There are so many things wrong with how women talk — am I right, fellas!? They speak too quietly. They say sorry too often. Their voices are too damn high. They say “just” too often. They do this annoying thing called “vocal fry."
And sometimes, as a man, you want to help out. You want to let women know what they’re doing wrong, so they can make it right, and live better, more virtuous lives. But where to start!? Well, I’ve read all of the tips, so you don’t have to.
Here’s THE definitive guide for men who want to fix women’s voices.
1. If you feel yourself about to interrupt a woman, try not interrupting.
2. If you still feel the urge to interrupt, try biting your tongue.
3. No luck? Try eating a doughnut.
4. If none of these methods work, try duct tape over your own mouth. Or maybe painter’s tape. It’s gentler. Don't duct tape other people’s mouths without their permission.
5. If you’re worried about your ability to listen, try taking notes.
6. If you feel a desire to talk over your female boss, imagine she has the power to fire you.
7. If your male co-worker interrupts a female co-worker, kick him under the conference table.
8. If you happen to have a megaphone handy, offer it to your female colleague.
9. When a woman tells you something you didn’t know, try believing her.
10. If your wife, friend, daughter, mother, sister, grandmother, server, teacher, student, lawyer, grocery store clerk, or a stranger is talking, consider the possibility that what she has to say may be important, valuable, or interesting.
11. If you can’t hear a woman, ask the people around you to quiet down.
12. If you still can’t hear her, move closer.
13. Maybe get your hearing checked?
14. When you’re tempted to listen to how a woman is saying something, try focusing on what she’s saying instead.
15. If you don’t like the sound of a woman’s voice, repeat this mantra: “It’s not that big of a deal. I need to move on with my life.”
16. When you enter a conversation, listen quietly before joining in at an appropriate moment.
17. Try using the words “just,” “sorry,” and “excuse me” more often. See what happens.
18. When you need an expert, try finding a woman!
19. When you need an opinion, ask a woman.
20. How about a joke? Ask a woman.
21. Ask questions instead of making statements. See what you find out.
22. Assume your own experience is not central. Assume you are not the most important person in the room. Assume you know only one of many truths. Assume this world is hard on people who are not straight, white, and male. Assume you can make a difference by dropping your assumptions. Assume no one needs you to speak for her, but she may want you to set an example of how to listen.
23. Listen.