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    Feb 2, 2015

    The 14 Terrifying Stages Of Meeting A New Baby

    For those of us who aren't naturally "baby people."

    1. You're introduced to said baby.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    Various thoughts run through your head: What do I say? Do I make eye contact? Why is it making that face? Is it choking on something? Should I tell their parents it looks like it's choking on something?

    2. Said baby is shoved forth toward you.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    What do I do now? Does it like to be poked like the Pillsbury Doughboy? Or pet like a cat?

    3. You decide to pet the baby like a cat.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    4. You have to explain why you're petting the baby like a cat.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    "I don't know, I thought they like that?"

    5. You're asked IF YOU WANT TO HOLD IT?!

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    ...Erm, yes? Maybe? Will it break?

    6. You have a telepathic conversation with the baby telling it you're about to hold it and to please not cry.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    The baby telepathically responds, "I do what I want, bitch."

    7. You try to hold the baby with confidence so it doesn't cry.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    "My overly tight grasp will make you feel safe."

    8. In approximately five seconds, the baby bursts into tears.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    9. You're not sure what to do so you start to give the baby back to the parents but hesitate several times and end up swinging the baby back and forth, making it cry harder.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    10. Until you end up just holding it out like a smelly trash bag.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    11. The parents finally take the baby back.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    12. You apologize for holding their baby like a bag of rotten potatoes.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    13. They tell you not to worry about it, and that the baby just needs a nap.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

    14. You and the baby exchange glances, both knowing the baby did not just "need a nap," but in fact did not enjoy being held by you, a complete stranger.

    Loryn Brantz/BuzzFeed

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