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A Totally Scientific Ranking Of 24 Male Athletes Turned Underwear Models

Ranked according to the very scientific method known as "my opinion," which has proven to be always correct.

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24. English Soccer Player David Beckham

OK, I WOULD have ranked David higher. I wanted to, I really did. But look at his H&M bulge. Why is it square, David? What are you hiding in there? Is that a book? Are you keeping a book down there for reading? WHY IS IT SO LOW AND HORIZONTAL, THAT IS WHAT I AM ASKING.

23. English Rugby Player James Haskell

I'm all for working out until you're physically unable to bring your arms together in front of your body. That's fun. That's cool. That's your choice. But we need to find this man some green panties that FIT. Because I'm genuinely worried about the safety of his genitals.

20. German Soccer Player Lukas Podolski

I'm not saying I wouldn't hang out with Lukas in a locker room for as long as he wanted. But I AM saying that this is a lame pair of underwear. Would you wear these to a party? No. You'd wear these to a funeral. This is the underwear you would wear to dump someone, you monster.

18. NFL Quarterback Cam Newton

Under Armour

This is the modern-day version of a chastity belt. Please pray for Cam, who got into these Under Armour BoxerJocks in 1990 and has never returned.

16. Australian Olympic Swimmer James Magnussen

At this point, I just assume nobody in Australia ever wears clothes. They just fashion various undergarments from tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets, and that's how they live. Just walking around, mostly naked and beautiful, wearing underwear made of tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets.

14. Australian Olympic Diver Matthew Mitcham

Matthew Mitcham could murder a baby in front of me, and as long as he was wearing these, I would be like, "OK, sure, he probably deserved it."

12. Spanish Soccer Player Javi Martinez

Javi has that look like he woke up this morning and forgot he had an underwear shoot today and he rushed to the studio and took off his clothes and this is what he looked like, just beautiful and perfect and I want to punch him in his face.

11. Spanish Soccer Player Alberto de la Bella

Alberto clearly knows what it takes to become an accomplished underwear model. Slowly take off all your clothes — EXCEPT YOUR WHITE SOCKS — and then surround yourself with a bunch of other equally naked men. Collect paycheck. Receive fame.

10. Australian Rugby Player Sandor Earl

First of all, his name is Sandor. Second of all, he's selected the perfect pair of underwear to show off his greatest asset...that beautiful star tattoo.

8. The Entire French Olympic Swimming Team

Top Photo / Startraksphoto.com

OK, sure, there's eight of them and only one of everybody else. Except this isn't even an ad. They just happened to show up at this pier, nearly naked, and took this picture. So, that's good.

7. Spanish Tennis Player Rafael Nadal

Look at the intensity in Nadal's eyes. He's really playing this role. He's like, "Oh, god. I forgot my clothes at home again. I guess I'll just grab my head and lean against this metal thing and ponder."

Good. Good modeling.

4. English Rugby Player Alexander Cheesman

Also a calendar shoot. Also doesn't matter. Also he's English. Imagine this man talking to you in an English accent. IMAGINE HIM TALKING TO YOU AT ALL.

1. Scottish Rugby Player Thom Evans

Thom Evans is the first person who greets you when you die and go to heaven. He's there, dressed only in this underwear. He hands you a warm towel and a chocolate bar and he lets you touch his stomach, but only once. And that's it. That's what happens when you get to heaven.

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