14. Cable Car.
Cons: It’s the most pointless thing in London. It goes from nowhere to basically nowhere, takes longer than any alternative, it means there is now an advert on the tube map, it cost London a fortune to put up and yet still costs a fortune to actually ride. IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A VIEW, unless you’re really into industrial estates and mudbanks. It’s Boris Johnson’s ego, in the form of a high-tech turd stretched across the river. Fuck you, Boris, and the fucking dangleway you rode in on.
Pros: You can sit in your own little bubble where the wind and the rain and the chronic ennui can’t touch you.
Cons: Can’t drink if you’re driving. You will start to re-assess your life choices when sitting in stationary traffic every morning, and the results won’t be good. Especially when you start thinking about parking as well.
Pros: Quite quick and quite useful, especially if you live somewhere you can cut through a park, and really pick up speed near the grass.
Cons: They are roller-blades. It is 2014.
Pros: Really quick, and loads of fun every single time. Makes you look like a Bond villain.
Cons: Bit pricey. Not all that many landing pads.
Pros: Will take you more or less anywhere you need to go, and you can sit in the back and pretend you’re important as you drive past all the peasants who are walking. You can fade out for a bit, since you don’t need to think about actually doing anything.
Cons: Late at night, they will never show up exactly where you need them. You will also be forced to start selling your internal organs to pay for taxis after about the third trip.
Pros: Secretly an amazing way to travel — it’s above ground, so there’s light, it’s reliable, it’s comfortable and there’s even an Ikea right by the line.
Cons: It’s secret for a reason. It is so, so far away. It only links to the very end of Overground, and is actually miles away from everything that might be mildly useful. Except Ikea.
Pros: So cool. You get to go on a little holiday every time you get on it, and get some fresh-ish air blowing on your face.
Cons: Isn’t really that practical. You need to be going to a very small number of places, from a very small number of places. And they all need to be on the river, because water.
Pros: This seems weird, but it’s a genuinely excellent way to travel in the city. All the maneuverability of a bike, but with less danger, and a much easier vehicle to store.
Cons: You will look like a 14 year-old who listens to Blink-182, so you won’t really have any professional credibility any more. Whether or not that matters is up to you.
Pros: You feel like you are getting somewhere much quicker than people on the Underground. It probably only saves you a few minutes, but you feel so smart. And your Oyster Card works on it.
Cons: It’s pretty rare that it actually goes where you need. And you need to plan ahead to make sure you can catch it, which LOL.
5. Regular Bus.
Pros: Everywhere. Literally everywhere. There is nowhere in London that buses don’t reach. They are the stubborn rash of the capital.
Cons: They are not especially reliable — timetables are more of a general approximation than anything else. And if they’re full, they just drive straight past. Which is the single most soul-shattering experience you can have in London.
Pros: It basically feels like a hack for the city. It’s quicker to get everywhere, you can take short cuts, and all the time feel the wind in your hair.
Cons: You will probably die.
3. Night Bus.
Pros: Will save you from a hopeless night when all else is lost.
Cons: You will be travelling with drunks, thieves and goblins, on a truly disturbing ride home. Or at least, the first of many rides. You will need to take at least three different buses to you get back to anywhere you actually want to be.
Pros: Very cheap, and makes you feel like a healthy, responsible adult.
Cons: Not actually healthy since you’re surrounded by car exhausts, and you arrive everywhere covered in a thin film of sweat, like a lightly basted duck. You can also only do it on the 19 days of the year when it’s not raining, which is not super-practical.
Pros: It’s very quick and can get you to most places in the city, even the netherworld of Zone 9.
Cons: It’s a series of metal tubes, rammed with people who hate each other, you, themselves, where they’re going, where they’ve come from, and everything. It’s all sweaty, and everyone is weirdly quiet so it’s actually kind of creepy. But it does get you there…