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The Definitive Ranking Of Tesco Sandwiches

This ranking is definitive. And by definitive, I mean entirely opinion-based.

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This ranking is of every sandwich available on the Tesco website, and so probably in stores.

However, we are excluding;

– The rolls, because they are just masses of bread.

– Healthy eating, because they're basically the same as the regular versions.

– Finest, because they're the sandwiches of the bourgeoisie.

– Limited editions, because they're pretty hard to find most of the time.

34. Just Chicken

tesco.com

This is the abyss, the blank void of the universe in the form of a reasonably-priced sandwich. It's impossible to even read the name without imagining it being mumbled, sadly, by an ageing, recently divorced man in a T-shirt that's going at the neck, in an empty flat. "Just chicken," he sighs, before turning to look at the last picture he ever took of her. "No mayo," he murmurs, trying to switch on Sky Sports News, before remembering it's not on Freeview any more, and settling for a Top Gear rerun from 2005.

32. Sausage, Bacon & Egg Triple

tesco.com

This is the cheekiest Tesco sandwich. It has the most banter. But no one needs this to be a triple. This is a spectacularly unnecessary triple. It feels like what you want on a hangover, but as you chew through lumps of hard sausage buried in a half-loaf of bread, you realise, much too late, that that feeling was wrong.

31. Smokehouse Pulled Pork With BBQ Sauce / Smokehouse Pulled Chicken With Mesquite Sauce

These are not common sandwiches. In fact, I have never eaten them. I can't find anyone who has. But they are on Tesco's website, so here we are. Pulled pork is goddamn everywhere now, though, so it really doesn't need to be in Tesco sandwiches, especially not with cheese as well. And pulled chicken doesn't even make sense.

30. Salmon & Cucumber

tesco.com

Many foods can take being processed and placed between two slices of bread. Some are even improved. Salmon is not one of them. This sandwich tastes faintly fishy, and is more moist than is comfortable.

29. All Day Breakfast

tesco.com

This is the one you always seem to see first and are slightly tempted by, but holy hell, it does not live up to its promise. When the sausages are cut up and chilled, they become truly bizarre, combining the grease of a sausage with the consistency of a snail in the late stages of rigor mortis. Also, they're too big, which, combined with the slightly squashed bread and rigid bacon, makes the damn thing fall apart.

28. Ploughman's

tesco.com

This should be good. Should be so good. But a ploughman's sandwich doesn't have mayonnaise in it, just like a real ploughman's doesn't have coleslaw screwing it up. It doesn't taste especially bad, but can you really get past the offence against true British dignity this represents?

27. Free Range Egg Mayonnaise

tesco.com

If you're going to make a sandwich with only a single ingredient, something like egg mayonnaise is perfect. And this is a decent example, let down primarily by the generally stingy amount of actual filling.

26. Roast Chicken & Stuffing Triple

tesco.com

Not all triples are bad, honest. But this is. Live a little. Buy a double and get a yoghurt or something. Love yourself. You don't need to chow down on the three whole sandwiches comprised only of chicken and stuffing.

23. Sausage & Caramelised Onion With Mustard Mayo

tesco.com

It feels like a food scientist had to abandon all his expertise to agree to make this. His boss told him to make a sandwich with only sausages, just sausages, despite them being the worst meat Tesco has available. "And some caramelised onions!" he said, as the food scientist wondered internally why cold, boiled onions will be a good thing.

"Maybe some mustard?" the scientist replied hopefully, knowing a pungent, spicy mustard might save it. "Only if it's basically just mayo instead," said his boss, who's got a gut and a framed photo of the time he met Boris Johnson, and cheats on his wife in Radisson hotel rooms he puts on the company credit card.

"Brown bread?" asked the desperate food scientist, knowing that he'll be told white bread is the way to go, as though what this needs is oddly sweet stodge on top.

"It'll be great!" exclaimed his boss on his way out of the lab, pausing only to contaminate a carefully made sauce, tasting it with a sweaty little finger.

The food scientist bent to his task, eyes moistening slightly. Once, he dreamed of curing cancer.

22. Honey Roast Ham & Egg

tesco.com

It's perfectly fine, but suffers dramatically from not being egg and bacon, which is clearly the superior version. This is what you buy when you were going to get egg and bacon but you only got there at ten to two and they'd run out.

