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Anecdotes From Goats

Just some lil life lessons, brought to you from farm to table. You know, they were kids once too.

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The Pasture


When I was a kid, I used to run from one end of the pasture to the other, as fast as I could. All the other goats would watch, and cheer, and tell me I was the fastest goat they had ever seen. So I kept running. And running. I ran every day, until people got tired of telling me how fast I was. I was so fast! I wanted everyone to know! But a year later I got old, because goat life spans aren't that long (15 years, plus or minus a few), and nobody liked me all that much cause I'd just spent a whole year running and it turns out I'm not very good at much else so now I just kinda hang out by the fence by myself.

Moral of the Story: Don't be a show-off. Nobody likes show-offs.

The Turtle


When I was a kid, I met a turtle. The turtle was building a house out of pebbles, but he was so slow that it took an entire day to move one pebble. I said "hey turtle, you'll never build a house at that rate!", and he said "Perfection takes time. Someday this will be a castle, and you will see how happy I am after years of hard work." Well, the turtle forgot he lived in Ohio and it was a bad winter that year and he froze to death because his 'house' was just four rocks in a line.

Moral of the Story: Don't wait. Do shit.

The Emily

When I was a kid, I had a best friend named Emily. She was a caterpillar. We had so much fun, but then she went and turned into a butterfly and suddenly she was too good for me. Still, I never connected to anyone like I connected to Emily.

Moral of the Story: Never trust an Emily.

The Singer

When I was a kid, I knew this sheep that loved singing. She had a beautiful voice, and it would float across the field as she grazed. She sang day in and day out. All the farm animals told her she should sing for the farmer. "Sing Barbara Ann!," they said. "You're so good at that one!" So one day, she mustered up her courage, and with her best singing voice she soprano-ed her way into the farmer's house whilst they were having dinner. We never saw her again and we suspect they had her for dinner the next evening.

Moral of the Story: So you can sing? You're not that special. Don't try out for American Idol no matter how many friends say you should. Just don't.

The Funnel Cake

When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me not to eat too much or they wouldn't take me to the County Fair. I resisted the extra ear of corn, the mushrooms I found in the field, and the special goat treats we got on Sundays. I made it to the County Fair. But I wasn't happy. So I broke out of my pen and I ate a whole funnel cake and people really loved it and now my owner makes a lot of money by taking Vines of me eating funnel cakes. The only downside is that my already pretty small life span (15 years, plus or minus a few) is probably cut in half now. But hey, I eat funnel cakes on the regular.

Moral of the Story: Lots of things taste better than skinny feels. Treat yo self.

The Lie

When I was a kid, I was so obsessed with being cool that when Greg the popular kid asked me my name, I said Brandon. My name is Sprinkles. Life has been hard ever since.

Moral of the Story: Remember who you are. And be proud of it.

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