5 Reasons Liberals Need To Vote For Trump

It's time to move beyond the myths and take a fair, reasoned look at what Donald Trump can do for the country in 2016.

With Super Tuesday behind us, a picture of the likely nominees for each party is beginning to take shape. While he's certainly not out of the woods yet, Republican front-runner Donald Trump does seem poised to win his party's nomination. However, with the recent ship-jumping trend growing in certain circles of pundits, politicians and other politically correct cowards, it's highly possible that Duck Dynasty-backed Ted Cruz could sneak his way into the general election just like his dad snuck into America. So, to remind those of you who seem to have lost your way, let me recap the top 5 reasons you should still be voting for The Don.

5. HE UNDERSTANDS SCIENCE

"THE CONCEPT OF GLOBAL WARMING WAS CREATED BY AND FOR THE CHINESE IN ORDER TO MAKE U.S. MANUFACTURING NON-COMPETITIVE." – DONALD J. TRUMP

Don't believe him? Consider the facts: scientists claim there is a hole in the ozone layer and that cows farting and people driving are cooking the Earth. There's a quick and easy way to see how ridiculous that is. Get into bed and pull the covers over your head. Now fart. Sucks, huh? It's smelly and hot under there. Okay, now cut a hole in the blanket. Less smelly and hot, isn't it? Congratulations, you just debunked global warming.

4. HE’S A PHILOSOPHER THAT LIKES TO PARTY

"I TRY TO LEARN FROM THE PAST, BUT I PLAN FOR THE FUTURE BY FOCUSING EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PRESENT. THAT'S WHERE THE FUN IS." – DONALD J. TRUMP

People like to frequently bring up Trump's past—bankruptcies, mild racism, overt sexism, empty threats, slightly inaccurate facts, etc. And yeah, the past gets a lot of attention in our society, but it's actually super fucking boring. So get over it. He did.

3. HE’S FIRM BUT FAIR

“WHEN MEXICO SENDS ITS PEOPLE, THEY’RE NOT SENDING THE BEST. THEY’RE NOT SENDING YOU, THEY’RE SENDING PEOPLE THAT HAVE LOTS OF PROBLEMS AND THEY’RE BRINGING THOSE PROBLEMS WITH THEM. THEY’RE BRINGING DRUGS. THEY’RE BRINGING CRIME. THEY’RE RAPISTS. AND SOME, I ASSUME, ARE GOOD PEOPLE.” – DONALD J. TRUMP

Trump doesn’t hate Mexicans. He just hates bad Mexicans. It’s not Donny’s fault most Mexicans are terrible human beings. Like he said, if you want to legally come to America so that you can pursue your pathetic dream of making burritos or cleaning hotel rooms, fine. But, those aren’t the folks Mexico is sending over. They’re sending rapey coke heads and freeloading landscapers.

2. HE’S NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE MANUAL LABOR

“I WILL BUILD A GREAT WALL, AND NOBODY BUILDS WALLS BETTER THAN ME, BELIEVE ME. AND I’LL BUILD THEM VERY INEXPENSIVELY. I WILL BUILD A GREAT, GREAT WALL ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER, AND I WILL MAKE MEXICO PAY FOR THAT WALL. MARK MY WORDS.” – DONALD J. TRUMP

Damn! I’m at half-mast just reading that powerful-ass shit. Give me a second.

Okay, thanks. So, Trump’s not actually going to physically build the wall because that would be ridiculous. There’s an entire country full of Mexicans right below California. He’ll just get them to build it. But it was his idea, kind of, and so it’s basically like he’s building it. The point is he’s a man’s man in a world of sissified girlie men.

1. HE DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE BASED ON BELIEFS

TRUMP: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT GROUP YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU WOULDN’T WANT ME TO CONDEMN A GROUP THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT…”

LIBERAL SCUM: “I’M JUST TALKING ABOUT DAVID DUKE AND THE KU KLUX KLAN HERE.”

TRUMP: “HONESTLY, I DON’T KNOW DAVID DUKE.”

This is the quote that seems to have DJ Trump in the hot seat lately, but frankly, I just don’t get… actually, I can’t.

The thing is, this isn't even funny. He and the other lunatics competing for the Republican nomination are so unapologetically fucked up, unintelligent, unaware, shallow, disrespectful, full of shit, willfully ignorant, anti-intellectual and terrifying that I don't know how to exaggerate it. By openly being walking pools of diarrhea-marinated vomit, they've effectively made themselves satire-proof. I mean, what are we supposed to do with a guy whose campaign is so similar to Hitler's that the people who witnessed, firsthand, the dictator's rise to power are genuinely fearful of America's upcoming election?

So that's it, I guess. Donald Trump is officially the least fun dude in America. If anyone needs me I'll be at Hockey Haven trying to drink myself into 2020. Come on by if you fancy getting miserable.