10 Songs That Get Me in the Mood

Wanna fuck me? Be sure to play one of these songs beforehand (plus feed me a cocktail or twelve).

Kilo Ali - Love in Ya Mouth

I mean, how more romantic a lyric could you ask for than, "She ready to eat it whenever I skeet it"? This song may have been released in 1997, but I take full credit for integrating it into the musical vernacular of my high school five years later.

While it's sort of jarring to have Hannah Montana singing about being unable to be tamed in her nasal-y sexy voice, this song nonetheless solicits plenty of hair-flinging and my riding a cock like a champion.

True story: I lost my virginity to a girl with this song on a loop in the background at 14. The experience was obviously comprised of a lot of fumbling about, but I've found that this song in my mature sexual life has provided ample background music in a few instances, though now I feel as though it makes for a better soundtrack as a precursor to sex than the actual act.

Britney Spears - Breathe on Me

If you were ever curious as to what a drunken meeting between Matt Stopera and I would be like, look no further than this video. I remember when this performance was très, très scandalous, and to give credit where it's due, it remains one of Britney's racier performances. While solely breathing on someone in your personal life in an attempt to get them off is likely to fail, Britney's vocals on this song are enough to make me jizz hands-free.

Avicii (with Adam Lambert and Nile Rodgers)

If disco-era Diana Ross and classic Liberace had a love-child, it'd be this song. Toss me around and power top me, please.

A double-minority (black and female) asserting her sexual prowess? Scandalous! Not really. This song actually just reminds me of the crazy-as-hell sex life I had before I became a complete fuddy-duddy (the fact I used that term is telling), though unfortunately I've never had a Puerto Rican papi who used to be a deacon, who is now sucking me off on the weekend.

5ive - When the Lights Go Out

My two-week long obsession with 5ive began as a preteen after seeing Smart House where the perpetually hot-as-balls Ryan Merriman and two extras danced to "Slam Dunk (Da Funk)". You may want to brace yourself before watching the choreography I'm referencing, because it's some mindblowingly intricate shit. Anyway, I'd probably have agreed to getting gangbanged by all of the members of 5ive back in the day and probably still Abz Love present-day because I'm a sucker for white trash with tattoos (plus a British accent -- swoon!)..

soulDecision - Faded

I distinctly recall middle school dances in which this song would play a minimum of four times per hour. Full disclosure: the DJ that persistently played this song and pretty much DJ'd all of our school dances was later arrested years for child porn (true story). So that's kind of creepy. In any case, in my church-induced moral haze, I thought that the lyric, "Don't you think it's time we went a little bit further?" insinuated a progression from fruit punch to Coca-Cola. It wasn't until I broke out of my ignorance that I realized the entire song is about fucking.

Britney knew exactly what she was doing when she recorded this song: making a sex anthem. If I had to surmise this song in five words or less it'd be "a stripper's anthem."

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing

Because, duh.

Obviously I'm not a hard lay.