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"In spite of his life seeming superficially great, in spite of all the praise and accolades, in spite of all the loving friends and family, there is a predominant voice in the mind of an addict that supersedes all reason and that voice wants you dead. This voice is the unrelenting echo of an unfulfillable void."- Russell Brand on the late actor Phillip Seymour HoffmanI find this quote to be very pertinent in my life because I am recovering from many different addictions and mental perceptions that have negatively impacted my life. I think my reasoning for even commenting on this matter because I believe there is a strange stigma on drugs, addiction, and depression in this society and it definitely impacts my family, friends, peers, and community. Now that I am an adult, I feel compelled to tell my story and write this in order to be vocal. I think I am just tired of being silent on this matter and I feel a sense of healing whenever I write. If you don't know me past the smiles, the wigs, the social butterfly, you would know that at one point, that wasn't who I was. I wasn't the "Dinae" everyone knows now. I was, and still am an addict.At one point, I was addicted to many things and luckily, my addictions never progressed into the hazardous and fatal steps that Mr. Hoffman took that ultimately ended his life. Similarly to Mr. Hoffman, I was looked up to as a leader to my peers and I was respected for the good qualities I illuminated to everyone who knew me. However, I wasn't happy. I was still human with problems that plague many other people that one would wish to think. I wish I could pinpoint the actual problem that led to my downward spiral but I cannot. I had issues at home and at school but I don't think that all really matters. I wasn't vocal on my problems and I decided that in order for me to get by, I would do anything I could to fill the hole that was plaguing my life for so long. I remember being 12 and not even caring about living past 16. It was then that I started an eating disorder. After three years of restricting, binging and purging, I had enough of the strain it was putting on my energy, as I was continuously being active within my high school through multiple clubs and my dance team. The aftertaste of my bile became so harsh that I even if I tried to eat, I would just feel like vomiting again. I was thin to the point that I couldn't go a day without having to recover quickly from dizzy spells. My already petite clothes were too loose on my frail frame. I ended the eating disorder with a clear head to get better- it didn't last for long. The pressure I was facing continued and my problems at home persisted. I was afraid of not having a crutch. I relapsed, not with the eating disorder, but with the thoughts of unworthiness and emptiness. Everything fell- and it fell quickly.Four years later, in 2012, I was a 16 year old junior in high school who was trying to rebuild my life from a series of events that had only occurred throughout the past year before. In a year, I had started skipping school and I got hooked into self-injury. The scars plagued my skin but the wounds only went deeper. I was drinking and popping pills heavily. I was able to get pills through stealing prescription medication from my family, an act that I deeply regret. In one summer, I had overdosed on pills in front of my family without them even knowing what I had done- my second and third suicide attempts (my first was a Motrin overdose when I was 13. It was a week before my 8th grade graduation.). When I reflect on my overdoses, I get repulsed by my actions. A 15 year old shouldn't know what it's like to feel as if your life is slipping away, to feel a sense of helplessness while your mind is swirling and hallucinating as you make a sad life even more tragic. The problem (which is one of many reasons that has led me to write this) in that situation was that no one knew. I had many cuts all over my body and I was drugging and drinking myself to death and yet, to the world, I was a functioning citizen. I was able to work as an organizer for a non- profit organization that summer and I looked relatively…normal. Any addict could look normal. Mr. Hoffman and I have an age difference of 28 years and yet, it was not known to many how deep we were into our shit. I felt like my actions were so sloppy that they became clean. Or just maybe, people were too afraid to come up to me and just ask me. I have always wondered about this. I will never know the answer.In October 2011, I sought treatment for self-injury, depression, and my demons. With full honesty, I will not say that I have been clean. I have relapsed twice on the razor. The first occurrence happened a little less than a month after my discharge. I had been raped by a person who had been a long-time friend of mines throughout high school. I wanted to kill myself but I am thankful that I did not push so far to do so. The second relapse was within a few weeks ago and I have been able to pull out of it. I wish the cutting is the only thing I have to worry about- but it is not. Every day, I have to set constant mental reminders in order to get by. I have to make sure I eat without the connotations that I am a fat, disgusting pig. I have to slow down on my exercise regimes if I feel like my body could be close to shutting down. I have to make sure I wake up with at least one positive thought. I have to be careful when I shave. I have to look at my sexual partners not as rapists, but as ordinary people who want and enjoy being around me. The list goes on. I'm 18 and I still struggle. I attend college and I am heavily involved throughout my school's community through my school's student government. I go through the stresses and tribulations of college as an addict but every day, I am recovering and I am strong. My generation should be aware of cases of addiction and the reasoning behind these addictions without judgment. I feel this way because it is all too common that the typical leader or hometown hero is not always who they may seem to be and believe it or not, they need a helping hand. In the media, we are constantly seeing stories of drug addiction overdoses all over the country. We see the high school cheerleader, the college athlete, the future scientist, the wife, the doting dad, the award-winning actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman- and they are labeled as that for the public to see. It is emphasized to show the addicts as they were to everyone else. Victims that lose their battles to these problems are just displayed on a pedestal, and it is us and it is their families who are only given that. But this can no longer be acceptable. There have been too many suicides, overdoses, and deaths over the disease of addiction and the turmoil of depression. In the beginning of my essay, I quoted Mr. Brand from his 800- word essay in The Guardian because what he states is true. Addicts, victims, and survivors are branded with these titles but as people reading or seeing these stories, does one think of these people as more than what they were perceived to be? Forget all of the accolades and praise- do we think of addicts as people who can be successful and have these tragic, internal flaws? I do not think these questions are not considered enough. At my age, I am bound to make mistakes and I am not going to be the person that tells you that I will be okay four years from now. I will never know where my path will lead me but I do fear the worst. With the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman earlier this year, I fear that even more that people will constantly be more fearful of addicts and will fear discussing this without an empathetic and supportive perspective. I fear that addicts will not seek help because they are afraid of the stigma of addiction. I did not know Mr. Hoffman but as someone who is alive to make these confessions, I empathize with his downfall now more than before (before, as when Mr. Hoffman went into rehab in 2012). Unfortunately, he is gone and he can no longer defend himself from the constant reports that have come up following his death. With the exception of his friends and family, no one will know who he really was and the people who did know might not even have a lick of anything he was going through from the time of his relapse to his untimely death. The "unrelenting echo" never goes away, but the conversation should be just as unrelenting so that there is full awareness and acceptance of drug addiction and mental illness- that there is enough consciousness in one's mind to reach out and get help.
Marxie Von Coxsky (also known as Dinae Anderson...in real life) is a freshman at Purchase College. She is currently studying Theatre & Performance. She is a recovering addict.
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