19 Things The People Of Portland Love

Presented in no particular order. You may initially be inclined to challenge this list, but then you'll be like "Oh, no, yeah. This is all true".

1. Not using umbrellas

Last time I walked around with an umbrella in the rain, someone rode past me on their bike and mumbled, “You don’t need that here”. Point taken.

2. Hula-hoops

Fact: There are 4 hula-hoops per capita in Portland!

3. Running out in front of cars

This is one of the weirdest things about Portland that no one ever talks about. On any given car ride, at least three people will walk across the street in front of your car without even looking up. In cities like New York, these pedestrians would have died years ago (I like to call this “metropolitan natural selection”), but Portland is stuck in an awkward teen phase where they pick and choose which aspects of the community should be like a big city and which should be small town. Nevertheless, it’s crazy dangerous and rage-inducing for anyone not from the area. Remember that episode of Parks and Recreation where everyone in Pawnee puts their entire mouth around the water fountain spout? It’s that level of confusing.

4. Food carts

Some of our city’s best cuisine comes from a portable 10’x 6’ box. Food carts are a great way for restaurants to start up a following with a smaller initial investment. The trick is to find the ones that adhere to core of why carts are so great: Little overhead and maximum freedom to play with their dishes creates low prices and delicious, delicious meals. See Big Ass Sandwiches, Viking Soul Food and Built To Grill.

5. Not putting fluoride in water

As someone that grew up in a place with a monument to commemorate adding fluoride to its water, I didn’t realize it was a topic of contention. I always feel like an old man saying things like “I grew up with fluoride in my water and I turned out just fine”, but I suppose we all have the right to decide what we ingest. Seriously, though. No cavities until I was 17.

6. Backyard chickens

It’s legal to raise chickens without a permit in Portland, as long as you keep six or fewer. Making breakfast becomes a lot more interesting when you realize you have access to fresh eggs, provided you are okay with stepping in chicken craps every time you go in the backyard.

7. LGBT Equality

Gay, lesbian, transgendered, polyamorous and generally queer lifestyles are so accepted here that it’s always jarring to watch national news and remember that dudes still get beat up in this country just for wanting to fall in love with another dude and raise adorable babies.

8. Making fun of the suburbs

Any local stand-up show will have at least two jokes about how lame the ‘burbs are. It doesn’t mean they aren’t funny, it just means we love to stick it to Clackamas.

9. Kale

It’s just like lettuce, but harder!

10. Doing stuff while naked

Once a year, Portland hosts an official Naked Bike ride and 38 other times during the year they host unofficial old men naked bike rides. No wonder they call Oregon the Dong Spotting State*.

*A nickname I just made up.

11. Thai food

Why are there so many Thai restaurants here? And why are there so few Chinese and Indian restaurants? We’re in the middle of a culture war, that's why. We’re not going to bow to you, BIG THAI!

12. Dreadlocks

This is a bit more of a Eugene thing, but they are certainly in abundance here. Universally known as the best way to tell the world you don’t like to clean yourself.

13. Letting it mellow

Your Nobel Prize is in the mail.

14. Sriracha/ Secret Aardvark hot sauce

I heard that if you go someplace in Portland and they don’t have either of these available to supplement your meal, you can legally slap one employee.

15. Not having a job

There is a difference between not having a job and being unemployed. In most places, you would be living off of unemployment paychecks and actively looking for a job. In Portland, there’s a lot of funemployment going on. Possibly related to number of couches available for rent.

16. Floating the river

Actually, super fun and highly recommended.

17. Bacon/ lard

This one was always confusing to me, since Portland is known for being full of health nuts. I eventually concluded that it’s just their way of rebelling and reminds me a lot of when I would get even with my Catholic mother in high school by going to Evangelical youth groups. I really showed her.

18. Subtle racism

“This is a rap song, so you know all of the words, right?”

- Something I’ve heard white people say to their black friends, regardless of interests. There are seriously a lot of white people here.

19. Sexual promiscuity

According to 2011 OK Cupid data, Portland was found to be the most promiscuous city in the US. As a resident, I can confirm this data. There are tons of young people that move here for a couple of years to “find themselves”, “figure stuff out” or “just have fun”, and those things usually involve midnight jockey rides.