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What You Say While Sexting Vs. What You Mean

When grown-ups sext, it's complicated. And there are lies.

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Hey! – I'm horny.

Oh, hey you! – I too am horny. Well, lonely. Lonely/horny.

How's your day going? – Blah, blah, I'm putting in the time here.

Oh, you know… Whatever… – Should we just speed through these niceties?

Where are you? – Please describe an erotic location.

I'm lying on my bed, I haven't gotten into bed yet, I'm just lying on the covers. – The kitchen.

So what are you wearing? – Let's get this show on the road then, shall we?

Oh, just a t-shirt and a pair of pants. – A sweatshirt over pyjamas. With a bathrobe on top.

What are you doing?– Do continue in this sexy vein.

I'm just thinking of you, lying here. – I'm making a massive pot of soup. I plan to eat some now, take some to work tomorrow, and freeze the rest.

Oh yeah? That's hot. What are you thinking about me? – Gosh, thanks. So do you actually find me attractive? Cool.

Oh, just your lips. And how I'd like to kiss them. – I was actually thinking, do leeks even go with thyme? But yeah, you do have quite nice lips.

I'd like to kiss your lips too. – I'd like to kiss anyone's lips.

Oh yeah? – How should we proceed?

I'd like to kiss your lips and I'd like to kiss you all over. – We're doing this, we're doing this, please don't reject me.

Oh yeah? – So we're doing this?!

I'd like to undress you completely. – That seems like a logical step in this narrative, doesn't it?

Oh yeah? – I don't know what to say. This is the third time I've said "Oh yeah?" I'm sorry.

Yeah. – Look, you're going to have to bring a little more to the table here.

Yeah, so I'd like to kiss your lips. – Gah, that's terrible. I feel flummoxed. I'm not good at this.

Yeah, us naked, kissing. – I'm going to persevere here.

Yeah, that sounds really good. – That does actually sound quite nice. Like I said, I'm lonely. And horny.

Kissing all over. – Please take some initiative.

Yeah, kissing. – We seem to have arrived at a sexting impasse.

And licking. – I'm moving this along here.

I'm really turned on. – I would like to signify my interest without getting into explicit detail.

I'm really turned on too. – I am actually really quite turned on.

Oh yeah? – Oh Jesus, I've said it again.

Yeah, I'm licking you, really turned on. – WORK WITH ME HERE.

What else would you do to me? – I don't want you to stop messaging me. But you're better at this than I am.

I'd tie you up. – I mean, if you want me to.

Yeah, I'd like that. – I suppose maybe I would like that. Would I?

I'd spank you. – Well, I might spank you. But sometimes spanking just seems so silly, doesn't it?

Yeah? Would you spank me hard? – I'm sort of getting into this now.

Oh yeah, so hard. So hard it hurts. – Well, not too hard. I think you seem very nice and I would never want to hurt you.

That would feel so good. – God, I've been so lonely.

Spanking and kissing and licking. – So we're definitely, definitely doing this.

Yeah, do it to me. – Please continue.

I am doing it to you hard. – I am very, very turned on.

Yeah, do it. – I am increasingly enjoying this "sexting".

I am going to come. – I am going to orgasm.

Yeah, me too. – OK WHAT? How are you doing that amid the typing?

I came. – I just had an orgasm.

Yeah, me too. – I really didn't.

How are you feeling?– I feel slightly anxious now.

Oh you know, relaxed. – I'm not sure whether I am more lonely or less lonely than I was 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, I feel pretty chilled too. – I am getting to an age where I am very concerned with my parents dying.

Well, that was fun. – That was a bit weird.

Yeah, fun. – Slightly weird but also a bit fun.

So, talk soon maybe... – Do you sext other people?

Yeah, for sure. – Not really, I mean sometimes, but I like you the best.

OK well, goodnight then. – I suppose, on reflection, I feel less lonely than I did before you messaged me.

Night night, you. – I think I feel less anxious than I did before you messaged me back.

xx – Life is weird, isn't it?

xoxo – Totally.