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18 Secrets That Men Who Wear Kilts Will Never Tell You

Wedding season's over. Put your pants back on.

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1. They make you kneel to get measured and it feels like you're getting knighted.

That’s because the kilt’s length runs from navel to knee. The last time you felt compelled to show a stranger where your belly button is, you were probably 4.
Lucas Jackson / Reuters

That’s because the kilt’s length runs from navel to knee. The last time you felt compelled to show a stranger where your belly button is, you were probably 4.

2. Turns out you’re just a wee bit vain.

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Before the kilt: "I cut my own hair and my trousers zip off to become utility shorts."

After: "How am I supposed to enjoy my reflection in your sunglasses if you keep moving your head?"

3. You're also indecisive – there are a million ways to wear a kilt, and each one says something different about you.

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Do you pair it with a swanky Prince Charlie jacket or a rustic Argyll? Waistcoat or no? If you’re brave enough, you could always try to pull off one of those lace-up ghillie shirts that say, “I am Gregor MacBoyfriend, last hunk of my village. Welcome to the cover of this airport bodice-ripper.”

4. You need the right footwear and your shitty suede Oxfords won’t cut it.

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The safe bet is to stick with traditional ghillie brogues, even if all that lacy shite makes them look like something a fancy little French boy would wear to Versailles. For something less formal you could go with clumpy boots à la the Tartan Army and risk pulverising someone’s toes at a ceilidh.

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5. Nobody seems to mind that you’re carrying a knife in your sock.

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"A sgian dubh! Brilliant. Anyway, your flight leaves from gate 42."

6. But they’ll be outraged if you admit you’re wearing underwear.

What difference does it make to you, first minister? What if bats get in there?
Mike Segar / Reuters

What difference does it make to you, first minister? What if bats get in there?

7. When it comes to picking a tartan, clan pride comes before fashion...up to a point.

Irn Bru's tartan, as listed on the Scottish Register of Tartans: https://t.co/kWtvK65VnD

“I will wear the colours of my forefathers and feel their glory surge through me across the ages.”

[shop assistant returns with a horrible fabric sample]

“...ooft, fuck that. I’ll take the grey one.”

8. Even if it isn’t an assault on the eyes, your tartan could carry a little historical baggage.

Everyone needs to see this! Bruce-Campbell-being-awesome-in-a-kilt-picture-of-the-day. via @slashfilm

Here’s impressive-chinned horror hero Bruce Campbell modelling the tartan of his clan. He’d probably be fine to wear that to a MacDonald wedding, considering it’s the 21st century and all. Probably.

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9. Sitting is hard.

fox.com / Via lifeisforgamers.tumblr.com

You have to tuck the fabric daintily under your legs in the manner of a concert pianist settling down for some Chopin. And keep those knees together.

10. Toilet stuff is harder.

Ehm?! Hoe doe ik dit? Met mijn kilt naar het toilet?

Do you clamp the hem between your teeth? Bunch it all up at the sides like a Victorian lady trying to cross a puddle? Do you take the whole thing off?

11. Kilts are an absolute bastard to clean.

The advice out there seems to be some unrealistic combination of careful brushing and rarely trusting dry-cleaners. Aye right. Nobody’s going to judge if you settle for Febreze or a spritz of holy water.
Toby Melville / Reuters

The advice out there seems to be some unrealistic combination of careful brushing and rarely trusting dry-cleaners. Aye right. Nobody’s going to judge if you settle for Febreze or a spritz of holy water.

12. The urge to swish it about is all-consuming.

starz.com / Via sidereel.com

Powerful and coquettish all at once.

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13. There's no such thing as perfect kilt weather.

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In winter: A chill has lodged in your undercarriage that no number of hot baths will shift.

In summer (or, god forbid, in a hot country): Congratulations, you have created a jungle climate in your nether regions and could probably grow pineapples in there.

14. It really brings out your inner marauder if there’s more than two of you in Highland gear.

This effect is intensified if you're somewhere other than Scotland.
Im / Via imgur.com

This effect is intensified if you're somewhere other than Scotland.

15. People who’ve been wearing skirts their whole lives will have no time for your shit.

Walt Disney Pictures / Via halloweencostumes.com

Hmm, yes. Breezy, is it? Do go on.

16. Running with a heavy sporran on is a good way to damage yourself in cruel and intimate ways.

starz.com / Via castlelingus.com

Notice how these guys go without, thereby avoiding death by a thousand tiny nutshots.

17. And something about stashing a smartphone in a sporran feels profoundly wrong.

You just stuffed modernity into tradition. It’s a time-defying turducken. You’ll kill us all.
tactikilt.com / Via giphy.com

You just stuffed modernity into tradition. It’s a time-defying turducken. You’ll kill us all.

18. But despite all the faff and expense, you’re just grateful that your national dress isn’t shit.

England, wyd.
Dylan Martinez / Reuters

England, wyd.