21. Prawn Mayonnaise on Oatmeal Bread

tesco.com

Simplicity works for this sandwich, and while they're not the most delicious prawns, if you're in the mood for it, this can really hit the spot. That said, mayonnaise. Again.

20. Just Ham

tesco.com

Unlike Just Chicken, this doesn't feel tragic, just minimalist. It's the end stage of an experiment to produce the platonic minimal sandwich. It's good. Also, it costs a quid.

19. Ploughman's (No Mayo)

tesco.com

See, this is how to do a ploughman's sandwich, with pickle. However, the cheese isn't great, and while it works when added to other quite flavourful ingredients like salad and pickle, it's not the most exciting thing they do.

18. Chicken & Bacon Mayonnaise

tesco.com

Tesco loves chicken. Tesco loves bacon. They love combining the two, often with mayonnaise. This is the purest distillation of that. It's pretty good, but you can't help thinking of all the variations with other stuff instead.

16. Tikka Chicken & Mango Chutney

tesco.com

This is worthy of praise as a valiant attempt. Someone, somewhere, worked damn hard to do the impossible and reduce an entire nation's millennia-old cuisine to fit between two pieces of bread and get flogged for £2. They came close, but unsurprisingly it's a bit lacking, a shadow of the incredible food it's referencing, and it suffers for the comparison.

15. Ham, Cheese & Tomato

tesco.com

As obsessively as Tesco adds mayonnaise to everything, this is the one time it doesn't, and it fucks up the sandwich. You end up chewing drying cheese and drier bread. Why. No. Mayo.

Also, the fact that tomato appears in so few Tesco sandwiches is deeply suspicious.

14. Tuna & Sweetcorn

tesco.com

This falls between simple and good, and complicated and good, and is somehow just OK. Whenever you buy it, it's just 90% as good as you wanted it to be. Never perfect. Just...OK, yes, I'm not hungry any more.

11. Tuna & Cucumber

tesco.com

If you like tuna, this is pretty good. It's very tuna-y. So tuna-y, in fact, that it's almost suspiciously tuna-y. Like it's had tuna concentrate added to it. (If that's a thing. It's probably not a thing.) Cucumber is better than sweetcorn in this instance, however.

10. Cheese Triple

tesco.com

Triples, when there is some variation in flavour between them, can be pretty good. In many ways, the freedom to choose which slightly different cheese sandwich to eat first, second, and third is the logical end point for democracy.

9. Roast Chicken, Bacon & Stuffing

tesco.com

A perfect example of when adding bacon just really helps. Combining bacon and stuffing shouldn't make sense, but it actually works. Also a contender for best hangover sandwich.

7. Cheese & Onion

tesco.com

A surprisingly excellent option. Sure, it's not huge, but it's perfect for a quick snack, say, if you're headed to a two-hour meeting in a few minutes and you just want something to get you through. Or it's half 10 at night and you're headed to the next pub, and you don't really want to eat eat, but also, everything is slightly blurry and you just know tomorrow's hangover is going to be a bit rough already.

6. Chicken & Sweetcorn

tesco.com

Look, we all know sweetcorn is actually the best vegetable, right? It goes on everything, it improves everything. Sweetcorn and chicken is a combination that just works, even if, once again, it does involve a hell of a lot of mayonnaise.

4. Ham, Cheese & Pickle

tesco.com

A testament to what can be done without mayonnaise. It's actually a better intepretation of the concept of a ploughman's lunch than the actual ploughman's lunch. Ham, cheese, lettuce, bit of pickle. Boom. Done.

2. Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato

tesco.com

Look, the BLT is an easy one. They threw this together and went to the pub for an early lunch. Sure, the generous portions of bacon means it has a habit of falling apart, but also, generous portions of bacon.

1. Chicken, Bacon & Lettuce

tesco.com

It's possible to argue this isn't the best sandwich Tesco produces. It's possible, but the thing is, there's no more Tesco sandwich. It's got mayo. It's got chicken, combined with bacon, combined with actually really good, fresh-tasting lettuce. It's not trying to be complicated.

It's just a great sandwich that's never disappointing.

After all, it's Tesco. Creativity isn't what we're after here. We just want something that you can pick up with a packet of crisps (after considering the "healthy" options for just long enough to pretend you might actually get them) and a drink and get back to your desk a few minutes later, so you can get back to work and don't feel guilty about suggesting the pub 10 minutes early that evening.

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