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    Aug 4, 2015

    Here's What Happens When I, A Grown Man Of Sound Mind, Attend A One Direction Concert At 7 A.M.

    One Direction went on Good Morning America and I got up at 3:30 a.m. to see them. Because Harry Styles' thighs aren't gonna ogle themselves.

    Hi. I'm Matt. I'm 25 years old, a working professional, and by all accounts, a fully grown, functioning adult man. Also I happen to love the British man-band One Direction.

    To put my love into perspective, if I had children, I would willingly and gladly sacrifice my eldest and strongest for the chance to sit on One Direction's collective lap for only 10 seconds. (I'd give all my imaginary kids away for a full 60 seconds. And I'd sell the additional rights to my future imaginary children for a minute and a half of lap contact. One Direction, if you're reading this, I have the paperwork drawn up.)

    This is an artist's rendering of my bed, where I am usually cosily curled, dreaming deeply of a Harry Styles clothed in a bedazzled sugar plum gown, prancing about to a fairylike tune, tossing glitter about a field of daisies.*

    Fuse / Thinkstock

    *Fanciful dream Harry unfortunately not pictured.

    But on this day, I was NOT in my bed. Instead, I'd awoken at THREE THIRTY IN THE MORNING to travel by train to New York's Central Park for a 7 a.m. Good Morning America concert, where I would see my glistening children in person.

    What follows are my thoughts on my real-life encounter with the glory and goodness that is One Direction.

    First, they arose from the misty darkness of that backstage-area place where they wrangle them at Good Morning America.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    I don't really know what happens backstage in that misty darkness, but I imagine it's glorious, because they emerge looking like this. Not children, but fully grown, manly British men, developed like fine whiskey for over two decades, forming the beautiful, shimmering, mature creatures you see before you here.

    It should be noted that no humans conceived of the natural world should look this delicately precious at 7 a.m.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Then they posed with this sign thing and yes, it was very tempting to make a 1 Dong joke. HA HA, very funny. Dong like the body sausage. We get it. But you can't even make that joke. Cause their pants are too tight.

    And then Niall whipped out his guitar — which I have affectionately named Finnian O'Finnegan The Guitar — and lo, the music that befell us was magical.

    Also of particular note: Niall's lightning-colored hair, each strand of his curious chest follicles, and of course, those smooth Irish arms, which have grown quite bulky in recent days — don't think I haven't noticed.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    And, obviously, Niall's beautiful blouse, which, if I had to guess, is from Madewell's as-yet-unreleased autumn collection. Note the dangly fringe, which I would gladly run my fingers along, upon Niall's invitation.

    ABC/Fred Lee

    Then, of course, there was Louis's hair, perfectly coifed like a crown atop his royal head.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Also he made this face a lot, and I enjoyed it every time, because I was like, "That's me. That's a face I would make. I'm making that face right now."

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Then Niall and Louis sang about being aroused. Because "No Control" is about being aroused and that's what they sang. They sang about waking up in a sexy mood to a crowd of teenage girls. And I lived for it.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Then there was Liam, who tried to work this hat, and I'll admit, it worked.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Liam is once again approaching David Beckham levels of "daaaaamn," and for that, I commend him greatly and wish him well.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Also he lifted up his hands like this and you almost got to see his abs. Which is always fun and exciting and something new.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Also he laughed. And even though I couldn't hear it, because everybody around me was too loud, I imagine it sounded like one of those toy dolls that you pull and it makes a cute little giggle and then you feed it cherries or something. Just like that.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Then there is Harold.* The Queen Himself. The Royal Cherub. The Crowning Flower. The Curly Princess.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    *Note: His name is not actually Harold. It's Harry. But it's a fun thing I like to call him because he is my child.

    He emerged, as always, with a look that says "I know this jacket is ridiculous. I know my pants are too tight. I know my hair is blowing wildly in the wind. But I don't give a single tea or biscuit." (Or something like that 'cause he's British, remember.)

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    And lo, did he growl and scream. And it was mighty and great.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Seriously, I saw deeper into his mouth and soul than I ever thought possible.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    I saw our hopes and dreams, tied together as one. I saw a house in London and a beach mansion in L.A. and a loft that we sometimes visit in New York, but mostly we're beach people, ya know. Plus, that's what our kids like.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    I saw the sun. And it was bright and piercing.

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    Also this is what everything looked like from behind. I'm not telling you where to look, I'm just giving you the option.

    ABC/Fred Lee

    Finally, as our beautiful morning moment together came to a close, with Harold lost deep in thought, we all sat together in contemplation of the sights we'd encountered on this day.

    ABC/Fred Lee

    Four beautiful British/Irish gentlemen lined up, sparkling like dew in the morning sun.

    ABC/Fred Lee

    Also this happened.

    ABC/Fred Lee

    You can watch their interview with Good Morning America below, and check out some of their GMA performances here.

    The end.

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