1. It all began on September 7, 2000, the Year Of Our Lord Beysus Christ, when Beyoncé Giselle Knowles arrived at the MTV Video Music Awards for the very first time prepared to change the very course of history.
2. She glided onto the ride carpet in the latest Tina Knowles bedazzled garbage bag ensemble, serving grace and perfection.
3. This was Her show. This was Her stage. This was Her VMAs.
4. Fast forward to 2001. She appears as a glamorous traffic cone dreamcatcher, serving smiles and flawlessness.
5. Even in silence, she remains in control. This is only the beginning, she thinks. This is only the beginning…
6. It’s 2003. She arrives on the red carpet for her solo VMA debut, her sideboob glowing, her earrings dazzling, her hair flowing.
7. She is a source of light, a glimmer of hope, a glittery ball of perfection.
8. She ascends to the stage and accepts her third VMA like, “Well, I’d like to thank myself for being flawless.”
9. And then she’s like, “I’m just playin’ y’all… but barely.”
10. And then she sauntered away like, “I’m about to SHOW y’all.”
11. Then… mere seconds later… WARDROBE CHANGE. She’s floating from the sky, like a beautiful harem-pant-wearing angel sent by God Herself.
12. She is shimmying, waving, twisting above the crowds below as the opening notes of “Baby Boy” rise around her.
13. No other human in the history of the Video Music Awards has descended from above, upside-down, looking so flaw free.
14. She lands on a couch and all these men in black tights are like, “OH MY GOD, IT’S BEYONCÉ.” Nobody knows what’s going on. Not even Beyoncé.
15. Except she looks flaw free doing whatever it is.
16. She rises and her hips begin to twirl. Her hair has grown three sizes.
17. Her stank face is strong. Stronger than it’s ever been.
18. She stares out into the crowd. “Are you ready,” she thinks, “TO. BE. ENTERTAAAAAAAINED?!”
19. She gets a glittery bottle of water mid-performance. Someone rips off her pants and slaps a fur boa in her hands. At this point, she doesn’t even know what’s happening. But it’s all perfect.
20. Then BOOM. We have a full-on, golden Thickyoncé, thighs blazing, hair flying, strutting across the stage. SERVING. YOU. LIFE.
21. And then Jay-Z walks out to “Crazy In Love” and Beyoncé is like, “I’m about to give this man his LIFE.”
22. *GIVING HIM LIFE*
23. *ACTUAL TRANSFERENCE OF LIFE LEAVING BEYONCÉ’S BODY AND KEEPING JAY Z FROM FALLING TO THE GROUND LIKE A LIMP PANCAKE*
24. Then she looks out at the crowd like, “Y’all see what I just did? This man is alive because of ME.”
25. Then she replaces Jay with a crowd of flawless women.
26. The feminist Spirit takes her. They rise up, collectively crazy in love.
27. They are fueling her. She is growing stronger.
28. She drops to her knees, barely human. She’s grown to something more. Something greater.
29. “I. AM. BEYONCÉ!!!!!!”
30. Fast forward to 2004. The world has had exactly one year to recover from Her last performance. Golden Thickyoncé and her cleavage have returned. Her hair is bigger than ever.
31. Jay Z is wearing a matching outfit to pay his respects to the One True VMA Queen.
32. It’s a quiet year. Bey and Jay are like, “We’re gonna give y’all the year off. I don’t think y’all are ready for this again.”
33. Except she got up on that stage and snatched another award anyway.
34. Another year passes. It’s 2005 and Destiny’s Child is back for some reason. Beyoncé is not in the center and she is NOT happy about it.
35. “I’m smiling, but I’m about to whoop somebody’s ass if they don’t put me in the goddamn middle.”
36. “I still look cute tho.”
37. Another year passes. It’s 2006. Solo Beyoncé is back and happier than ever.
38. “Y’all see this,” she says through her teeth. “Y’all see what you were missing last year? SOLO. BEYONCÉ.”
39. “I’mma smile for you, but I’m still mad they made me stand on the side.”
40. Then she snatched another award with Slim Thug for “Check On It”…
41. Even though she had to accept it from Jack Black wearing a golden glittery suit.
42. And she was like, “You know what? I guess we alright.”
43. Then… seconds later… WARDROBE CHANGE AGAIN. She’s descending from the sky. Inmate 9481 escaped. “Ring The Alarm” is blaring. She is gliding from the skies, serving fugitive realness.
44. She lands and twirls, whipping every single one of your faves right in the face.
45. “Y’all wish you was as free as this,” she shouts. “Y’ALL. WISH.”
