9 Reasons January Is So Shit

    In case you hadn't noticed, it's January. Here is everything you hate about it.

    Marie Maurer
    by Marie Maurer

    Community Contributor

    1. The Weather

    Via nicole1788.deviantart.com

    It's raining. Probably. Everything looks grey. Not Farrow & Ball 'Iridescent Gentrified Duck Egg' grey that would look quite nice in the bathroom actually what do you think darling? Not 50 shades of light bondage grey. 3-day-old dishwater grey. All day, grey. And some prick's still on a beach in Barbados posting pictures of their fucking hammock. GET IN THE FUCKING SEA, MATE.

    2. The Office

    Via home.howstuffworks.com

    You're eating lunch at your desk. Strip lighting strips away the last remnants of seasonal humanity. Carly is telling everyone about her sisters' friends' brothers' new NO ONE'S LISTENING, CARLY. Shut up, for once in your life.

    3. Your Life

    You resolve to do things differently this year. Join the gym. Delete Tinder. Eat more avocado. But it's still your life, and it's still shit.

    4. There Is Literally Nothing Left To Watch

    Via live2conquer.com

    You've seen everything on Netflix, iPlayer, Pornhub and you're now scrolling ITV2+1 to double-check you didn't miss that last repeat of Take Me Out. You've seen every dog, cat, hamster video on YouTube and spent 3 long hours trying to work out what a Zoella is. This is it. You have consumed ALL THE CONTENT.

    5. The Mornings

    It's 7am. Your alarm kills the mood like a creepy uncle. It's so dark outside you could leave the house naked and no one would notice. Maybe you will. MAYBE YOU WILL.

    6. The Afternoons

    Via feedarticles.com

    You watch the clock. 2.43pm. Fourteen hours later, it's 2.44pm. You type 5 emails. 2.47pm. You make a cup of tea. Still 2.47pm. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE.

    7. The Diets

    Via stylecraze.com

    Everywhere you look, carrots. No one's drinking anything apart from triple-distilled mineral water. And carrot juice. Fuck you, carrots.

    8. The General Sense Of Time Passing

    How is it January again? Why aren't you a millionaire yet? What even happened last year?

    9. The Journalism

    Via money.usnews.com

    You wade through clickbait and advertising and more clickbait and more advertising. It's THE ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION YOU'LL EVER NEED or YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS ELEPHANT ON NEW YEAR'S DAY or OMG LOOK AT THAT FROG or DO FROGS HAVE FEELINGS? or IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES WITH FROGS or 10 REASONS JANUARY IS SO SHIT and it's all too much and you close your laptop and you go home, and you cry.