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If Jeremy Corbyn Ran Your Local Pub

"The Dog & The Labour Theory Of Value."

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If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would be one of those old man pubs that inexplicably becomes popular with young people. The regulars would be baffled but quietly happy.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would still be a photo from 1996 on the wall, of the time two members of The Levellers played a few songs.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, all the staff would be on excellent wages, wages that would mean they'd all be able to afford to live close to the pub. And they'd have been trained on a full wage as well.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the tips would be shared out equally. The kitchen would get their share as well, because it's important that wealth is distributed to everyone.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a dog.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the jukebox would be free, paid for by the pub itself.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the regulars would have been saying for years that if only more people knew about the pub, and really understood what a good pub it was, it would become the most popular pub in the whole country.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, some of the regulars would secretly hope that it never became popular, preferring it as it was.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the pub would express solidarity with the small grocery shop opposite it.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the price of premium drinks would be increased as a tax on the wealthy, and the increased income would subsidise the cost of basic drinks.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, customers would worry that this structure was actually exclusionary, and was preventing the workers from enjoying the finest results of their labours.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a protracted discussion with the customers about how best to resolve this, concluding that all pricing structures are inherently flawed. Eventually, another model would emerge. It would be based on ensuring everyone gets a drink, and then running through a complex price progression, for each individual, designed to ensure that the most ardent consumers of resources pay the most. It would all fall apart around pint 6 as everyone gets too confused to manage it.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be no scotch eggs available at the bar. But it would make its own crisps, from potatoes that Jeremy Corbyn grew in his allotment.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would be mandatory to tear your crisp packet open and share them with your table.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a well-organised and well-intentioned program dedicated to getting more chairs. There would be enough chairs for everyone.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be an equitable choice for every single type of drink, so all would be catered for. There would be three lagers, three stouts, three white wines, three vodkas. But the plan would have problems when Jeremy Corbyn proves unable to find a third supplier of mead, and fall apart completely over a debate about whether cognac counts as a type of brandy, or a separate drink.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, he would make mead in the back.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, he would eventually run an entire brewery from the cellar, establishing complete control over the production of beer.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, the managers of the bland chain pub down the road would be utterly perplexed by the fact people want to drink in Jeremy Corbyn's pub. "But our pub is obviously what people want," they'd say. "We've done extensive market research. Why are all these people drinking in a pub that can never be popular?"

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, sometimes the managers of the bland chain pub down the road would try and tempt drinkers away from Jeremy Corbyn's pub, by standing outside it calling them stupid.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be a lot of wood. Well-maintained wood.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would be no football on TV. Every now and again, someone would come in, and ask if they were showing the football. They'd leave, a few minutes later, questioning why they ever followed a game that so nakedly rewarded the worst of capitalist impulses. They'd probably also have a pamphlet, and a slightly glazed look.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there'd be really well-made tea, available free to everyone. "But Jeremy Corbyn," you'd say, "I thought proper tea was theft?" And Jeremy Corbyn would smile at you tolerantly, but with slight disappointment in his eyes.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would really struggle to stick to last call. The bell would be rung, and everyone would get one more drink. Then a few minutes after 11, someone would ask for another. Then another a bit later. With an avuncular look in his eye, he'd say "OK, just one more then." And he'd say the same twenty minutes after that.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, there would never be a fight. As soon as tension started to build, Jeremy Corbyn would lay a weathered, calming hand on their shoulders, and solve their argument through well-reasoned, caring discussion. They'd sit back down, and carry on their drinking.

If Jeremy Corbyn ran your local pub, it would be fucking excellent.

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