1. Partake in “National Cheat Days”, ‘cause letting loose and eating junk food is OK.
6. Keep America on its toes with an assortment of booby-traps.
Living in a constant state of fear burns more calories than you’d think. And it’s still more fun than keto.
8. Engage in free boxing lessons that are run by George Bluth, Sr.
Bring back that glorious mustache, dad.
9. Divert funding from the War on Drugs, in favor of a War on Pez.
“My man’s PACKIN’.”
10. Forcibly remove extremely fit people from gyms for an hour each day, during which time the rest of us can go work out while hating ourselves less.
This is how you make me feel inside.
11. And if you want dairy, from now on you’re processing it yourself.
12. Make less popular Olympic sports “hip” with the young people.
Start by adding a belly flop division to competitive diving.
13. Don’t be afraid to try CrossFit.
14. Encourage the formerly obese to inspire future success stories.
16. Combine two sports into one, doubling metabolic output.
Turn an everyday nature hike into a sweaty weight room.
17. Seriously, don’t be afraid to go outdoors.
18. If you start now, you’re be on Tony Perkis’ level by Labor Day:
- At least 11 people are dead and 69 injured after an explosion outside a stadium in Turkey, the country's health ministry says.