1.It all began on September 7, 2000, the Year Of Our Lord Beysus Christ, when Beyoncé Giselle Knowles arrived at the MTV Video Music Awards for the very first time prepared to change the very course of history.
2.She glided onto the ride carpet in the latest Tina Knowles bedazzled garbage bag ensemble, serving grace and perfection.
3.This was Her show. This was Her stage. This was Her VMAs.
4.Fast forward to 2001. She appears as a glamorous traffic cone dreamcatcher, serving smiles and flawlessness.
5.Even in silence, she remains in control. This is only the beginning, she thinks. This is only the beginning...
6.It's 2003. She arrives on the red carpet for her solo VMA debut, her sideboob glowing, her earrings dazzling, her hair flowing.
7.She is a source of light, a glimmer of hope, a glittery ball of perfection.
8.She ascends to the stage and accepts her third VMA like, "Well, I'd like to thank myself for being flawless."
9.And then she's like, "I'm just playin' y'all... but barely."
10.And then she sauntered away like, "I'm about to SHOW y'all."
11.Then... mere seconds later... WARDROBE CHANGE. She's floating from the sky, like a beautiful harem-pant-wearing angel sent by God Herself.
12.She is shimmying, waving, twisting above the crowds below as the opening notes of "Baby Boy" rise around her.
13.No other human in the history of the Video Music Awards has descended from above, upside-down, looking so flaw free.
14.She lands on a couch and all these men in black tights are like, "OH MY GOD, IT'S BEYONCÉ." Nobody knows what's going on. Not even Beyoncé.
15.Except she looks flaw free doing whatever it is.
16.She rises and her hips begin to twirl. Her hair has grown three sizes.
17.Her stank face is strong. Stronger than it's ever been.
18.She stares out into the crowd. "Are you ready," she thinks, "TO. BE. ENTERTAAAAAAAINED?!"
19.She gets a glittery bottle of water mid-performance. Someone rips off her pants and slaps a fur boa in her hands. At this point, she doesn't even know what's happening. But it's all perfect.
20.Then BOOM. We have a full-on, golden Thickyoncé, thighs blazing, hair flying, strutting across the stage. SERVING. YOU. LIFE.
21.And then Jay-Z walks out to "Crazy In Love" and Beyoncé is like, "I'm about to give this man his LIFE."
22.*GIVING HIM LIFE*
23.*ACTUAL TRANSFERENCE OF LIFE LEAVING BEYONCÉ'S BODY AND KEEPING JAY Z FROM FALLING TO THE GROUND LIKE A LIMP PANCAKE*
24.Then she looks out at the crowd like, "Y'all see what I just did? This man is alive because of ME."
25.Then she replaces Jay with a crowd of flawless women.
26.The feminist Spirit takes her. They rise up, collectively crazy in love.
27.They are fueling her. She is growing stronger.
28.She drops to her knees, barely human. She's grown to something more. Something greater.
56.It's 2007. Beyoncé has given the world another year to recover. Her hair is smaller, but she's still looking flawless.
57.She glides out onto the red carpet with Solange like, "Anybody talk shit about my sister and I'll whoop your ass."
58.And everybody's like, "No thanks, Beyoncé, we don't want no trouble. Here, have another award."
59.And Beyoncé's like, "This is so crazy. Thank y'all so much."
60.Then Beyoncé gives everybody another two years to recover. Fast forward to 2009.
61.It is the Year Of Single Ladies and Beyoncé looks good, she feels good, and she's about to TURN. SHIT. OUT.
62.And then BOOM. The world changed. Kanye gets on stage, snatches the mic from Taylor Swift and says the thing EVERYONE WAS THINKING ALL ALONG: "TAYLOR. I'MMA LET YOU FINISH. BUT BEYONCÉ HAD THE GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO. OF. ALL. TIME."
63.And Beyoncé was sitting in the audience like, "Oh, Kanye." Except actually she was like, "You know what Kanye? You right."
64.Except later in the night she got her award anyway, cause that's what this awards show is about.
65.But being the kind, generous, heavenly spirit that She is, she agreed to give her speech time to the lowly spirit of Taylor Swift.
66.Except she stood in the background the whole time thinking, "Kanye was right, not gonna like Taylor, the man said the truth."
67.And then she laughed, and we laughed, and the world laughed, and Taylor kept talking.
68.And then... seconds later... ANOTHER WARDROBE CHANGE. Beyoncé walks out in her "Single Ladies" number like, "I'm ready to PROVE to y'all why that award was mine."
69."Y'all can go ahead and just sit back and relax, 'cause I'm about to teach y'all a lesson."
70."Go on now. Y'all sit back."
71.And then BOOM. SINGLE LADY BEASTYONCÉ COMES TO LIFE.
72.She's like, "I'm gonna TEACH Y'ALL HOW TO SNATCH YOURSELF A MAN."
73.Then she waved her own ringed finger at everybody like, "This shit worked for me."
74.Standing there like, "Y'all better WORK to get you some."