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29 Things Her Majesty The Queen Is Probably Thinking

Officially servin' royal realness for 60 years.

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1. "You know what? FUCK horses. I could be a horse if I wanted. I'll get down on my knees and eat this bale of hay right now. Will that make me cool? No, because fuck horses."

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2. "If I were alone right now, I would wade into those chocolate balls like a hungry swan."

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3. "See that hole over there? ... You can go fuck yourself in it."

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4. "I...I should have stopped after the second burrito, but that chipotle mayo... Fuck me."

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5. "A seventh star war? Your fat face makes me sick."

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6. "Why isn't this piece of shit working?"

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7. "When I'm alone, I like to sit on this hat and feel its tiny bristles rub softly against my bare skin."

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9. "Did I say I wanted a bear? NO. I said LION. So why don't you and your fucking parachute pants go walk off a cliff?

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10. "I would literally rather shit a softball than be in the same room as you right now, David. Literally."

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11. "I used to have a suit like that. Used to climb into it, wear it around the house, make love in it."

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12. "Wow, you made fire. Try being the fucking queen of England, huh? Ever think about doing that with your life? No? Go fuck yourself."

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13. "On a scale of one to ten, I'm an eleven, and you're an ugly-ass bitch."

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14. "You wanna fuck with me? I'll fuck right back with you, bitch. Wait til we're back inside."

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15. "I want a fucking chalupa so bad right now."

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16. "What the fuck are you even saying? Squirtle? Squirtle was your favorite Pokémon? I would spit on you, but I don't want to turn you on."

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17. "God, I smell like an outdoor sushi bar in 90-degree heat."

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18. "Pretty sure I just sharted... Yep, definitely wet."

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19. "Are you even trying? Honestly? Did you wake up this morning and think to yourself, I'm gonna half-ass being a bull today? 'Cause that's what's happening right now."

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20. "I think I made out with him last night, I don't even remember, honestly. I blacked out."

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21. "Do you know who the FUCK you're talking to?"

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22. "I just want to be in bed, lying on my back, while someone feeds me hot, steamy clumps of a taco bowl. That's all I want."

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23. "I stared a man to DEATH one time, you wanna try that shit on me again? Yeah, that's what I thought. Back down, bitch."

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24. "If you try and tell me I'm not the hottest bitch up in this place, you can back the fuck up."

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25. "The wedgie I have right now is so bad, I can feel my pulse between my ass."

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26. "God, every time I look at him I wish I were a lesbian."

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27. "Oh my god, how many can they fit in that tiny hole?"

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28. *"Ass & Titties" playing in the background*

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29. "If you don't think being queen of fucking England is tight as shit, then get the fuck out of my face."

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