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    Posted on Oct 27, 2016

    18 Secrets That Men Who Wear Kilts Will Never Tell You

    Wedding season's over. Put your pants back on.

    1. They make you kneel to get measured and it feels like you're getting knighted.

    Lucas Jackson / Reuters

    That’s because the kilt’s length runs from navel to knee. The last time you felt compelled to show a stranger where your belly button is, you were probably 4.

    2. Turns out you’re just a wee bit vain.

    3. You're also indecisive – there are a million ways to wear a kilt, and each one says something different about you.

    4. You need the right footwear and your shitty suede Oxfords won’t cut it.

    5. Nobody seems to mind that you’re carrying a knife in your sock.

    6. But they’ll be outraged if you admit you’re wearing underwear.

    Mike Segar / Reuters

    What difference does it make to you, first minister? What if bats get in there?

    7. When it comes to picking a tartan, clan pride comes before fashion...up to a point.

    Irn Bru's tartan, as listed on the Scottish Register of Tartans:

    “I will wear the colours of my forefathers and feel their glory surge through me across the ages.”

    [shop assistant returns with a horrible fabric sample]

    “...ooft, fuck that. I’ll take the grey one.”

    8. Even if it isn’t an assault on the eyes, your tartan could carry a little historical baggage.

    Everyone needs to see this! Bruce-Campbell-being-awesome-in-a-kilt-picture-of-the-day. via @slashfilm

    Here’s impressive-chinned horror hero Bruce Campbell modelling the tartan of his clan. He’d probably be fine to wear that to a MacDonald wedding, considering it’s the 21st century and all. Probably.

    9. Sitting is hard. / Via

    You have to tuck the fabric daintily under your legs in the manner of a concert pianist settling down for some Chopin. And keep those knees together.

    10. Toilet stuff is harder.

    Ehm?! Hoe doe ik dit? Met mijn kilt naar het toilet?

    Do you clamp the hem between your teeth? Bunch it all up at the sides like a Victorian lady trying to cross a puddle? Do you take the whole thing off?

    11. Kilts are an absolute bastard to clean.

    Toby Melville / Reuters

    The advice out there seems to be some unrealistic combination of careful brushing and rarely trusting dry-cleaners. Aye right. Nobody’s going to judge if you settle for Febreze or a spritz of holy water.

    12. The urge to swish it about is all-consuming. / Via

    Powerful and coquettish all at once.

    13. There's no such thing as perfect kilt weather.

    14. It really brings out your inner marauder if there’s more than two of you in Highland gear.

    Im / Via

    This effect is intensified if you're somewhere other than Scotland.

    15. People who’ve been wearing skirts their whole lives will have no time for your shit.

    Walt Disney Pictures / Via

    Hmm, yes. Breezy, is it? Do go on.

    16. Running with a heavy sporran on is a good way to damage yourself in cruel and intimate ways. / Via

    Notice how these guys go without, thereby avoiding death by a thousand tiny nutshots.

    17. And something about stashing a smartphone in a sporran feels profoundly wrong. / Via

    You just stuffed modernity into tradition. It’s a time-defying turducken. You’ll kill us all.

    18. But despite all the faff and expense, you’re just grateful that your national dress isn’t shit.

    Dylan Martinez / Reuters

    England, wyd.

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