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I, A Mere Commoner, Went To The Golden Globes And This Is What Happened

I'm not worthy, but also, like, whatever.

The 72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards happened last night, and I, a plebe who can't walk in heels, attended. This is what I learned.

1. People wait to get drunk.

First up was the red carpet. My co-worker Keith and I were there to breathalyze people on the carpet. This *is* after all Hollywood's biggest party night of the year, and we expected them to be somewhat intoxicated. Most people were walking the carpet disappointingly sober. I will never understand this.

I wore lipstick and a dress that I'm going to be returning to the store tomorrow. I am not famous and was not offered a free gown. I will return this dress guilt-free. Keith wore a tuxedo that he's owned since high school. Sorry Keith, forgive me for exposing you.

2. It's a sea of pretty people.

The red carpet of the Globes is just as clusterfucky as it looks on TV and the area is smaller. At one point Kate Beckinsale was standing one foot away from me on my right, I turned my head to gasp at the fact that Kate Beckinsale was standing one foot away from me on my right, and when I turned it back, Kate Beckinsale had been replaced by Jessica Chastain. I was OK with it. I also said hi to Al Roker before the carpet got too crowded. He was friendly. He makes me love the weather.

3. And the prettiest people will probably leave your life as quickly as they come into it.

At 4:30 security starts to usher everyone off the carpet. This is when the world's brightest stars rush by ā€” convenient! I yelled hello to Jennifer Aniston as she zoomed past us. I've been waiting to see her in real life since I was 9 years old. She heard my call and turned around and waved at me. YES ME. JUST ME. ONLY ME. I AM SPECIAL. It was one second in my life that I will never forget. I was ready to go inside now.

4. Inside is where the party starts (obviously).

The second portion of the night was me actually sitting inside the ballroom and being there for the live event. My seat was in the back ā€” the nosebleeds, as some might say ā€” but positioned pretty well to see all the famous people walking back and forth to the bar and smoking area. If the Golden Globes were an episode of Cribs, those two areas would be the bed. You know, where ~the magic happens~. Not sex stuff, just good places to casually bump into Joshua Jackson or Adrien Brody.

5. I might have a body temperature problem?

Apparently everyone on TV last night looked like a sweaty mess. It must have been cooler where I was sitting. At one point I even put my jacket over my shoulders (chic) because I was chilly enough to want to do that.

Sorry, Frances McDormand, but I just can't relate!

6. You won't get the fancy dinner.

I arrived at my seat to find that all three courses of the dinner had been served and TAKEN AWAY ALREADY. I looked around for a waiter to beg for some bread, but alas, none came over. It wasn't until 25 minutes later and several grumpy texts to my mom complaining about how hungry I was that I realized there was food in the bar room. Thank god. I went back several times because if I hadn't I probably would have stormed the stage and/or punched Emily Blunt in the face out of hunger rage. And I love Emily Blunt!!

7. Wear shoes that don't make you want to chop off your own feet Ć  la Saw.

I am not Emma Stone or Emma Watson or even any other Emma. Nobody cares about my feet. I could have seven webbed toes and not a single person would have noticed. Wearing heels to that party will be one of my biggest regrets in life. Do you know how difficult it is to carry small plates of food while going through the afformentioned hunger rage, while also meandering through a sea of models and actors while wearing shoes that make you waddle? I've never been more terrified in my life. For this reason I chose to sit for the majority of the show. TAKE NOTE: JUST BE COMFY.

8. You will see everyone and anyone. Except Reese Witherspoon, she's a ghost. These are the things I saw throughout the night just by sitting in my seat and kind of minding my own business.

惻Kit Harington (Jon Snow on Game of Thrones) standing at the bar. Later on in the night he walked by my table, and we made eye contact, I'm sure of it.

惻Alan Cumming carrying eight bottles of water. This isn't an exaggeration. He was literally carrying eight bottles of water from the bar area back to his table (probably). What a good tablemate he must have been, keeping everyone hydrated. He got up a lot during the night. He doesn't realize it, but we were within three feet of each other about six times during the night.

惻Rosamund Pike just standing there.

惻Kate Beckinsale wandering around the top level. At one point she stood by the stairs and waited until a commercial break to take her seat. She was glowing. Or maybe it was the filter I used on my phone.

惻Joshua Jackson walking back and forth from the bar/food area to the tables area. He's tall. Toward the end of the night Diane Kruger joined him as they left.

惻Paul Rudd. I saw Paul Rudd.

惻And Chris Pratt. Him too.

惻And Robert Downey Jr.

惻Allison Janney and Anna Faris being really cute together and talking to a bunch of people.



惻Channing Tatum holding his wife's dress train as they walked up the stairs. Kind of made me like that potato head.

惻Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy unsure of which table was theirs after getting up from it, and Felicity figuring it out and saying, "It's that one."

惻Mark Ruffalo and wife dodging through the crowd to go somewhere.

惻Everyone getting their train stepped on. Including Kristen Wiig. This is a picture of Kristen Wiig approximately 0.2 seconds after someone stepped on her dress.

惻Kristen Wiig talking to Bill Hader and Louis C.K.

惻Also Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader heading back to the tables and running into Liev Schreiber. They talked. I gazed and took these creepy pictures.

惻Adrien Brody running by.

惻Jennifer Lopez floating through.

惻Robin Wright brushing past me.

惻Jemima Kirke (Jessa from Girls) stopping for no one as she walked through the room. I nearly collided with her once. And now that I reflect on that moment I wish I had.

惻Uzo Aduba and Taylor Schilling standing by the stairs before a commercial break. They were talking and laughing and seemed to be good friends. Crazy Eyes and Dandelion back together again.

惻Katherine Heigl being really friendly to random balding men.

惻Katherine Heigl being approached by Chrissy Tiegen and hugging her and Common and John Legend chatted with some other people next to them.

惻Katherine Heigl taking a stray piece of hair off her dress.

惻Katherine Heigl smiling!

惻Katherine Heigl making me question why I never liked Katherine Heigl.

9. And finally ā€” George Clooney thinks I'm a winner.

In his acceptance speech he said something along the lines of everyone in the room being a winner. THAT MEANS ME. I WAS IN THE ROOM TOO. I AM A WINNER. Losers don't take amazing pictures like this.

All photos (blurry and not) by me.

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