43 Thoughts Women Have On Mediocre Dates

So you're on your first date with some scrub that Tinder hooked you up with. It can't be all that bad, right?

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1. OKEE. Here we go.

2. Oh, wow. That accent.

3. Where's that from?

4. Michigan?

5. No, it's not ~pop~, you egghole. It's soda.

6. Yeah, OK, you're definitely from Michigan.

7. Pssh. Pop.

8. Wait.

9. Did I pop that pimple on my nose before I left?

10. Shit.

11. That's it! I'll tell him I have to shit so I can go see if it's gone.

12. Actually, let's not do that.

13. I'll just casually look into this spoon.

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14. Oh my hell — is my nose really this big?

15. Put the spoon down, dammit.

16. Oh thank God, the drinks are here.

17. Now let's see..

18. *sips* he's pretty cute once you get past the accent.

19. *sips* hm, ok, no, never mind.

20. Oh. He's an accountant.

21. BAWWWWWING.

22. Why am I complaining?

23. My poor roommate is probably home all alone watching Friends reruns and eating an entire pizza.

24. Well, that's what I do when she's on dates.

25. Bitch better do that, too.

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26. What if she just says she does that just so I feel OK about eating a whole tube of cookie dough?

27. THAT DICK.

28. Now I'm onto that conniving bit-

29. Shit, I think he knows I'm not listening to him.

30. I'm not. But, just keeping smiling and nodding.

31. OK. There we go, buster.

32. Ha. Buster.

33. Don't really know why that's funny.

34. OK, just keep drinking. That should make him more attractive.

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35. *sips* I wonder what his eyes look like in a jar?

36. He just asked me what my aspirations in life are.

37. This is a date. Not a Seventeen Magazine quiz, man.

38. Wait, did he just order me a salad?

39. OH. HELL. NO.

40. YOU THINK I WANT A SALAD?

41. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A SALAD EATING BODY TO YOU, HOME BOY?!

42. OhhhhhhhmyGod. He didn't order me a salad, he said I looked ~sexy~.

43. Ok. Ok. Maybe you can hang, Mr. Accountant.