A New Yorker's Alphabet: A 26 Letter Journey Through The Big Apple

I lived in NYC for almost a decade. *This* is my story.

A is for Assholes.

Maggie L.E.

NYC has a much greater density of assholes per capita than any other city on Earth!

B is for Butt Sweat.

Maggie L.E.

Butt sweat is a frequent occurrence on the subway in August.

C is for Construction Scaffolding.

Maggie L.E.

I've gone whole days without ever being exposed to sunlight. On the plus side, I was also never hit with a falling brick!

D is for Dignity.

Maggie L.E.

My dignity is the price I paid to live here.

E is for Elmos.

Maggie L.E.

All 98 of these *probable* predators in fur can be found in Times Square.

F is for Fecal Matter.

Maggie L.E.

This is the reason I stopped wearing flip flops while walking around Manhattan. Also, the reason I had to throw out my favorite purple Converse All Stars after an unfortunate incident on the R train platform at 42 St.!

G is for Gum.

Maggie L.E.

The thing that literally holds NYC together as it can be found on ALL surfaces.

H is for Hamilton.

Maggie L.E.

A musical I have learned to hate because, Jesus Christ, no one will stop talking it. It's a freaking musical. Chill out, people.

I is for Insane.

Maggie L.E.

A thing you have to be to take the 6 Train on a weekday during rush hour.

J is for Junk.

Maggie L.E.

Men in NYC require up to two extra seats on the subway to accommodate their junk.

K is for Kelvin.

Maggie L.E.

How the temperatures in the subway should be measured in the summertime.

L is for Law & Order.

Maggie L.E.

This was/is the ultimate survival guide to NYC. Don't want to get raped while jogging at 4 a.m. along the East River? Watch Law & Order.

M is for the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Maggie L.E.

The Met is free. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or guilt trip you into paying for a ticket. They have a $3 billion endowment and do not need your $30 admission. Give it to a homeless guy instead.

N is for "NoooooOooooo!"

Maggie L.E.

That's what I say as the subway doors close right before I make the train, and then I squish against the window just for dramatic effect.

O is for Occupy Wall Street.

Maggie L.E.

Occupy Wall Street is a thing that will be in the history books our kids will someday read in school despite the fact that it was a bunch of trustafarians camping out in a park, eating free food and mooching off public Wi-Fi. Literally, the worst.

P is for Port Authority.

Maggie L.E.

The only reason to go to the Port Authority is to snort coke off a urinal. Otherwise, just stay away. It's the worst.

Q is for Queens (specifically Astoria).

Maggie L.E.

Queens is one microbrewery or knitting salon away from becoming Williamsburg — or so the New York Times has been saying for five years.

R is for Rent Stabilized.

Maggie L.E.

This is the thing you will spend half your goddamn NYC life seeking.

S is for Scents.

Maggie L.E.

NYC has an overabundance.

T is for Times Square.

Maggie L.E.

The 11th circle of hell, right behind the 10th circle, the Port Authority.

U is for Under Indictment.

Maggie L.E.

The status of at least 3 NYS or city government officials at any given moment.

V is for Vodka.

Maggie L.E.

The only available beverage at Brighton Beach (besides nutcrackers).

W is for the West Village.

Maggie L.E.

I once saw a man walking a llama with a tip jar in the West Village. No one batted an eyelash.

X is for Xanax.

Maggie L.E.

A prescription all New Yorkers should ask their doctors about.

Y is for Yonkers.

Maggie L.E.

There's a box on the New York State income tax form for people who live in Yonkers to check. I don't know why they get their own box. Is Yonkers super nice and/or special in some way? I'm legit interested.

Z is for NYC legend Dr. Zizmor.

Maggie L.E.

This local dermatologist retired in 2016, but he will live on in ads on the C train for at least another 5 years.

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