back to top

Here's Why Australia Shouldn't Be In Eurovision

It turns out, Australia might not be in Europe.

Posted on

It's time for Eurovision! Prepare for glitter, unnecessarily elongated vowels, and centuries of complex political machinations solved by a phone vote!

RTE / Via dailyedge.ie

But this year there's a problem, as the sanctum of Eurovision has been infiltrated by some goddamn Australians.

Australians look like this, and they're the worst.
instagram.com

Australians look like this, and they're the worst.

Up to this point, Eurovision has been for European countries. The clue is in the name. Euro-vision. Like Euro-pe. Euro.

Now, using a world map, there might be an issue here.

Thinkstock

If you look at a map of Europe really closely, it seems that Australia is not on the map.

Or at least, I can't find it.
Nubumbim / Getty Images

Or at least, I can't find it.

Briefly, I thought this might be Australia, but it turns out it was actually a sad indictment of my educational failings from Year 5.

Thinkstock

The issue is even clearer when you look at a globe. Australia does look like it's a long way from Europe.

Even on old maps, Australia isn't in Europe.

Rtimages / Getty Images

Using a different map projection still seems to indicate that Australia is not in Europe.

Photodisc / Getty Images

Turning the map upside down did not change where Australia was located in the world.

Ildogesto / Getty Images

Using Photoshop's warp tool, Australia could be moved into Europe, but the downside of this is the deaths of billions of people as the planet is torn apart.

Iart101 / Getty Images

We need to be certain where Europe is, maybe that's the problem. Let's work it out. The north and west are easy - everything below the Arctic, and everything east of the Atlantic.

Iceland is in, Greenland isn't. Cool.
google.co.uk

Iceland is in, Greenland isn't. Cool.

In the east and south, it's "the watershed divides of the Ural and Caucasus Mountains, the Ural River, the Caspian and Black Seas, and the Bosporus waterway connecting the Black and Aegean Seas."

So, bits of Russia and Turkey are definitely in. Georgia and Azerbaijan are on the border, so let's let that slide. Armenia is a bit tenuous. Israel is nearly in, but only if you assume everything mediterranean counts, so really, Tunisia should be in if that's your criteria. Kazakhstan has a better shout, to be honest.
google.co.uk

So, bits of Russia and Turkey are definitely in. Georgia and Azerbaijan are on the border, so let's let that slide. Armenia is a bit tenuous. Israel is nearly in, but only if you assume everything mediterranean counts, so really, Tunisia should be in if that's your criteria. Kazakhstan has a better shout, to be honest.

So, the big question - IS AUSTRALIA IN THIS AREA?

No. Because, you see, this is Australia.

Thinkstock

This is where Europe is. It's an entirely different place.

Thinkstock

Look, they're not same place at all.

Thinkstock

Europe contains many places, but none of those places are Australia.

Thinkstock

It's not in fucking Europe.

Thinkstock

It's literally ten thousand kilometres away.

Why the fuck is Australia in Eurovision? Seriously, what the shit is happening? Why is this suddenly a thing?

Oh, maybe we can just be innovative, maybe we can try something new, but why, WHY? It's not like bringing in a country that's on the edge of Europe, that's just a bit new. It's entirely on the other side of the fucking planet! Sure, it's just Eurovision. BUT FUCKING WHAT. The time isn't even going to make sense, those fuckers are going to be in bed when it's on. #innovation #makingnewfriends #fuckeverything.