I Rewatched "Thumbelina" As A Grown Woman And I Have A Few Notes
Hans Christian Andersen, you shady queen.
Like you, I used to watch my VHS tape of Thumbelina all the time as a kid.
And like you, I haven't watched it since I've been old enough to know that everything pure can and will be corrupted...
...by me. Let's get started.
1. Original songs by: BARRY MANILOW?
2. SUPERVISING COMPOSER: BARRY MANILOW?!
3. HOLY SHIT, DIRECTED BY: BARRY— No, not Barry Manilow.
4. Who is responsible for the voice of the Parisian swallow, Jacquimo? He sounds like Speedy Gonzales and Pepé Le Pew if both characters had a mouth full of bees.
5. Okay, for real, who else wished they could just wake up in a FLOWER?
6. Imagine being an old woman with an entire farm to care for AND a tiny woman living in your home that you constantly had to try to not accidentally kill?
7. This movie could have been a lot shorter if the mother didn't check the couch every time she sat down.
8. When Mother showed her that book about fairies, you can tell Thumbelina felt some type of way. It became her mission in life right then and there to get some fairy prince diq.
9. Okay, that walnut-shell bed for Thumbelina is precious. I feel bad for sexualizing her a second ago.
10. Ooh, good solo song. "I know there's someone, somewhere, someone / Who's sure to find me soon." Honey, she is working the hell out of that dress.
11. And that hair! How have we not talked about that HAIR? I remember thinking her hair was absolutely everything, but I didn't "get" what the little doodies on the sides and top were supposed to be.
12. Cute flower hairband and corset though! She's already snatching you Coachella basics, and she's not even the size of a bullet vibrator. BE SHOOK!
13. Yaass, come through on that thicc bumblebee, Cornelius!!!
14. Wait, Cornelius is supposed to be 16? Meaning Thumbelina is presumably 16?! I feel geriatric.
15. Oh, wow, I forgot that Cornelius and Thumbelina meet because he broke into her home after watching her dance through her window. Romance.
16. LOL and his pickup line is taking out a huge sword, cutting through her favorite book, and saying, "May I cut in?"
17. You definitely want the beginning of your love story to start with "She thought I was gonna cut her so she hid from me in a teapot."
18. "There, see? No more sword!" YES, BUT YOU'RE STILL A STRANGE MAN WITH WINGS WHO BROKE INTO MY HOUSE. I AM STILL FRIGHTENED OF YOU."
*intermission where I pour myself a tequila soda because I'm getting too worked up and it's only 15 minutes in*
19. "You're— you're one of them!" Thumbelina says to Cornelius while pointing to her book, being careful not to call this strange man a "fairy" to his face.
20. Cornelius's hair embarrasses me.
21. "Let Me Be Your Wings" is honesty a great song. I don't even care that they're falling in love after knowing each other for roughly the same amount of time I usually wait on a Chipotle line. I fuck with this track heavily.
22. And then a sexy Latina toad voiced by Charo snatches Thumbelina from her bed after hearing her sing. I love that I didn't question any of this as a kid; I was just like, "Yeah, so now this is happening; this film makes sense."
23. Okay, honestly? Mrs. Toad is everything the Kardashian-Jenners aspire to be. She had the wigs and lips before Kylie, the legs before Kendall, the curves before Kim, and the skills for exploiting her children for money before Kris. Praise this icon!!
24. Oh, now I get it, Mrs. Toad is basically a pimp. Her creepy son claims he will marry Thumbelina, and she says after he does they will keep all the money she earns. I should have known better than to trust a frog with breast implants.
25. Thumbelina yelling "DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHAT I THINK?" while struggling to stay on her lily pad is me whenever I tweet something about feminism to my four followers.
26. Did we ever establish why the lecherous toad is dressed like a Pagliacci clown? Does he think this is a look, hunny?
27. He looks like the Penguin as played by Danny DeVito.
28. And out of nowhere pops a sleazy beetle, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, who looks like a mix of Salvador Dali and a magician who has been barred from the magic community for sexual misconduct.
29. This beetle bastard is kissing her up the arms as she tells him to stop and he says "How can I stop? You're gorgeous!" and she is excitedly FLATTERED.
30. I am pouring myself a second drink.
31. OMG, yes, I remember the "Beetle Ball"! I despised the butterfly extravaganza they made her wear, but remember being very into this dance sequence.
32. I loved the red outfit reveal when her costume accidentally ripped off and felt so much confusion when the bugs began calling her ugly.
33. I guess this is to teach kids that beauty is subjectively in the eye of the beholder, but it personally just made me hate Gilbert Gottfried.
34. Why does the toad constantly do little spits between yelling about finding Thumbelina? WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD AT IT?
35. Did the beetle just call the toad "Grundle"?! IS THAT THE TOAD'S NAME?
36. A quick IMDB check confirmed the toad's name is literally "Grundel." Pronounced the same as the term for the area of a man's body between his balls and his butthole.
38. WAIT— THE VOICE OF ARIEL FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID IS ALSO THE VOICE OF THUMBELINA?! IMDB, you've done it again.
39. Damn, when Cornelius falls into the thin ice and gets frozen solid just as his lil' finger reaches the surface!
40. Poor, freezing Thumbelina seeks refuge in an old sock when she awakens in the underground home of a sassy blonde named Ms. Fieldmouse!
41. Aaaand, like everyone else who offers to help Thumbelina, this two-timing strumpet has ulterior motives. She tells her that Cornelius is dead and then tries to get her to sing for the rich, corn cake–lovin' Mr. Mole.
42. OK, Mr. Mole's house is kind of lit. The outside looks like Wayne Manor, and the interior is gaudier than my Italian grandma's costume jewelry bought from a New Jersey swap meet. I love it!
43. And somehow Jacquimo's supposedly dead body is in Mr. Mole's home? What kind of Jeffrey Dahmer?
44. This movie is just chock-full of grifting pimpettes who are willing to sell Thumbelina off for monetary gain. Is Thumbelina too small for a little autonomy?
45. Four-year-old me loved the "Marry the Mole" song. Ms. Fieldmouse is giving us all kinds of avant-garde Alexander McQueen in that pincushion.
46. "Romeo and Juliet were very much in love when they were wed / They honored every vow, but where are they now? They're dead." Wow, I wanna get drunk with Ms. Fieldmouse.
47. WHO DID THIS TO THUMBELINA?! ON HER WEDDING DAY, NO LESS!
48. Good for her for leaving Mr. Mole at the altar — and for slapping the shit out of that beetle and Grundel.
49. And somehow Jacquimo comes back from the dead to tell Thumbelina he's found the elusive Vale of the Fairies. When the hell did that happen?
50. And once again, I am living for Thumbelina's outfit once it's unrecognizably tattered.
51. Ooh and Thumbelina's voice melts the ice and makes the spring flowers bloom. This bitch thinks she's Persephone.
52. "AAAAND I'LL NEVER LET YOU FAAAAALLLL!" bellows Cornelius, who is also somehow back from the dead. I can't with this movie giving me false ideals about mortality.
53. And of course, the magical 16-year-olds get married at once, and Thumbelina suddenly sprouts wings because this tale was created to scoot its butt all over logic, science, and reason.
54. I see you, Hans Christian Andersen. You shady queen.