Why Bananas Are The Worst

From birth until high school where you use them to practice putting on condoms.

1.

1. Ew. Ew ew ew. Bananas are literally the worst. Not like bamamas like mammograms aka the worst. Not even like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise the worst. Like Sarah Jessica Parker in Failure to Launch the Worst. Not me cheating the on my diet the worst; like me eating 10 cookies the night before I weigh myself the worst.

2. They literally smell like Satan's butthole. They smell worse than me vomiting all of my Barefoot Mascato white wine. And then the hot dog I stole from my neighbor's graduation party. The smell makes me want to jump off an 8-story cliff.

3. Why the hell are they shaped like a dick??? Please excuse me for not wanting to eat something my high school gym teacher practiced putting a condom on. If I wanted to be reminded that I will be single forever, I'd watch the Gilmore Girls until my eyes bled. #loner #proud

4. Why do bananas taste like a beautiful island that gave up it firstborn to a garbage dump? They taste like the first voted off survivor and the next voted off was tree bark.

5. Yellow is literally the first color that anything could possibly be. Yellow is the archetype for the worst things. Pus and disease are yellow. Look at your infected ear piercings or gross pimples. Shakespeare told us that the color was evil. Coincidence? I think not...

6. Bananas' texture is reminiscent of a moldy piece of bread that has sat out in Washington D.C.'s humidity for a week. Who would willingly put something like that in their mouth? If I wanted that texture, I would go and lick the ground of the local Chuck E. Cheese.

7. Bitch, you say that a banana has a lot of potassium? They def have the most sugar and carbs.. But potatoes have more potassium than bananas. In terms of the most calories, bananas are the worst fruit you can eat. And in terms of taste, they certainly are terrible unless you drown them in peanut butter.

8. Take our advice and stay away from Satan's fruit. Reconnaissance art may suggest that apples were the forbidden fruit, but Eve probably had a banana that ruined her for life. Don't fall prey to the devil and eat bananas. Stay away from the yellow poison.