Using Minimal Clues To Guess What Anticipated Video Games Are About
I'm using the GameSpot 50 as reference as I give myself a crash course on video games. I'm going to guess what each game is about based only on the cover, the name, and some pictures. Strap in, because I own a Nintendo 64 still and am clearly very up-to-date with the gaming industry.
1. DESTINY
Apparently this isn't even out yet and there's a video of one of the characters doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. That seems obscene. Beyoncé hasn't even done one yet, calm down.
What I Guess It's About: I'm guessing this game is about robots teaming up with people in caftans to fight evil? In space? This is going to be like around Halloween when all of those horror movies with one word titles come out and I can't tell them apart. Insidious, Mama, Oculus, Flight, Kibble, Gazpacho, whatever. I don't know. You're not telling me anything with these one word titles, BYE.
What It's Really About: "Everything changed with the arrival of the Traveler. Long ago, it breathed new life into our system. Rain washed over Mars. Fresh air cleansed the skies over Venus. Soon after, humanity raced into the black, and colonized these newly remade worlds. It was a time of miracles – a great Golden Age. It did not last. The Traveler had an ancient enemy. A powerful darkness that found us here on Earth, and nearly destroyed us. No one knows exactly what happened in those final moments, but we know this: we survived, and we owe our lives to the Traveler. In our darkest days, Humans, Exos, and Awoken found the Traveler where it made its last stand, low above Earth, silent and immobile. We built the City – our last – within its protective veil, fighting countless wars to keep its peace. From that dark age, Guardians were born. Now, a new era has begun, and the only hope for our future lies in unlocking the greatest mysteries of our past. You are a Guardian of the last safe city on Earth, able to wield some of the Traveler's incredible power. You are taking this mantle just as a new day dawns. Titans, Hunters, and Warlocks have finally returned to our long-lost worlds, only to find out we are not alone.
Defend the last safe City on Earth. Defeat our enemies. Explore the ancient ruins of our solar system. Discover all that we have lost.
Um, okay. You do you.
2. ASSASSIN'S CREED: UNITY
What I Guess It's About: There are a bunch of assassins, and they have a club, and previously their club was divided because Rhonda (???), one of the top assassins, was hired to take out the club president's mom and it was a whole thing. Eventually, though, they all decided that they were sick of working more than 40 hours a week so they decided to unionize and THAT'S WHAT THIS GAME IS ABOUT SO EXCITING RIGHT?
What It's Really About: "Assassin's Creed: Unity is an upcoming 2014 sandbox action adventure game, and a sequel to 2013's Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag. Set during the French Revolution, the game follows nobleman Arno Dorian, who joins the Assassins to investigate the murder of his adoptive father on the behalf of his sister Élise de la Serre, a member of the Templars."
Can't believe they cut Rhonda, she was my favorite character.
3. DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION
What I Think It's About: I'm guessing there are dragons and some hard-hitting questions involved. Is this a retelling of the Spanish Inquisition but with more dragons? Or is the inquisition more like a courtroom hearing? IS THIS A VIDEO GAME THAT IS ALSO A COURTROOM DRAMA FEATURING DRAGONS? The answer is "yes." You heard it here first. It was based on the novel of the same name by John "Khaleesi" Grisham.
What It's Really About: "The epic role-playing series from BioWare takes a thrilling leap forward with the power of Frostbite 3. Beautiful vistas and incredible new possibilities await you. Ready yourself for Dragon Age: Inquisition.
A cataclysmic event plunges the land of Thedas into turmoil. Dragons darken the sky, casting a shadow over lands on the brink of chaos. Mages break into all-out war against the oppressive templars. Nations rise against one another. It falls to you and your allies to restore order as you lead the Inquisition and hunt down the agents of chaos.
BioWare’s latest action-adventure delivers an unparalleled story set in a vast, changeable landscape. Explore hidden caves, defeat truly monumental creatures, and shape the world around you based on your unique play style.
Explore, lead, and battle: Tough choices define your experience, and even one decision can change the course of what's to come."
Okay, this is saying a lot more about frostbite than I thought a game about dragons would have. Are they frost dragons? The jury's out on that one. Speaking of jury, there's no mention of courtroom drama or of Tom Cruise playing a playboy law student with a heart of gold who just wants to help the defenseless dragons so this is clearly a huge departure for our boy, John "Khaleesi" Grisham. Only time will tell if it's any good.
4. METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN
What I Think It's About: Two years ago I broke my leg in a tragic moonshine-Halloween accident and I had two surgeries. I now have a METAL plate in my leg and it causes me PHANTOM PAIN all the time. So I'm guessing this game is about that. Also probably something with guns. Also ghosts.
What It's Really About: "Metal Gear Solid 5 consists of two separate games -- Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes - an open-world entry into the Metal Gear franchise, starring Big Boss, and The Phantom Pain, a somewhat different sort of game, but in the same vein.
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain picks up 9 years after the events of Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes with Big Boss waking up from a coma. Many supernatural elements are shown in the trailer, along with several connections to Moby Dick. The Phantom Pain will be an open world, third person stealth-action game which runs on the FOX engine, where avoiding the enemy is advised rather than confronting them head on.
Little is known about actual story details, but there are a few things we can surmise based on the previous games, from where Phantom Pain falls in the MGS timeline, and from the trailers released so far. A common theme in the imagery is that Snake has become darker. He is upset, possibly even unstable, particularly after the events of Ground Zeroes. It's likely that Phantom Pain will be the rise of Big Boss as we know him from previous games."
