coverage, however.
Steve McClaren tempting fate on Sky Sports news
It was one of those rare moments when the nation came together as one, in shared humiliation, as a country with a population of 323,000 defeated one of 53 million.
The loss came days after the EU referendum result, and even supermarkets were piling on to take the piss.
Unexpected result in the bagging area...
Weird international market reaction during #ENGICE.
Quick shout-out to Wales who actually did really well at the Euros and made the semi-finals.
England losing to Iceland led to the swift resignation of team manager Roy Hodgson.
Hodgson triggers Article 50.
Hodgson fell on his sword just moments after the final whistle when he realised it was impractical for him to carry on in the face of such a humiliating defeat.
At a press conference the following day Hodgson said: “I don’t really know what I am doing here."
LOOK HOW SAD HE LOOKS
Anyway, with Hodgson gone, the English Football Association needed to find someone to replace him. Some big names were said to be in the running, including Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and USMNT's Jurgen Klinsmann.
But the Football Association, or FA for short, apparently wanted an English manager to take charge of the national team, after ~experiments~ with foreign coaches didn't go quite as well as hoped.
Sweden's Sven-Goran Eriksson got England to the quarter-finals at three successive major international tournaments but was expected to do better with a talented pool of players at his disposal.
His successor Steve McClaren (who you'll remember from the cringe Sky Sports video above) fared much worse, despite being English, failing to qualify for Euro 2008 and being sacked.
McClaren's biggest crime however was to dare to keep himself dry while watching England crash out to Croatia at Wembley.
The FA turned to Italian Fabio Capello after that, but despite a massive reputation and technically the best-ever win percentage of any England coach (66.7%), he presided over a hugely disappointing second-round exit at the 2010 World Cup and quit shortly before Euro 2012.
Enter Hodgson, and his record of just three tournament wins in 11 games.
Today, almost a month after the Iceland defeat, the FA officially confirmed his replacement as Sam "Big Sam" Allardyce.
📰 The @FA appoints @OfficialBigSam as new #ThreeLions manager on an initial two-year deal: https://t.co/Cej8KjmH5s
Yes, that is his official nickname and, yes, also the title of his autobiography.
The Premier League, the third richest sports league in the world behind only the NFL and MLB, has only a handful of English managers in charge of clubs, making the choice a bit easier for the FA.
Big Sam is a ~controversial choice~ – he's never won a major trophy as a manager and is more known for getting teams punching above their weight and keeping them in the Premier League.
If Sam Allardyce becomes England manager, that's it...I'll support Wales
He's also never managed a "big four" club – something he once explained by saying "because I’m not called Allardici, just Allardyce".
"Have you really appointed Sam Allardyce as the England manager? That's a worse decision than Brexit."
Fairly or unfairly, Allardyce is strongly associated with direct long-ball or route-one tactics.
Goalkeeper Paul Robinson scores from his own box!
Which isn't always pretty, but can be effective.
He once said this about the tiki-taka style of football – a system based on short passes on movement employed to hugely successful effect by FC Barcelona and the Spanish national team.
Sam Allardyce to be named #EnglandManager? None of that 'tippy-tappy' stuff for England then! #BigSam
Allardyce also kind of resembles the character played by actor Ricky Tomlinson in Mike Bassett: England Manager, a comedy about a hapless football manager promoted out of his depth to the top role in English football.
Something that hasn't escaped whoever made this edit on the film's Wikipedia page.
But here's what you need to know about Big Sam, apart from the fact he once had to eat sheep's testicles after losing a bet with his players.
For one thing, he's extremely viral.
When you're in the chippy deciding what to have.
He enjoys a bit of a rave.
'My mates DJing in Marbella' the greatest text anyone could ever receive courtesy of @JakeyYDG
And once laughed uncontrollably at an opposition player who he thought had dived to get a decision.
View this video on YouTube
Funnily enough, he could actually claim to have won something for England, even though it was just a charity match for Soccer Aid against a rest of the world XI.
He also has a reputation for getting the best out of players. Just like whatever is happening to One Direction's Niall Horan here.
And he got very excited when a journalist told him then Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was unhappy with him for "parking the bus" in a goalless draw with his West Ham United team.
He may never have won a major trophy, but he has experience – only four other people have managed more games in the Premier League.
So maybe...maybe Big Sam is a good thing for England? Some ex-pros think so.
Every major football nation has a homegrown manager. Think it's right for England also. Therefore, Sam Allardyce was the best choice.
Great news about big Sam , he has being way ahead of his time started all that sport science stuff at Bolton top bloke top manager
Shout-out to all the sport science stuff!
Allardyce also has the backing of Sir Alex Ferguson, who won basically everything several times over while manager of Manchester United.
"He's certainly the top Englishman," Sir Alex told Sky Sports. "You can search the world for a top manager but it was right to appoint an Englishman."
The new Manchester United manager, Mourinho, apparently burying the hatchet, said Allardyce is "more than ready".
"He is a good motivator and can create a good team spirit," Mourinho said.
I mean, it can't get any worse, right? As mentioned, despite inventing the game of football England really aren't very good at it.
Really the malaise of the England football team goes back further than Hodgson, or any of his immediate predecessors.
The team have won just six knockout games at major tournaments – World Cups or European Championships – since actually winning the World Cup in 1966, something blamed on a lucrative top division that prioritises success and big money signings ahead of nurturing home-grown talent, and a lack of investment in youth and grassroots football.
But, bizarrely, because this is England, expectations will still be super high for Allardyce ahead of the 2018 World Cup in Russia.
And if a year in which Leicester won the Premier League and Portugal the Euros has taught us anything...
Nah, jokes. English football's deep problems go beyond the remit of one man to fix.
Allardyce is the hero England deserves, but is he the one it needs right now?
Again: how could a country that's reached one final in 66 years look down its nose at Sam Allardyce? Delusions of grandeur persist.
Roll on 2018...