24. English Soccer Player David Beckham
OK, I WOULD have ranked David higher. I wanted to, I really did. But look at his H&M bulge. Why is it square, David? What are you hiding in there? Is that a book? Are you keeping a book down there for reading? WHY IS IT SO LOW AND HORIZONTAL, THAT IS WHAT I AM ASKING.
23. English Rugby Player James Haskell
I’m all for working out until you’re physically unable to bring your arms together in front of your body. That’s fun. That’s cool. That’s your choice. But we need to find this man some green panties that FIT. Because I’m genuinely worried about the safety of his genitals.
20. German Soccer Player Lukas Podolski
I’m not saying I wouldn’t hang out with Lukas in a locker room for as long as he wanted. But I AM saying that this is a lame pair of underwear. Would you wear these to a party? No. You’d wear these to a funeral. This is the underwear you would wear to dump someone, you monster.
18. NFL Quarterback Cam Newton
This is the modern-day version of a chastity belt. Please pray for Cam, who got into these Under Armour BoxerJocks in 1990 and has never returned.
16. Australian Olympic Swimmer James Magnussen
At this point, I just assume nobody in Australia ever wears clothes. They just fashion various undergarments from tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets, and that’s how they live. Just walking around, mostly naked and beautiful, wearing underwear made of tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets.
1. Scottish Rugby Player Thom Evans
Thom Evans is the first person who greets you when you die and go to heaven. He’s there, dressed only in this underwear. He hands you a warm towel and a chocolate bar and he lets you touch his stomach, but only once. And that’s it. That’s what happens when you get to heaven.