46. She’s fighting off ten grown men all by herself.
47. “Y’ALL LUCKY YOU EVEN GET TO TOUCH BEYONCÉ.”
48. “Y’ALL THINK YOU CAN STOP BEASTYONCÉ?!”
49. Then she gets in her Beyoncé mobile and prepares to ride the fuck out.
50. Except she’s like, “You know what? I ain’t finished yet.”
51. She spins out of her trench coat…
52. And starts screaming in nothing but this flawless outfit.
53. “TRY ME ONE MORE TIME, MTV.”
54. *MTV FAILS TO TRY HER ONE MORE TIME*
55. “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.” Then she dips to the ground and the entire stage shakes beneath her. The lights go out, and she disappears in smoke.
56. It’s 2007. Beyoncé has given the world another year to recover. Her hair is smaller, but she’s still looking flawless.
57. She glides out onto the red carpet with Solange like, “Anybody talk shit about my sister and I’ll whoop your ass.”
58. And everybody’s like, “No thanks, Beyoncé, we don’t want no trouble. Here, have another award.”
59. And Beyoncé’s like, “This is so crazy. Thank y’all so much.”
60. Then Beyoncé gives everybody another two years to recover. Fast forward to 2009.
61. It is the Year Of Single Ladies and Beyoncé looks good, she feels good, and she’s about to TURN. SHIT. OUT.
62. And then BOOM. The world changed. Kanye gets on stage, snatches the mic from Taylor Swift and says the thing EVERYONE WAS THINKING ALL ALONG: “TAYLOR. I’MMA LET YOU FINISH. BUT BEYONCÉ HAD THE GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO. OF. ALL. TIME.”
63. And Beyoncé was sitting in the audience like, “Oh, Kanye.” Except actually she was like, “You know what Kanye? You right.”
64. Except later in the night she got her award anyway, cause that’s what this awards show is about.
65. But being the kind, generous, heavenly spirit that She is, she agreed to give her speech time to the lowly spirit of Taylor Swift.
66. Except she stood in the background the whole time thinking, “Kanye was right, not gonna like Taylor, the man said the truth.”
67. And then she laughed, and we laughed, and the world laughed, and Taylor kept talking.
68. And then… seconds later… ANOTHER WARDROBE CHANGE. Beyoncé walks out in her “Single Ladies” number like, “I’m ready to PROVE to y’all why that award was mine.”
69. “Y’all can go ahead and just sit back and relax, ‘cause I’m about to teach y’all a lesson.”
70. “Go on now. Y’all sit back.”
71. And then BOOM. SINGLE LADY BEASTYONCÉ COMES TO LIFE.
72. She’s like, “I’m gonna TEACH Y’ALL HOW TO SNATCH YOURSELF A MAN.”
73. Then she waved her own ringed finger at everybody like, “This shit worked for me.”
74. Standing there like, “Y’all better WORK to get you some.”
75. Then she was like, “NOW. WAIT.”
76. Then she hit ‘em with some UH OH OHs.
77. Then she shut that stage down.
78. Fast forward to 2011, the Year of 4. Beyoncé glides onto stage in a snazzy purple jacket, prepared to put your love/our love/the world’s love ON TOP.
79. She gets close to the crowd like, “Y’all can feel the air around my hand. Go ahead.”
80. And then she literally shakes beneath her while she screams every single note.
81. She gets stronger with every key change, making you feel the love growing inside of her with every note.
82. “I WANT Y’ALL TO FEEL THE LOVE GROWIN’ INSIDE OF ME,” she shouts.
83. *FEELS THE LOVE GROWING INSIDE OF HER*
84. *LOVE FEELING REACHES MAXIMUM*
85. And then she’s like, “Y’all ready for this shit?” … *FLIPS HAIR* *DROPS MIC*
86. And she whips open her purple blazer and reveals to the world the Chosen One.
87. And then she’s like, “I’M OUT. Y’ALL HAVE HAD ENOUGH.”
88. Except we HAVEN’T had enough, ‘cause she comes out ONE MORE TIME like, “Y’all think I was just gonna leave without walking out in this flawless orange blanket?”
89. And then she stood around looking absolutely flaw free.
90. Cradling the womb that would give us her heir.
91. Rubbing the stomach that would produce the next great VMA history maker.
92. Protecting the world from the great danger that was Nicki Minaj in 2011.
93. And then Beyoncé pushed back Her hair and said aloud, “Y’all don’t even know what the VMAs would be without me.”
94. “Y’all ain’t even ready for what’s gonna come next…”
- And no, people aren't drilling headphone jacks into their new iPhone 7's 📱❌