1.Look, ice cream probably isn't evil. It probably doesn't represent all the darkness of the world, coming together to break down reality, tearing at the fabric of the world and casting souls into eternal torment.
2.But what if it did?
3.What if Satan himself was using ice cream as a conduit to take over the world and crush the life from all humans alive today?
4.This is in fact the manifestation of pure villany.
5.This is the arrival of a demon eater of ten thousand souls.
6.This is death, manifest on earth.
7.Satan, demonstrated in our material realm.
8.All the forces of darkness, ruling us using that which we once trusted.
9.Nothing is safe from the darkness.
10.Nothing is safe from the burning of happiness, the immolation of all that is good in the world.
11.Ice cream is a pathway for the devil himself to arrive in the world.
12.Using all his power to find your weakest spot and make you suffer.
13.So is it the work of demons? Are demons inhabiting ice cream?
14.This must be part of a secret plan emanting from Hell, surely?
15.This can't be a coincidence - nothing this evil and filled with malice could come out of the real world?
16.You can just feel the evil.
17.This ice cream wants the sea to boil, and the land to bake, and the sky to fill with flame and smoke.
18.This dairy treat wants nothing more than to make a path for the dark lord himself, to build a bridge from hell for an innumerable host of fiends to wreak revenge upon every soul found on this planet.
19.This ice cream wants you to burn for eternity, to forget all happiness, all joy, all hope, and leave you empty and miserable and hollow.
20.This the end times, the last moments, the final darkness descending before all that is left is smoke and hellbeasts and crisis.
21.The devil is coming through ice cream and he will not stop until every damned soul writhes in eternal misery.