It's time for Eurovision! Prepare for glitter, unnecessarily elongated vowels, and centuries of complex political machinations solved by a phone vote!
But this year there's a problem, as the sanctum of Eurovision has been infiltrated by some goddamn Australians.
Up to this point, Eurovision has been for European countries. The clue is in the name. Euro-vision. Like Euro-pe. Euro.
Now, using a world map, there might be an issue here.
If you look at a map of Europe really closely, it seems that Australia is not on the map.
Briefly, I thought this might be Australia, but it turns out it was actually a sad indictment of my educational failings from Year 5.
The issue is even clearer when you look at a globe. Australia does look like it's a long way from Europe.
Even on old maps, Australia isn't in Europe.
Using a different map projection still seems to indicate that Australia is not in Europe.
Turning the map upside down did not change where Australia was located in the world.
Using Photoshop's warp tool, Australia could be moved into Europe, but the downside of this is the deaths of billions of people as the planet is torn apart.
We need to be certain where Europe is, maybe that's the problem. Let's work it out. The north and west are easy - everything below the Arctic, and everything east of the Atlantic.
In the east and south, it's "the watershed divides of the Ural and Caucasus Mountains, the Ural River, the Caspian and Black Seas, and the Bosporus waterway connecting the Black and Aegean Seas."
So, the big question - IS AUSTRALIA IN THIS AREA?
No. Because, you see, this is Australia.
This is where Europe is. It's an entirely different place.
Look, they're not same place at all.
Europe contains many places, but none of those places are Australia.
It's not in fucking Europe.
It's literally ten thousand kilometres away.
Why the fuck is Australia in Eurovision? Seriously, what the shit is happening? Why is this suddenly a thing?
Oh, maybe we can just be innovative, maybe we can try something new, but why, WHY? It's not like bringing in a country that's on the edge of Europe, that's just a bit new. It's entirely on the other side of the fucking planet! Sure, it's just Eurovision. BUT FUCKING WHAT. The time isn't even going to make sense, those fuckers are going to be in bed when it's on. #innovation #makingnewfriends #fuckeverything.