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Posted on Aug 1, 2015

6 Smiths Covers To Make You Feel Very Sick And Ill Today

We all love a good Smiths cover, but these are not good Smiths covers.

by Chris Townsend

Community Contributor

It is a truism to say that the Smiths are the greatest cultural phenomenon in the history of human civilization (obviously). But even at the origins of aforementioned civilization, figures like Plato were warning us against the imitators, the men who serve up lukewarm copies and not piping-hot originality. When it comes to cover songs, the Smiths have been done some justice by the likes of Radiohead (faithfully covering 'The Headmaster Ritual') and Jeff Buckley's beautiful version of 'I Know It's Over'. And yet, though it may be the sincerest form of flattery, every raft of good Smiths covers floats upon a river of excrementally bad versions. How bad? Here's an arbitrarily ordered list to take you on a voyage through the lightless depths.

The Russian duo, best known for their sapphic shenanigans in the video to 'All The Things She Said', put a pop spin on a fan-favourite for their cover of 'How Soon Is Now?'. However, there is a crucial difference between Morrissey plaintively wailing 'I am human and I need to be loved… just like everybody else does', and the t.A.T.u girls singing the same. The latter sound like they're reading off a shopping list. The casual flippancy of 'And you cry and you want to die' just about sums it up. And the stammering guitar work fails to capture anything like the essence of Johnny Marr's jagged and jangling charms. Something's definitely lost in translation here.

Did you know that Anthrax covered the Smiths gem 'London' on their creatively titled 'Summer 2013' EP? No, because the human brain fights tooth and nail to reject that fact. Anthrax fans need not be offended, as this was released in the brief period when John Bush was doing a poor job of filling the role of lead singer. As such, this cover sounds like it's being sung by a bee holding its nose, backed up by some of the most watery 'metal' drumming you'll hear this century. To be avoided like the band's namesake toxin.

This song was considered a breakthrough for Mark Ronson, probably because it showcased his formula for evacuating a song of all emotional significance as fast as is humanly possible. Take a hollow garage-era drumbeat, the inane, soul-patched Merriweather's insipid vocal untalent, add some trumpet samples you found in a skip, and you too could come up with something to rival this spiritually-bereft insult to Marr and Morrissey.

A very early-era Death Cab threw themselves enthusiastically into this cover of the brilliant 'This Charming Man', but it deserves a mention here for Gibbard's inability to read a lyrics sheets. "I'm just a country boy" ...what? "Why ponder life's complexities" ...why indeed, Ben? "It's crucial that someone so handsome should care"...and isn't it also gruesome, too? Something's gone amiss in this case of transatlanticism; great band, bad cover.

"Please let me get what I want"; no doubt that when Morrissey penned that line he was imagining an exchange of empty material goods between members of a middle-class household on Christmas day. Way to transform a Smiths classic for the benefit of consumer culture, Slow Moving Millie. Featured on the first of many mawkishly lachrymose John Lewis adverts that make you want to hurl a brick at your telly. Or just hurl.

Okay, so this one's a Morrissey cover and not a Smiths cover. But it needs to be included on this list simply because it is HORRIBLE. Gerard Way bawls his way through the song with a sound at times not unlike someone tearing up sheet music, with all the authentic angst of a teenager who won't eat his dinner. If you listen closely you will be able to hear a guitar, but only just. Add to that the fact that the whole thing sounds like it was recorded on a toaster, and you have a child so ugly only a diehard MCR fan could love. Morrissey fans beware.

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6 Smiths Covers To Make You Feel Very Sick And Ill Today