Sorry, I fell into an anger coma over the weird phrase "Ground Zeroes" and woke up when I read that an actual character in a video game is named Big Boss (meta or just lazy?) before I passed out into an anger coma again. Where am I?
5. NO MAN'S SKY
What I Think It's About: Is No Man's Sky supposed to be the aerial version of "No Man's Land"? If so, this game is clearly about the colonization of the sky. I claim the troposphere for America! PLOT TWIST: there's no way to claim the sky because you can't stick flags in it, WHAT NOW? Who knows? But apparently there are dinosaurs.
What It's Really About: "No Man’s Sky is a game about exploration and survival in an infinite procedurally generated universe. Whether a distant mountain or a planet hanging low on the horizon, you can go there. You can fly seamlessly from the surface of a planet to another, and every star in the sky is a sun that you can visit.
Where you’ll go and how fast you’ll make your way through this universe is up to you. It’s yours for the taking. Explore uncharted solar systems and catalogue unique new forms of life. Every planet’s landscape is different from the next, and populated by species never before encountered.
Find ancient artefacts that could reveal the secrets behind the universe.
Choose whether to share your discoveries with other players. They’re exploring the same vast universe in parallel; perhaps you’ll make your mark on their worlds as well as your own."
Okay, that actually sounds pretty cool. And my point still stands: there ARE dinosaurs.
6. THE WITCHER 3: WILD HUNT
What I Think It's About: Going out on a limb here, but I think it's about a guy who hunts witches and couldn't think of a better name for that job title than "THE WITCHER," which sounds like a type of furniture to me. As in: "'Can you brush the grass off that witcher chair in the backyard so I can go sit on it?' asked your grandma." Also, I'm morally opposed to this because witches are cool as hell. I've seen American Horror Story: Coven. I've seen Hocus Pocus. I've relished in Teen Witch. Are you telling me this dude with a stupid name is going to be any match for Jessica Lange, Bette Midler, and, uh, Robin Lively, older sibling to Blake et al.? No way. TOP THAT.
What It's Actually About: "The witcher arrives in the Pontar Valley accompanied by either Vernon Roche or the elf Iorveth. His search for the kingslayer is all the harder because of the war between King Henselt and the rebels commanded by Saskia, the Virgin of Aedirn. Geralt helps to resolve the conflict in the Pontar Valley, and discovers that the mysterious assassin was cooperating with the Lodge of Sorceresses. The witcher arrives at the ruins of Loc Muinne, just as a grand summit of kings and sorcerers is about to begin there. He finds his foe there, and concludes the tale of the assassins of kings. It turns out that the kingslayers were employed by the Empire of Niflgaard. The Empire of Nilfgaard declares war on the Northern Kingdoms. The war with Nilfgaard obliterated the old order. The North is engulfed in chaos, and marching armies leave a plague of monsters in their wake. Geralt of Rivia once more treads the Witcher's Path."
Listen, I don't know anything about this Pornstar Valley or whatever it says, and I started seeing words spelled with double A's (NIFLGAAAAAARD!) so I'm out of here. Be kind to witches, please thx.
7. BORDERLANDS: THE PRE-SEQUEL
What I Think It's About: I'm sorry, pre-sequel? PRE sequel? Do you mean... A SEQUEL? Why is it a PRE sequel? I'm so angry. Clearly this game is about all of the boring stuff that happens between Borderlands and Borderlands 2: 4 Real Da Sequel. So I'm guessing the main character is going to shine his shoes, maybe put something in his crock pot for dinner, speed through the So You Think You Can Dance recordings on his DVR and head off to work. Have fun playing that.
What It's Really About: "Shoot 'n' loot your way through a brand new adventure that rockets you onto Pandora's moon in Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel, coming this Fall for the PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and PC!
Discover the story behind Borderlands 2’s villain, Handsome Jack, and his rise to power in this brand new game in the Borderlands series. Taking place between the original Borderlands and Borderlands 2, the Pre-Sequel gives you a whole lotta new gameplay featuring the genre fusion of shooter and RPG gameplay that players can’t get enough of.
Get high in low gravity and launch across the moonscape to take enemies down from above using new ice and laser weapons. Catch-a-ride on the lunar landscape with new vehicles equipped with deadly weapons allowing for more levels of destructive mayhem.
So grab a friend (or two, or three), strap on a rocket, and take off on a brand new Borderlands adventure."
Okay, so my guess was 90% right on this, except it's going to be the villain and not the hero who we control while he watches the newest season of Face Off on SyFy and plays 2048 on his phone during commercials. Sign me up.
8. SUNSET OVERDRIVE
What I Think It's About: Based on the title, I'm guessing it's set in the 90s and you play as a young musician trying to make it with your pop punk band, Sunset Overdrive, in the mean streets of Los Angeles.
What It's Actually About: "The city’s overrun with mutants. Problem? Not for you. Sunset Overdrive is a playground of post-apocalyptic possibilities. Vault, grind & wall-run while using a deadly & unconventional arsenal. With hyper-agility, unique weapons, & customizable abilities, it rewrites the rules of shooters while delivering an irreverent adventure. You’re not the only one embracing the Awesomepocalypse. Throughout Sunset City you’ll run across an eclectic group of factions, each with its own unique style and story. For instance, Troop Bushido, a group of adventurers who now abide by ancient Samurai code. And the Fargarths, live action role-players whose fantasy suddenly becomes their reality. Plus many more memorable characters we don’t want to reveal just yet."
So basically the same thing I said, except in my version "mutants" was replaced by "Smashmouth lovin' posers."
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