5 Ways "The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies" Lets Down Feminism

Let's admit it: the last Hobbit movie really dropped the ball with its female characters. From Galadriel to Tauriel (because really, who else is there?), even powerful female characters play second-fiddle to their male counterparts. Thanks, patriarchy.

Spoilers ahead! If you haven't seen the movie or want to continue praising Peter Jackson as a feminist icon, don't read on.

The problems with female representation in The Hobbit really shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone, being that every. single film. of The Lord of the Rings failed to pass a simple Bechdel test. Still, times change, people evolve, and even male-dominated film franchises embrace equal representation of women and minorities...right?

Wrong. Here are 5 ways The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies should really grind your feminist gears.

1. Galadriel's underwhelming fight scene.

Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via wild1067.com

Galadriel can bring it when she needs to. Nobody doubts this -- anyone familiar with her actions at the Kinslaying at Alqualondë (nerd moment) is familiar with her ability to throw down. Add this to the notion that she's also arguably the most powerful elf in Middle-earth during the Third Age, and we should all be gearing for the best boss battle since Buffy faced off against Glory in Season 5. So what went wrong? After bodily lifting Gandalf from the ground, Galadriel is overcome at the appearance of the Nazgûl and spends the entirety of the physical battle lying on the ground while Elrond and a 90-year-old Christopher Lee defend her with sword and staff. Sure, she sends Sauron flying off to the northern wastes a few minutes later, but that doesn't excuse the fact that we literally see her agency stripped from her moments before. Come on, Peter.

2. Tauriel.

Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via static2.hypable.com

I'm not knocking the notion of an original character in The Hobbit. Peter Jackson deserves credit for the decision to add a female character to the mix, especially one who seems so initially badass as Tauriel. But while she enters the films as a spider-slaying, tree-swinging warrior elf, she is quickly turned into nothing more than a potential love interest for Kili. Tauriel is a big step forward from Arwen, sure -- she actively fights, she spends a good deal of her time ignoring authority, and she hasn't got anything against pulling a weapon on the snotty Elvenking -- but when the final movie reduces her entire purpose to a reason for Kili's death (a sacrifice for love, obviously), we've got a problem. I love you Tauriel, but not like this. Not like this.

3. The women of Lake-town.

Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via wordpress.com

During the final battle, when all hope seems lost, the women of Laketown rally and rush to join the battle, determined to protect their lives and homes. Except that what they're really protecting, what's really motivating them, is their decision to fight and die alongside their men. That's nearly a direct quote. They do not fight for glory, nor for honor, nor even for themselves -- the big reason they decide to careen into the middle of war is to die supporting their men. Why, P.J.? Why?

4. That time it almost passed the Bechdel test...but didn't.

Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via herr-der-ringe-film.de

When the women of Lake-town rally, you get that gut-rushing moment of elation. They're about to fight! But then you realize it's just to defend their men. Still, you think, that one lady is about to talk to that other one! Tolkien's work is finally about to pass the Bechdel test! Only then you realize that one of the women is actually just a petty male villain in disguise. There's a lot to be said here about the use of male cross-dressing to suggest cowardice and humorous villainy, but even on the surface level, we were so close. So close, yet so far.

5. Bard's children.

Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via images.fandango.com

Bard the Bowman, hero of Lake-town, and surely the father of some pretty cool kids. And while I'm sure they are, only Bain, Bard's on-screen son, gets the screen time to show off his courage and fighting chops. Both Sigrid and Tilda, Bard's daughters, spend a majority of their screen time screaming, running, or clutching one another and calling for their father. Which is understandable, really, when your town was just burned to the ground by a dragon and you're spending most of your time evading murderous orcs. But Bain doesn't crumble under pressure, so why should the daughters? So many questions, but never any answers.

The moral of this story: Peter Jackson may make some questionable decisions, but Tolkien will always be my precious.